I politely asked the BuzzFeed Community for a little favor: to share their shittiest porta-potty horror stories with me. After weeding through many stories that have now forever altered my psyche and have undoubtedly traumatized me, I plucked 24 of the worst anecdotes from the bunch.
1. This unlucky soul who tripped and landed face first in a stranger's vagina.
The lady in one of the porta potties at a 10K I ran in did not lock the door. As I opened the door, I tripped, and my face has never been the same since I LANDED FACE FIRST ON HER VAGINA.
2. When somebody with one arm attacks your porta-potty and you blackout.
It was st Patrick's day and we found a porta potty with no one around. So I'm bent over doing the hover when all of a sudden the door slams me in the head. I blacked out. Then I hear my friend screaming, "I don't give a f*ck if you have NO ARMS!" Turns out a guy with one arm had run full speed across the street and barreled into the door. My friends said that I was lucky there had been a fence behind it because it tipped back so far then back to standing up. Have porta potty PTSD.
3. When you just gotta get your fuck on, despite the shitty circumstances.
My dad works right in the heart of "methadone mile" (Boston) and there were portapotties in the lot of his office while construction was happening. These two people left a clinic down the street and went into the portapotty and started having sex. The thing ended up tipping over and all of the contents spilled all over the lot. Yuck.
4. SHIT literally started flying EVERYWHERE.
I was deployed to Kuwait in 2016 and the temps there for to about 125 degrees Fahrenheit. One day I was following the truck that would suck the poop out of the porta potties, the guy put the tube into the toilet and then a few seconds later the tube went crazy and SHIT literally started flying EVERYWHERE. Mind you it was hot as hell outside and I had my windows down in my truck and the shit got onto the front of the truck, windshield and everything. Luckily it stopped before it sprayed into the truck bc I couldn't roll the windows up fast enough?
After pre-gaming in a parking lot before a concert event, I decided to stand in an extremely long line waiting for one of 3 port a potties. I thought my bladder would explode before I got to the front of the line. I then slip on a pile of vomit, falling to my knees. My chest hit the seat of the potty and more vomit splashed all over me. After getting home, I realized there was vomit in my bra. Never again!
6. FACE SPLASHED WITH PEE.
at a festival, naturally intoxicated.. went into the porta potty and hung my purse over the 'soap' dispenser.. did my business and went to wash my hands.. pushing the 'soap button' made my purse fall off the dispenser and it fell into the urinal. urinal was clogged and my purse fell so hard it splashed stranger pee all over me.. purse and contents were soaked, shirt and skirt soaked, FACE SPLASHED WITH PEE.
During basic training for the U.S. Army we were out on a 5 day FTX (field training exercise). By day three they were overflowing with mountains of shit. Like people were just hovering and letting it rip, it's the only logical way they could have gotten that full. I opened the door to this monstrous sight and slammed it shut. Go to the next one, same thing... fuck... It has never been so amazing to dig a hole and drop a deuce in the woods.
8. Oh God no! Why!?
I was at the music festival Enchanted Forest inside a porta potty when I hear this loud thud following a man screaming "Oh God no! Why!?" Upon walking out of the porta potty, I witnessed a flipped over porta potty with you guessed it, a man still inside! He put his hands on the side and hoisted it up to reveal that not only was he pantsless, there was a toxic sludge of human waste all over him! That dude was covered! Sickest story of my entire life :/
9. "But what the hell was I going to do with a shit covered phone?" Same.
I was visiting Baton Rouge for a football game, and we were tailgating in some field, so porta pottys were our only option. We had just gotten there so I was still pretty sober, but somehow managed to drop my phone and it land in the toilet. My friends tried to get me to put plastic on my hand and fish it out, but what the hell was I going to do with a shit covered phone
I was a counselor at a Girl Scout camp, and I snuck my phone into the porta potty so the girls wouldn't see me check it... Someone knocked on the door and I jumped, dropping my phone into the 8 foot deep hole of piss and shit.
11. New drinking game: is that chocolate fondu or diarrhea on that stranger's wedding dress?
3 months ago my sister had a wedding and being my sister she decided to go deep into the middle of nowhere (the mountains) where there where no bathrooms. I had eaten some really spicy Mexican food making me have really bad diarrhea. Because i was one of her bridesmaids i couldn't skip the wedding however, right before they were going to say their vows i ran off to one of the porta-potties to do i number three. the porta-potty was so small that i ended up walking out of the bathroom with the bottom back side of my dress covered in diarrhea. Needless to say i went over to the chocolate fountain and proceeded to do a very very fake fall just to get me covered from head to toe in chocolate so that no one would think that i was covered in diarrhea.
