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1. A cockroach bait that's gonna destroy those creepy crawlies so fast they won't even have a chance to ~bug~ you.
2. A hand cream that'll make your skin so smooth you'll forget you once had hands as dry as your humor.
3. A dandruff shampoo sure to work wonders as long as you aren't ~flaky~ about using it.
4. A scar cream you can throw on any awful scrapes or cuts when you have someone in your life who refuses to cut it out with the dangerous activities.
5. An air purifier sure to clear up the air in your home so well that going outside to get "fresh air" will be totally unnecessary.
6. A nail strengthening cream that'll keep your nails from breaking, splitting, or peeling.
7. A drain snake that's gonna pull up something worse than even Stephen King would put down a drain.
8. A spinning scrubber that'll keep you as far away from the action as you can possibly be, while still cleaning so well people will think you were scrubbing on your hands and knees.
9. A lice comb for when you bring home far more than you bargained for after trying on every hat your mall had to offer.
10. A drill brush kit, because your mom has been trying to ~drill~ this into your head for years... you have to clean your bathtub to actually get clean from a bath.
11. A window fly trap for getting rid of pesky house flies in a far more efficient and sanitary way than whacking them with a fly swatter.
12. A pack of pimple patches that'll absorb particularly pesky puss until it's off your face for good.
13. A microwave cleaner sure to save your microwave from the certain death that comes every time you put in a death by chocolate mug cake.
14. A laundry whitener that's gonna help make your stained whites look brighter than the day you bought them... no matter what your kid left on the floor for you to step in.
15. A can of oven cleaner that'll eat up baked-in stains as fast as you ate the cake you baked in it.
16. A Tubshroom sure to keep your drain clog-free fur-ever.
17. An electric pressure washer so you no longer have to be awash in grief over a dull and dreary patio or back fence.
18. A foot peel sure to be massively ap-peel-ing, even after the peeling process stops.
19. A bed bug killer that's gonna kill off those scary monsters on your bed faster than they can say, "Boo!"
20. A pet hair brush, because there's no way to ~brush off~ the need to remove pet fur from your furniture... unless you want your clothes, blankets, and guests covered in it as well.
21. A bottle of stainless steel cleaner for anyone who knows the site of nasty, sticky fingerprints would ~stick~ with you forever if you don't immediately wipe them away.
22. A bottle of Tend Skin Solution to clear up razor burn in just a bit.
23. A carpet-scrubbing shampooer vacuum that'll make your brown carpet look like it did before you had two kids and two dogs, you know, back when it was a white carpet.
24. A tongue scraper, because cleaning your tongue is an important part of dental hygiene and you can use this to take off all that bacteri-yuck.
25. A toilet scrubber that'll quickly help your toilet sparkle and shine before you start feeling too ~crappy~ about how dirty it gets.
26. A pack of BootRescue cleaning wipes for keeping your shoes from being as salty as your attitude is in gross winter weather.
27. A wart removing gel you can use when you're tired of being a literal worry wart.
28. A bottle of fizzing tablets sure to quickly wipe out coffee and tea stains from travel mugs. Honestly, these things work so well you'll be able to sit back, relax, and drink it all in.
29. A box of deep-cleansing pore strips that's gonna help you break free from your breakouts.
30. A rust-removing gel spray that'll make cleaning so easy you'll wish you could use this on the ~rust~ of your chores too.
31. A foot file for when rough heels and calluses make you feel like you just might ~crack~.
32. A salt shooter so you can finally kill off the nasty houseflies that keep putting their dirty little feet all over your food.
33. A makeup brush cleaner — you're gonna be shocked when you realize how much cleaner your brushes (and face) get after using this thing.
34. And finally, a bottle of pet earwax remover that'll clean out ear gunk so well your pets may finally hear you when you tell them to stop jumping on the furniture.
My IRL reaction to every one of these:
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