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    28 Hysterical Tweets From The First Two Weeks Of 2020

    "Go ahead and get in the pond since you wanna act like a silly goose."

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    go ahead and get in the pond since u wanna act like a silly goose

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    me disguised as Rihanna’s weed so I can listen to her album

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    Do people ever silently do the whole 30

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    not a single oscar nomination for Carly Rae Jepsen's EMOTION... just because it "isn't a film" and "came out in 2015"...disgusting

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    my 7:30am, 7:35am, 7:40am, 7:45am and 7:50am alarms all going off to wake me up

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    God adding ‘sensitive’ to my DNA

    More "God Adding" tweets here.

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    cancelling plans is ok. going to sweden for a festival is ok. realizing u hate your boyfriend is ok. putting him in a dead bear and burning him alive is ok. do what you need to do to cope xxx

    More "Cancelling Plans Is OK" tweets here.

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    the best picture nominees this year are wild

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    editor: this better not be like last time kafka: it's a coming of age story editor: ok kafka: about a boy who's changed, but his family won’t accept him editor: i'm listening kafka: because he's changed into a bug editor: there we go kafka: like a real big fuckin bug

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    The fact that the Oscars doesn't have a host doesn't bode well for Parasite.

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    3 toxic people looking at each other

    More You Season 2 tweets here.

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    If anyone has a right to be mad at Harry and Meghan it's the people of Sussex, who have been left leaderless without their Duke and who are now defenseless against incursions from Hampshire and Kent.

    More tweets about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry here.

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    how does ibuprofen know where the pain is at?

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    I LITERALLY CANNOT WITH FACEBOOK HIVE 😭

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    there are children being born whose PARENTS were not alive when Shrek (2001) came out.. Crazy how the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

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    ur buying ice coffee w soya milk... your environmentally conscious.... i see u brought ur own metal straw... u rly care.... but you don't know that metal straws won't save the oceans... corporations r responsible for 70% of pollution... but its ok i can fix that.... i can fix YOU

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    I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

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    Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO Me: are they human? Him: no they’re- Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

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    Ladies, if he's - always giving you one-word responses - unsupportive when you're visibly upset - coming over unannounced in the middle of the night - faintly tapping at your chamber door He's not your man. He's the Raven, nothing more.

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    crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

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    More Golden Globes tweets here.

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    i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade. it wasn’t ebola it wasn’t trump it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

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    Don’t be funnier than me in my replies or I’ll delete the whole tweet. Now no one gets to laugh

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