Hello! We are Kristin and Leo and sometimes, we like to talk about fashion. Today, we're discussing merch from the very high-end boutique, Opening Ceremony, which has locations in Los Angeles, NYC, and Tokyo.
1. Lovely Leitrim+E Dress, Bernhard Willhelm, $825
Leo: I have to assume this dress is a actually a test seeking to prove that humanity has attained peak levels of nincompoop. Otherwise, I cannot explain the randomness.
Kristin: This dress looks like some poor guy accidentally dropped his fishing net over an art school and all he was was able to catch were contemplative photos of zippers.
2. Ball of Fire Next Shorts, Bernhard Willhelm, $535
Kristin: LEO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE ARE LOW IN STOCK. WE HAVE TO ACT FAST.
Leo: WE NEED TO ORDER TWO PAIRS. NO, THREE. THREE PAIRS.
3. Zip Pocket V-Neck T-Shirt, Walk of Shame, $500
Leo: Mugatu was definitely here. I might point out that the description says: "Moscow’s hotshot designer Walk of Shame presents a collection fit for girls who drink champagne for breakfast." I can't speak from experience, but I don't think Russian prisons are that nice?
Kristin: Yeah, selling $500 prison uniforms is some next level "let them eat cake!" shit.
Leo: Orange is the new whack!
4. Stone Wash Wide Leg Denim, Kenzo, $745
5. Susan Pike Thunder Printed Polo Shirt, Haal, $345
6. Pinstriped Waved Lapel Sleeveless Dress, J.W. Anderson, $1,385
Kristin: ♬ Row row row yourself, gently down the street, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream when you can afford a $1,300 version of the dress Ariel made for herself when she got human legs in The Little Mermaid. ♬
7. Lioness Sock, Pum Pum Socks, $38
8. Ruffled Panda Head Tee, Nicopanda, $115
Leo: This looks like one of those bathroom sets grannies love. You know, with the matching bathmat and frilly toilet seat cover?
Kristin: I didn't know the American Girl doll company sold clothes for adults.
Leo: OMG if they did, I would so buy a Felicity outfit.
9. Shirt Happens Tee, Moschino, $295
10. Inter-Titty Top, Vivienne Westwood Worlds End @ OC, $190
11. 3/4 Net Bodysuit, Veronique Leroy, $840
Leo: This could probably look cool, but I'm generally confused by bodysuits. The world does not need more fashion items designed to make peeing difficult. Why not just make, like, a shirt you tuck in, and NOT wrap around your vagina?
Kristin: "I'm cosplaying as a tennis racket!"
12. Kelley Check Suspender Pleated Skirt, Chloe Sevingy for Opening Ceremony, $495
13. Handpainted Pleated Denim Jacket, Faustine Steinmetz, $820
Kristin: She looks like a time-traveler from a perfect future where society has finally decided that ironing clothes is silly and not a sign of being a responsible adult.
Leo: This is what happens when you leave your clothes in the washer overnight. Well, at least now college students everywhere can revel in the fact that their forgetfulness is now high fashion.
14. Everything Storage Dress, 69, $600
Kristin: I'd like to note that this dress contains a huge pocket in the back, but it's not a real pocket, it's a "conceptual pocket."
Leo: So what do you put in there? Hopes and dreams?
15. La Chemise Longue Maillot, Jacquemus, $510
Kristin: This dress is a pretty accurate representation of what happens whenever I try to put on a bra, anyway.
Leo: This dress is a pretty accurate representation of what happens whenever I try to dress myself, generally.
16. Athena Small Lunch Bag, Opening Ceremony, $405
17. Shredded Loose Tank Dress, 69, $600
18. Leo Bodysuit, Area, $665
19. Bley Fructidor Blue Print Satin Dress, Acne Studio, $950
Kristin: LEO. IT'S A FOOT PRINT.
Leo: Wait, what? Are those feet? I can't see it very well. It's like...flesh cutouts? I don't know.
Kristin: There's also tropical fruit. This dress is for if you like feet-a coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
Leo: And if you're not into...togas? Sorry I fail at fashionifying lyrics.
20. Denim Tarp Dress, Eckhaus Latta, $650
Kristin: "I'm a sexy reusable grocery bag for Halloween!"
Leo: I love wearing a tube of denim — it's so comfortable, goes with anything, and never makes anyone feel confused.
Kristin: She looks like she's about to be some giant's tasty picnic lunch.
Leo: I firmly disagree, but that's OK. This is America.
21. Knotted Pants, William Okpo, $210
Leo: This is like the worse version of those zip-off cargo pants all the boys in eighth grade wore.
Kristin: They're broken breakaway pants. They're brokeaway pants!
22. Weed Gardner Hooded Trench Coat, Gyoyuni Kimchoe, $1,525
Leo: I was not aware that "weed gardener" was a profession, nor was I aware that it required such a complicated uniform. I'd like to see the LinkedIn profile of the person who wears this contraption.
Kristin: The Phantom of the Eddie Bauer is here. Look, this is a good lesson for everyone: Don't throw away your cargo pocket-filled clothes from the mid '00s, or else it will come back as a zombie and eat you alive.