One of the best things the internet has given us is the ability to share funny things with each other. Maybe it's the only good thing the internet has given us... Anyway, here are some of the best jokes from various corners of ~the web~ thanks to this Reddit thread started by user u/MrMidnightDiamond and members of the BuzzFeed Community.
1. "How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to want to change."
2. "A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the bar tender here?'"
3. A shipment of Viagra was stolen yesterday by a gang of old men. Police are now on the lookout for these hardened criminals.
4. "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic."
5. "Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence. Police are looking into it."
6. "My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records, but then the librarian asked me to take it out and leave the building."
7. "Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job."
8. "A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers ✌️ and says 'five beers, please.'"
9. "What's the difference between an old public transit stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus-station, and the other is a busty crustacean."
10. "Two fish in a tank one turns to the other and says 'do you know how to drive this thing?'"
11. "My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo."
12. "Bear walks into a bar and says 'Can I have a………Coke?' Bartender says 'what’s with the big pause?' and the bear says 'I don’t know, I was born with them.'
13. "A man goes into the doctor and says 'I think I have hearing problems.' The doctor asks 'can you describe the symptoms?" and the man replies 'Sure! Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair."
14. "Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything."
15. "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
16. "I went to the doctor the other day and he said that I need to stop masturbating, when I asked why he said, 'I’m trying to give you an examination!'
17. "What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs? The bikings."
18. "A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks, 'Dad, can't you just use a sponge?'"
19. "What do rich people say when they tickle babies? Gucci, gucci, gucci, gucci."
20. "What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says rib it, rib it, rib it. A horny toad says rub it, rub it, rub it."
21. "Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie? Because he was too far out, man."
22. "A woman goes to the dentist and the dentist tells her, 'You need a root canal.' She says, 'Ugh, I'd rather have another baby than a root canal!' The dentist says, 'Well make up your mind, I gotta adjust the chair.'"
23. "A photon went to check in at a hotel and the receptionist asked, 'Do you need a bellhop to take your bags to your room?' The photon replied, "No thanks, I'm traveling light today."
24. "The chicken and the egg are in bed. The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says, 'Well, I guess that answers that question.'"
25. "A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him, 'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'"
"The man asks, 'Okay, so what’s the bad news?' The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.' The man says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible! Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?' The doctor responds, 'I should have told you yesterday.'"
26. "How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one...but it takes a shitload of light bulbs."
27. "Why don't anteaters ever get sick? Because they are full of little anty-bodies."
28. "A guy walks into a doctor's office butt naked but wrapped head to toe in cellophane. The doctor takes one look at him and says, 'Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
29. "Why do giraffes have long necks? Because they have stinky feet."
30. "My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas."
31. "Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
32. "How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one...or two? One...or two?"
33. "What did the grape say when it was stepped on? Nothing. It just let out a little...wine."
34. "Who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's court? Sir Cumference."
35. "A group of nuns is painting their convent on a hot summer day. Mother Superior tells them to hurry up and finish because the blind man is coming. The nuns get so hot from working in the heat that one suggests they take their tops off to cool down. Another says, 'OK, I guess it’s just a blind man that’s coming.' The blind man arrives and says, 'Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?'"
36. "It’s never safe to drop wordplay around a kleptomaniac, because they’re always taking things literally."
37. "Why do cemeteries have fences around them? Because everyone’s dying to get in."
38. "What do you give a man that has everything? Penicillin."
39. "A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O.'"
40. "Did you hear about the worst zoo in the world; it only had one dog in it. It was a Shitzu."
41. "What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste."
42. "What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter."
43. "A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks, 'How?'"
44. "Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."
45. "And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."
And finally...
46. "A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."
Now, it's your turn! Let's keep this joke train chugging! What's the best joke you've ever heard? Comment below and it may get added to the list!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.