12. DOES CORN GROW IN PORTA-POTTIES? WHAT ELSE IS THE FDA HIDING FROM US ABOUT OUR CROPS?
Walked in, was assaulted by a horrific stench and the sight of an entire ear of corn in the toilet, walked out.
13. Sometimes porta-potties destroy families.
My dad and uncle are known to constantly be pranking each other. My dad and I walked to the truck as my uncle said he needed to go to the port a potty. He had one up on my dad from the other night by putting raw eggs in his milkshake and shaving a reverse Mohawk all the way down our dog, so my dad knew he had to do something big. So he backed his truck right up to the back of the port a potty and right as my uncle went to open the door to run out my dad slammed on the gas and knocked the entire port a potty over trapping my uncle inside with the entire contents of the port a potty spilled over on him. He rode in the back of the truck on the way home and they haven't spoken in 4 years.
14. It landed in a steaming, warm pile of shit.
My two friends and I had gone to Bonaroo one year. We camped out in muddy, disgusting fields with thousands of other people. On the second night of the festival, we stopped off at the porta-potties before hitting our tents. My flip flop slipped on some toilet paper, and I put my hand out behind me to stop myself from falling. It landed in a steaming, warm pile of shit. Cherry on top of the cake was that the portable sinks were out of water, so I had to clean up with baby wipes and hand sanitizer.
15. "Wrapped my poo in a piece of tissue paper, and put it under the fence into the fair." Safe to say somebody got a present they were not expecting that day.
When I was working at the Washington State Fair and living out of a van, I woke up with the most horrible stomach pains. I knew I wouldn't make it across the parking lot to the porta-potty, so I had explosive diarrhea in the corner of the fair parking lot in the middle of the night! Once that was done, I waddled over to the porta-potty and finished my business. I didn't want my boyfriend to know what had happened, so I cleaned up the area of the parking lot, wrapped my poo in a piece of tissue paper, and put it under the fence into the fair. Sorry, guys.
16. Omg ?
My dad is a truck driver and said one time he stopped at one and there was so much poo in it, it went over the toilet seat!!!! Like who topped it off!?! Omg ?
17. I think I love these kids.
this didn't happen to me, but a girl i knew once had sex in a port-a-potty (gross by itself) but then a bunch of kids came by and knocked it over, not realizing people were in it. needless to say, the moment was definitely ruined. i think they broke up after that too.
18. If you're masturbating aggressively enough to give you heatstroke, ask for a hand!
Being in the Army I have some pretty spectacular Port-o-Potty stories. The best (worst?) was being in Louisiana on a training exercise in August and having people have heat stroke in the port-o-potties because they were choosing to masturbate in there.
19. Grosset day of my life.???
For my 21st birthday my girlfriend (wife now), took me to the fair to ride an elephant and it shit as I got on so I went to the porta-potty to clean up. I had just locked the door when I heard a beeping, BEEP BEEP, I tried to get out of the portable stall but it had been latched shut. It started moving and all of the sudden the toilet booth had turn on its side WITH ME INSIDE!! At this point I was covered in human shit, pee, and something unidentifiable. Grosset day of my life.???
I used one.
21. Dear the people who shit ON the toilet seat instead of IN the toilet bowl: What the fuck is wrong with you?
One time I was about to sit on the portapotty seat when I saw a piece of poop on the seat. I kept my butt on the opposite side until I forgot and sat right on top of it. I was traumatized.
22. ON THE WALLS!!!
My friend talked me into going to this underground rave out in the desert that went all night long. I actually ended up having a really fun time. For the whole rave of 100s of people, there were only 2 port-a-potties, toilet paper had run out long before midnight, and you know people were running in there with the need to go, fueled by questionable drug mixtures. When I opened the door to the first available potty, i couldn't believe what I saw. There was shit on the seat, on the area next to the seat, on the floor, ON THE WALLS. ON THE WALLS.
23. Still a better love story than Twilight.
Got stung on the ass cheek by a wasp hiding under the seat. Jumped up, fell over, stuck my hand inside the bowl trying to catch myself.
24. Thank you, mtthuynh, for making my claustrophobia that much worse.
When I was seven I went on a construction site with my grandfather, who was a contracter. I really had to go so I went to the porta-Potty and thought I got locked in. It was a sweltering summer in Florida, and I thought I was going to die in this porta-Potta surrounded by crap and flies. I was found ten minutes later sobbing and banging on the door. ?. I'm claustrophobic now, btw.