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1.A tub of Unicorn Snot glitter gel so you can let the world know neutral hair and makeup looks are BORING and not for you. This'll add extra ~drama~ the rest of your quirky outfits already bring to the table.
2.A Land of Boggs shirt and sweatshirt, because it's about time your friend group had appropriate uniforms. Group hugs and throwing up rainbows are only the first two things on the agenda. You can't even begin to guess the rest.
3.A set of zombie ice pop molds for acknowledging you'll stop playing with your food in public when hell ~freezes~ over. *Cue weird zombie/munching noises*
4.A Darth Vader shower head who'll agree with you that people who bathe normally have chosen the dark side. Better to clean yourself with the Sith Lord's tears.
5.A set of sloth bandages so you can be treated by the nurse of our dreams. Let us all hope our wounds are slow to heal.
6.And a sloth travel pillow, because this guy will definitely make sure no one bothers you when you nap in public. We've always wondered what it would be like to join our friends in the trees and now...well you might be too excited to sleep.
7.A tub of Elizavecca carbonated clay mask for creating at LEAST 100 seconds on your Insta story with nothing but bubbly close-ups. You finally understand why people like selfies....this is why, right? ....Bubbles? 😳
8.A set of knit kitty table leg protectors that'll probably make your roommate furious, but you know what they just don't understand ART.
9.A creative journal so you can actually unleash ALL of your imagination without fear of alarming anyone. It just wants you to make an absolute mess in the best ways possible, like taking it with you in the shower, glueing your hair onto a page (yep), and really anything else you want to throw at it — literally.
10.A pair of discreet stud earrings, because to the rest of the world you're just wearing pretty, dainty jewelry. But you and I know the truth: you're rocking some fancy tatas. Anyone who doesn't want these is a real boob.
11.A corgi butt mousepad for making working in an uncharacteristically plain cubicle feel a little less ruff. Not to mention, this good boy provides plush carpal tunnel prevention. I INSIST you call everyone over to make nonstop butt jokes. Don't worry, they'll love it.
12.An adorable tote bag that'll send you over the ~moon~ when you can ditch your boring gym bag. Does running away from workout classes count as exercise? Asking for a friend.
13.A set of wine condoms so you can add a little *excitement* to regular nights in. If there are smoother moves than this, they should honestly be illegal because the world cannot HANDLE it.
14.An army of sock monsters, because I'm not really sure how to do laundry without recreating a battle scene complete with dramatic roaring. Oh, and they'll make sure your socks are never separated again. But...back to the battle scene.
15.A plush loaf pillow for staying ~toasty~ all night with your new cuddle buddy. Your partner may ask to move them, but little do they know...they shall soon be replaced. We always said the best way to our hearts is through our stomachs. Loaf understands.
16.A llama car decal that'll give you unlimited bragging rights. I'm sorry, do YOU drive a llama around all day?! I didn't THINK so. Just don't open the door. He, uh, spits.
17.A pair of Luna Lovegood sunglasses so everyone knows they're just as sane as you are. They just need to watch out for Nargles.
18.A puppy latte costume, because this'll only be reserved for Halloween if you let it. More like year-long uniform, am I right? Please don't take my dog.
19.A soft sleep mask for showing your partner what you meant when you said you're "an animal in bed." If they're disappointed, they're just not the one.
20.A CPR Dwight or Prison Mike pin that'll teach the world two very important lessons: the scene from Silence of the Lambs *is* possible and doing alcohol is not cool. Let's just hope everyone will take heed of your advice.
21.A pair of unicorn slippers so you can take your true form after a long day of pretending to be a (gulp) adult. NEVER. Commence rainbow farts.
22.A Bawdy butt mask, because Friday nights should always consist of this on your tush, "Bubble Butt" in the background, and a glass of chardonnay. It may be hard to dance with this on, but by golly you will SUCCEED.
23.A Land of Boggs PopSocket for giving everyone fair warning you could slide into their DM's with a slew of puppies, rainbows, and other strange but cute animal videos at any given moment. It's how you show ❤️love❤️!!!!
24.A pair of leather pencil flats that'll be perfect for those of us whose style icon is Ms. Frizzle. Warning: you must learn how to control a flying bus before earning these. Sorry, I don't make the rules.
25.A helpful book so you can make gorgeous gifts made of cat hair for all of your friends and family. I mean, you might get too excited and keep them for yourself. But that's the risk, I suppose.
26.A pair of knee socks, because these'll remind you you're not alone every time you feel like you're literally being eaten alive when pretending to be normal. Why, work. Why.
27.A inflatable swan float with the face of someone who was just asked a question about the stock market. Just slowly float away. Back to people with far more important concerns, like Ratatouille fan theories.
28.A burrito blanket for watching Chopped in absolute style. I'm not sure why people yell at the TV while watching football, but I do know that if someone uses the ice cream machine I am going to LOSE IT.
29.A stress ball that'll help you emit stress that's still somehow just as magical as you are.
30.A 3D cat sticker so you can remind people the real way to *enter* a room. In the most dramatic, somewhat alarming way, of course.