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1. A handheld Oregon Trail game so you can virtually die of dysentery on the go.
2. Some realistic fish pencil cases sure to bemuse, confuse, and amuse anyone who passes your desk.
3. A Golden Girls Mad Lib book for showing your friends that you love great TV and for SURE know what a verb is.
4. An Ides of March pencil holder — what? Too soon???
5. A deck of unicorn playing cards so your friends can never be too upset when you absolutely destroy them in rummy.
6. Ramen noodle sticky notes you'll be tempted to throw into a pot of boiling water, but you should probably just write on instead.
7. A pack of Coca-Cola Lip Smackers to throw it allllll the way back to being a chic 5th grader. Keep the Coke flavors for yourself, give Sprite and Fantas to your friends, and throw root beer in the trash immediately.
8. A cup holder car trash can so you can *finally* start throwing away all of your candy wrappers, gum, receipts, etc, instead of letting them pile up on the floor like me when I had a car. Do as I say not as I do.
9. A Funko Pop of Kevin Malone holding his famous chili...you know...before The Accident.
10. Or a mug if you have the same misguided confidence as Michael Scott and wish to proudly display it.
11. A book of 1000 record covers to peruse some iconic cover art while you listen to your own great collection. Let's be real, you buy vinyl 50/50 for the art and the sound.
12. A ravioli spoon rest so your dirty utensils always have a clean, safe place to rest. I wish I could rest my head on a ravioli...
13. A set of sushi socks if patterned looks are just how you ~roll~.
14. A 10-minute pickle kit for making your favorite salty snack right at home. You can go from cucumber to *crunch* in just 10 minutes, or leave them overnight for even more flavor!
15. A set of silicone straws so you can avoid getting dirty looks from strangers for using a plastic one. And, yeah, also reduce waste.
16. A very literal dad hat to impress your Instagram audience with your tongue-in-cheek look, as well as deeply confuse your own father.
17. A bag of Death Wish coffee that is OH MY GOSH SO CAFFEINATED. Folks who normally rely on constant refills of normal roasts find themselves only having a cup or two of this with the same results. You've been warned.
18. Some sprout bookmarks, because from trees books came and with these guys, trees they shall become again.
19. A cat ice cube tray so your drinks will always be the *purrfect* temperature.
20. Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers for anyone with a macabre interest in the human body and a little time for some light reading.
21. A Turner Classic Movie trivia book featuring over 4,000 challenging questions, so "fasten your seatbelt, it's going to be a bumpy night [of trivia]."
22. Trader Joe's Everything but the Bagel Seasoning to jazz up your boring old salt and pepper routine. Just leave this shaker on the table and watch in amazement as your family reaches for it during every meal.
23. A velvet and lace pajama set, because you deserve to be constantly draped in luxury — even as you slumber.
24. A dip clip to avoid the dreaded meeting of food and sauce — a natural disaster previously unavoidable.
25. An adorable Baggu tote that makes it a million times easier to remember your reusable bag! Just pop this bag in your everyday bag and BAM, it's a meta sustainable bag situation.
26. A set of Mario Badescu sprays, because it's 100% on-brand for you to enter every room in a cloud of refreshing, scented mist.
27. A clip-on ring light so your selfies are always poppin'. Not that they aren't already!
28. A Birchbox subscription so you have a monthly treat to look forward to! Who doesn't love opening their door to discover a package full of beauty goodness?
29. A bottle of Mike's Hot Honey for drizzling over basically everything you eat for the rest of your life. From salty snacks to desserts to cocktails, Mike is simply food's BFF.
30. A pair of tiny hands that will entertain you (and your coworkers if they're COOL) until the end of time.
31. An embroidered initial necklace so you can always hold a lil' piece of yourself close to your heart.
32. And a Gritty plushie, because this orange icon doesn't just belong to Philly — he belongs to all of us.
Goodbye, spending money! You were nice while you lasted!
Searching for some great Amazon finds? Check out some of our favorite cheap things to buy on Amazon, some of the weirdest things on Amazon you might actually want, or read through all the rest of our incredible Amazon product recommendations.
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