1.We begin with an extremely weird quote from Jugdead, the voice of our generation. Like, I'm pretty sure a) nobody thinks life is an Agatha Christie novel??? and b) life is absolutely not messier than one — unless you live in Riverdale, the murder capital of the world, I guess.
2.The show finally remembers that these four humans have been living in the same house this whole time!
3.Alice is working on a documentary called Murder in a Small Town (terrible name!), which is interesting because after approx. 18,000 murders in her small town and being married to a serial killer, THIS is the one she's documenting, but whatever.
4.Nana Rose is back, and we all need to start listening to Nana because she HAS SEEN SOME SHIT!!!! I also love that every sentence out of Nana Rose's mouth is some deranged statement about blood and fire and demons. I love her.
5.Pop Tate is also interviewed for the documentary, and you get the feeling this guy just wanted to be jolly and serve up burgers and milkshakes like his family before him.
6.But Cheryl delivered the line of the night, as she always does:
7.Back to the whole murder thing. We are fully caught up with the flash-forwards and see the scene where Betty and Bret talk about Yale, as well as the scene where Betty, Archie, and Veronica are arrested for Jughead's murder.
8.Archie is dealing with a little bit of a problem at the El Royale — the kids think he's a murderer.
9.The funeral, for some reason, is held at the Cooper/Jones household and is held according to…Serpent tradition?????? Lol k.
10.In other news, Sweet Pea exists and is even given a whole-ass line: "You got a lot of nerve coming here" directed at Donna and Bret, who I am pretty sure he's never met and would never have any reason to know who they are, but cool cool!
11.HiRUM, taking a break from his fake degenerative disease, shows up at Jughead's funeral despite the fact that he put a hit on Jughead's life in Season 2. He also fires FP as sheriff, and if I'm being honest…that's good. Because, I'm just gonna say it, FP sucks as a sheriff.
12.Kevin gets a little bit more to do this episode other than being in a tickle club, but not much. He's interviewed by Alice and conveniently remembers that Jughead LOVED the part of Tom Sawyer where Tom fakes his own death. How convenient!
13.This episode also explains THAT Betty and Archie scene from the flash-forwards, and Betty, Archie, and Veronica all pull off a nice and dramatic ruse that Betty and Archie are now hooking up. (I guess to prove that Jughead really is dead?) This also leads to the worst speech from Kevin about Barchie and Bughead that made me wanna Barch all over the place!
14.Donna tails Betty to the sex bunker where she's supposedly sleeping with Archie (the only place to have sex other than the music room, of course), but the big reveal is Jughead is ~alive~ and has been hiding out in the sex bunker under the cot!!!
As an aside, here is my real-time text reaction to my co-worker Nora realizing, ultimately, that Jughead would be in the sex bunker:
15.Betty and Archie reassure Jughead and Veronica that they were just faking their romance for the plan, except…they totally wanna do it forreals in the sex bunker, so we'll see how that plays out with Barchronichead.
16.We end with Donna realizing that Jughead is alive because Betty brought THREE milkshakes to the bunker.
17.OH ALSO, JONATHAN IS FRIGGIN' DEAD, MAN.
18.Finally, there's some kind of boring plot with Veronica and Hermosa (aka the "girl who cried Papi") throughout the episode, but it ends with Hermosa digging up dirt on Donna. "Everybody brace yourselves because Donna Sweett is actually…"
Alrighty, what are your theories? What IS Donna actually??? Is Bret secretly good now, like my coworker Lauren thinks?We're in this for the long haul and things are getting interesting!