We recently asked survivors of abuse in the BuzzFeed Community to tell us subtle signs/red flags that partners could become abusive. Here's what they had to say:
Note: Please keep in mind that the following information is based on people's individual relationships with their partners, so what's true for some people may not be true for others. Everyone's experiences are different.
1. "When they start 'poisoning the well.' If you try to converse with them, they immediately bring up past mistakes. I'm not talking about arguments where you have a pattern of behavior they may not like; I'm talking about when you want to go get drinks with friends, and they immediately point out everything they deem 'wrong' with you and the things you do."
"They make you doubt yourself and degrade you in order to gain more control over you. Even if they end up telling you to go out with friends or whatever you wanted to do, they know they already got in your head, and you won't enjoy your time."
"YES. Well said. You can say something as simple as, 'I'm not a big fan of cilantro,' and they respond with, 'I'm not a fan of you not finishing college.' And if you point out what a terrible response that is, YOU are being dramatic. It's not only degrading; it's maddening. And you're never heard (not that they care)."
2. "Big, grand, romantic gestures far too early. They want to make it clear as soon as possible that you 'belong' to them, and everyone should know it."
"For example, I'd only been dating my ex for two months, and he hadn't met any of my friends yet. But he got their numbers out of my phone and organized a surprise concert where he played a song he wrote for me in front of my friends. He wanted to make it crystal clear to the people he didn't know that I had a partner."
—Anonymous
3. "When we started dating, he made me feel ashamed of the little things. For example, I bought bagels at the supermarket, and he thought that was stupid. He bought them at a bagel store, and his choice was 'so much better' than mine. I remember I felt that the situation was weird; who cares that much about bagels?! I couldn’t believe he made me feel ashamed and not good enough for a thing like that."
"I brushed it off, but I shouldn’t have. In the following years, he made me feel incompetent in the kitchen, made fun of that incompetence in front of my family and friends, and eventually criticized everything I did. The control he needed to have over me in the kitchen was the same control he turned out to need in all other areas of my life."
—Anonymous
4. "If he's insecure with you earning more than him. I used to out-earn my ex-partner, and he would drop crumbs about how bad I was with money. I left work to have our baby, and without me really realizing it, he took control. I was given a weekly food budget, and when things like inflation, our kid outgrowing clothes, etc., happened, I had to practically beg for extra money."
5. "One of the big warning signs is that many abusers are obsessed with how the outside world views them and your relationship. My ex always acted like the perfect boyfriend in public, but he would scrutinize my behavior relentlessly. The minute we got home, he would lay into me about how people negatively viewed me/our relationship because of any perceived slight (I talked about something he didn’t like, I didn’t jump to his defense immediately, I wasn’t fawning over him constantly, etc.)."
"He constantly asked how the people in my life felt about him, to the point of obsession. If I ever expressed that they didn’t like him or that I wasn’t happy with his behavior, all hell would break loose."
—Anonymous
6. "Raising their voice or name-calling during a disagreement. If they show signs of placing blame rather than trying to solve a problem as your partner, it’s a power play. Using inflammatory language is always a red flag."
7. "A preoccupation with your 'body count' is a huge red flag. When I told him, he would first act like it was an exciting part of my history/personality, only to eventually use it against me as leverage to participate in sex acts I was not comfortable with. Or it was brought up as a reason I couldn't be trusted."
"If you're in a healthy relationship, the amount of partners you've had could be a healthy conversation, but it shouldn't be a topic that arises repeatedly."
—Anonymous
8. "Watch out for numerous unfulfilled promises. Promises without changing behavior/actions are MANIPULATION!"
—Anonymous
9. "Needing to have the passwords for your phone and computer. My ex would demand my phone every night and go through all my messages and need to know why I spoke to certain people. I always thought this was normal until I left him."
—Anonymous
10. "My ex-wife was irrationally jealous and would constantly accuse me of infidelity. If I explained why that was very tiring and insulting, she would always say it was my fault that she was insecure, then threaten to kick me out. I always hoped for an apology the next day. Nope. Looking back, the gaslighting was disgusting."
—Anonymous
"Never apologizing, even for things that are CLEARLY their fault. Somehow, they always make it seem like it’s your fault, and you end up apologizing and feeling bad for your own feelings that were caused by their actions (aka gaslighting).
—Anonymous
"Also, watch out for the subtle gaslighting. When you refuse to do something or stop doing something, and they say, 'Don’t you love me anymore?'"
11. "Showing up randomly to places I said I was going to be. At first, it seemed cute, like he missed me. But later, I figured out it was to check up on me."
—Anonymous
12. "When you find yourself hiding things from friends or family. I realized things were bad when I’d lie about arguments or pretend things were fine. If you can’t be honest about your relationship, something isn’t right."
13. "Pushing you to move faster sexually than you feel comfortable. They know that sex can create a bond, and you’ll be less likely to leave."
—Anonymous
14. "Many abusers will have 'rules' for their partners. I had to keep the house spotless and the dog quiet all the time. I wasn't allowed to wake my husband up ever; if I did it by accident, I got yelled at. I wasn't allowed to nurse the children in the master bedroom. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone on the phone when he was home. There were so many rules."
—Anonymous
15. "If you catch yourself filtering through everything you want to say before you actually say it because you need to make sure it won’t set them off, get out."
—Anonymous
16. "He didn’t respect boundaries. When I would state my boundaries, he would cross them and then make me feel guilty for setting them."
—Anonymous
17. And finally, "When my ex-husband and I were dating, he seemed so caring and worried about my safety. It wasn't until we were married that I realized he used that as an excuse to isolate me. Be careful of falling into a trap like this. When your partner makes it seem like they're the only ones who have your best interests in mind, run!"
"When they start to force you to disconnect from close friends and family members. They create false narratives for individuals in your life and tell you it’s better for you to leave them behind. They’ll completely tear you apart from everyone you love until they hold complete power over your life."
—Anonymous
"Definitely when they get possessive over your time and who you’re with. Be careful when you start to notice that they’re slowly becoming the only person you spend your time with; that’s intentional."
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.