DIY

Here Are All The Super Bowl Commercials People Will Be Talking About

Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen campaign for Bud Light, Drake blings for T-Mobile, Steven Tyler sings for Skittles — plus, constipation AND diarrhea!

This year, dozens of companies paid $5 million-plus to advertise for 30 seconds during the 2016 Super Bowl, which does not include the shooting budget or the celebrity endorsement deals.

For that much, you could get 384,000 beers at Levi’s Stadium!

And most of these commercials aren’t even premiering during the game: They’ve been available online for days and some already have millions of views on YouTube.

So if you skip the game or choose to spend your commercial time refilling your nacho plate or your beer funnel, here’s what you need to know:

1. Seth Rogen and Amy Schumer make a dick joke about the weirdest part of the American electoral process and stroke Paul Rudd’s ego for a Bug Light number.

2. Mountain Dew comes out with a great argument against genetic hybridization.

3. LG’s first Super Bowl ad features a typecast Liam Neeson giving CGI prophecies to his actual son.

4. Audi tried to make everyone cry with an old man and a Bowie song.

5. Doritos appeals to its deadbeat stoner dad demographic.

And the internet had things to say about it.

6. It also came out strongly in favor of dogs breaking rules.

7. Honda taught a bunch of sheep to sing Queen for its Ridgeline ad.

8. CBS used its spot to announce the official end of The Good Wife.

Watch the trailer at CBS.com.

9. This constipation-themed commercial features a woman with toilet paper on her shoe and a man who doesn’t even tell her.

10. This anthropomorphized intestine with diarrhea is the star of Xifaxan’s IBS-D medication ad.

Watch it at cbs.com.

11. Colgate really wants you to stop wasting water while you use its toothpaste.

12. Janelle Monáe and a stealthy Madonna pay tribute to Pepsi.

13. Quicken Loans’ Rocket Mortgages are so easy your kid might accidentally get one using your phone.

14. The NFL thinks the Super Bowl can get you pregnant.

15. FitBit’s no-frills big-game ad is for its new smartwatch.

16. Intiut Quickbooks’ ad is actually for Death Wish Coffee, a nine-person small business that won its contest.

17. Amazon put Dan Marino and Alec Baldwin in the commercial for the Echo.

And for the record, it’s a Snackadium.

18. This one has Baldwin using the Echo for a burn battle but, more important, features a new Missy Elliott song (for about seven seconds).

19. Pokémon celebrates its 20-year anniversary and makes everyone feel super old.

20. Kevin Hart plays a helicopter parent to a strangely oblivious daughter in this Hyundai Genesis spot.

21. Heinz staged an adorable wiener stampede to let you know that it’s more than just ketchup.

22. This whole Kia Optima commercial is basically a post-joke setup about a pun on Christopher Walken’s name.

23. Hyundai casts Ryan Reynolds in something like 11 different roles as himself, aka a dangerous driving distraction.

24. Budweiser enlisted Helen Mirren to ream you out for even thinking about drinking and driving.

25. Dollar Shave Club gives us a creepy dirty animate razor.

26. Wix’s meta-anti–Super Bowl-ad ad features Dreamworks Animation’s Kung Fu Panda characters shilling for their website-building software.

27. Drake re-enacts portions of his meme-sational “Hotling Bling” video with some feedback from unnamed wet-blanket cell phone reps who definitely aren’t from T-Mobile.

28. Mini Cooper asked a lot of celebrities to call its car a bunch of names.

29. A CGI Marilyn Monroe turns into Willem Dafoe when she’s hangry in the latest iteration of this Snickers gag.

30. A lot of people are being carried by church chorus members while Jeff Goldblum plays a maestro voyeur for Apartments.com. Also Lil Wayne is there.

31. Jeff make another appearance with Liam Hemsworth in the Independence Day: Resurgence trailer.

32. Stephen Tyler sings to himself in this Skittles ad.

33. This Jason Bourne trailer brings Matt Damon back from his comedy days.

34. Taco Bell took this time to introduce the world to its new Quesalupa.

35. Colonial Williamsburg splurged on this backwards ad.

Although it said on Twitter the costs were much lower because its celebrity narrator worked for free. And it’s much less weird than some of its print ads.

36. Coca-Cola’s ad for its mini-can pits Ant-Man against the Hulk.

37. Odell Beckham Jr. and Emily Ratajkowski are getting hitched courtesy of Buick.

38. Steve Harvey makes fun of himself with a little help from T-Mobile.

39. McDonald’s bought some time to remind you about its all-day breakfast.

40. This Campbell’s Chunky ad is basically just an ad for moms.

41. Avocados From Mexico remind us what’s good about Earth (and it’s not human brains).

42. Anthony Hopkins sells out for TurboTax.

43. NoMore.org aired this ad about the warning signs of domestic violence.

44. And basically this entire broadcast was a commercial for Beyoncé’s NEW WORLD TOUR.

Parkwood Entertainment
  1. So, which one of these is worth $5 million?
    1. “Hotline Bling” Take 2
    2. Seth and Amy for presidents
    3. David Bowie is worth 10 times that, tbh
    4. Definitely the ketchup dogs
    5. I’d pay $5 million for a town full of Ryan Reynoldses
    6. Puppymonkeybaby
    7. Alec Baldwin and that other guy
    8. The gay car one
    9. Kevin Hart
    10. Willem DaFoe in a dress
    11. Mickey D’s Brekkie
    12. I choose you, Pikachu
    13. FORMATION 2016

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