GoldfishFox

If that partially-completed project or repair job still isn't done in six months, it's a safe bet that it won't ever get done, or that if it does, it won't be a good job. That kitchen redesign doesn't seem so ambitious and charming the second time you decorate exposed wiring for the… Read More

My family was at a church craft fair almost two hours from home. I was eleven, and convinced I was hemorrhaging to death in the world's single whitest, cleanest church restroom on the face of the planet. A sweet older woman heard me whimpering, figured out what was going on, and went… Read More

Leia has no idea how to bend any of her limbs. She is like a baby deer, or perhaps a pile of twigs?

Around 10:00pm on some random Wednesday during my junior year, my friends and I decided to cook a massive family dinner: turkey with gravy, tons of sides and appetizers, brioche, signature drinks, and three pies. A dozen people chipped in on groceries, and a few of us cooked and baked… Read More

Remember those tiny wax bottles filled with brightly colored candy juice? I would use my teeth to carefully remove the "cap" so I could slurp out the juice, then warm the "bottle" between my hands until it was soft enough for me to mold it into fancy imaginary plants. At one point,… Read More

When I was little, I loved gefilte fish out of a jar. My Bubble always served it at room temperature, coated in gelatinous broth and garnished with a heavy scoop of horseradish. Whenever I have a chance to eat some, I get a rush of nostalgia...and then almost immediately remember… Read More

I remember watching The Little Mermaid as a fairly small child and thinking, "wow, Ariel is beautiful and I want to kiss her..." then five minutes later, thinking, "wow, Eric is beautiful and I want to kiss him..." Guess who's bisexual?

My then-boyfriend and I were almost at the end of some unremarkable weeknight sex. Suddenly, he yelled "F#&! I didn't feed the hamster!" then finished and immediately fell asleep. He didn't own a hamster, and he never had.

When I was eleven, my sleepaway camp took all the kids my age out for some "real" camping an hour or so farther into the woods. The forest around our campsite held several different high ropes courses, a pond for swimming, and exactly no bathroom facilities of any kind. On the first… Read More

Virgos are NOT always virgins, nor are we *ahem* virginal. Apparently most seventh graders know what a virgin is and where babies come from, but some of my darlings still believed that being a Virgo means no sex ever. I accidentally blew their minds on my mid-September birthday...while… Read More