1. This about-face:
Nvm he texted back https://t.co/pWs0t1kBaV
2. Every man ever:
men be like, “the last thing i ever want to do is hurt u..................but its still on my list”
3. This iconic Grammys meme:
Me after 3 seconds of social interaction
4. *smiles through the tears*
“Wow ur so mature for ur age” thanks it was the trauma lol
5. Grandpa Joe the scammer:
grandpa joe : stays in bed for 20 yrs letting his poor family take care of him and not doing shit to help them charlie : gets a golden ticket grandpa joe :
6. This Oscar snub:
not a single oscar nomination for Carly Rae Jepsen's EMOTION... just because it "isn't a film" and "came out in 2015"...disgusting
7. I was 16 when this song came out, and this was absolutely me:
T-Pain: “IMMA BUY YOU A DRANK!” Me:
8. This you/You mixup:
aight imma head out
9. My fiancé is doing it, and the answer is no:
Do people ever silently do the whole 30
10. Today in "antonyms you need to know":
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll
11. My least favorite time of the month:
“Your monthly bill is available”
12. The taxman cometh:
Just did my own taxes, I should be in jail by friday
13. President's Day can't get here soon enough:
regular weekend: damn hope I have time to do laundry three day weekend: 𝓂𝒶𝓎𝒷𝑒 𝐼’𝓁𝓁 𝓌𝓇𝒾𝓉𝑒 𝒶 𝒷𝑜𝑜𝓀
14. This person who'll never live this down:
one time i was my college’s mascot for a basketball game. emphasis on one time
15. New year, same me, smh:
It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.
16. It's a toss-up between "And I Oop" and "Me Trying Kombucha for the First Time":
the best picture nominees this year are wild
17. There are some things we should just keep to ourselves. Exhibit A:
Her: After sex I love to share our deepest thoughts :) Me: Instead of a stapler I call it a desk crocodile Her: Actually let's just sleep
18. ❤️
finally my story will be told
19. How do all dads just know to say this???
Nobody: Dads after paying the bill at a restaurant:
20. Not the ending I expected!
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7 me: before rush hour, smart move
21. Chili's about to be lit:
Me calling Chili’s to make a dinner reservation for my bachelor party:
22. The "God adding" meme, which is "And I Oop's" natural successor:
God adding “over thinker” when making me
23. Do 👏 whatever 👏 you 👏 need 👏 to 👏 do 👏 to 👏 cope 👏:
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
24. Is the FBI hiring? Asking for a friend.
friend: i can’t find his insta me:
25. Gotta c̶a̶t̶c̶h̶ see 'em all:
1 minute before the museum closes
26. Soon to be everyone's most-used emoji:
italians we won https://t.co/7UblNBAM5I
27. And finally, this:
go ahead and get in the pond since u wanna act like a silly goose