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    17 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "My iconic beanie up in smoke." —Ghost Jughead?

    1. I am 99% sure someone blew Devil's Breath powder in my face last night. It's the only way to explain how I feel about this week's episode of Riverdale: a little foggy and completely confused. I blacked out, and all I can remember is that Betty, Archie, and VeRUMica are playing some weird murdery game against Bret and Donna, and Jughead's "corpse" is the pawn.


    We are finally fully caught up with the flash-forward, and now maybe it's time to start making sense of Jughead's murder. (Narrator: NOTHING will make sense of Jughead's murder.)

    2. That's right: Jughead is DEAD and narrating the events of his own death, as one does. Everyone is oddly calm about his death, so the absolute only thing that's clear to me after this week's episode is that Jughead isn't dead.


    If this whole damn thing ends up being the plot of Jughead's perfect murder story or a Baxter Brothers novel, I'm going to be so mad, even though I have absolutely no right to be mad at this point. I watched a whole-ass plot about a Gargoyle King and an organ-harvesting cult last season! I willingly proceeded after the tickling plotline! This is on me!!!!

    3. Betty, Archie, and VeRUMica all arrive home in their underwear at 3 a.m. the night of the Stonewall party, because even though we're dealing with a murder here, the writers could not forget about the CW's shirtless-scene clause.


    Betty, Archie, and VeRUMica are either covering up Jughead's murder or pretending to be covering up Jughead's murder, or think that Bret and Donna are framing them for murder, or are convinced Bret and Donna think that they think they murdered Jughead and are trying to get ahead of that, and omg my brain hurts...words have no meaning anymore.

    4. Anyway, whatever the heck is going on, they turn to Charles for help. I hate to give Archie credit, but I think he might be the only rational one in this friend group at the moment.


    Need I remind you that Charles is actively screwing over the Cooper-Jones family, is probably a serial killer, and is DATING CHIC?

    5. A key part of whatever happened is the murder weapon — "The Rock" — which Betty and VeRUMica say so many times that all I could honestly picture in my head was this:

    CW / Getty Images

    Honestly, it's way more fun this way. H/T to my photoshop hero Nora Dominick, who has journeyed through the epic highs and lows of Riverdale with me.

    6. I briefly interrupt this Jughead murder plot to bring you THE ONLY GOOD THING that has happened on this show in months!!! Mary Andrews has a girlfriend!


    Her name is Brooke and she met Mary at "Sarah Florence" (at some point we will do a deep dive of why Riverdale changed the name of Sarah Lawrence but kept Barnard, Columbia, and Yale intact, but now is not that time!), and she has offered Archie a spot in the Naval Academy (a topic we can also discuss at a later point!). I love this development, and I genuinely wish Mary could have told Archie at a time when he…wasn't trying to figure out what the heck to do about his friend's dead body???

    7. Ugh, and now we're back to the Lodge family drama. HiRUM is "dying" and wants to talk about his will.


    Honestly, would be chill with some Devil's Breath to the face to never have to think about the Lodge family drama again. By the end of the episode, HiRUM finally tells VeRUMica that he's dying, and VeRUMica and Hermosa start to play nice.

    8. The show remembered that Jellybean exists!


    And she doesn't even look up when Betty asks her for some of that fake blood from Halloween. Very normal family.

    9. Anyway, back to Jughead: There's a lot that goes down in this bizarro game of chicken that makes Gryphons and Gargoyles seem normal. Betty bugs Bret and Donna, and Archie goes to pick a fight with them to get them to say something incriminating! Bret calls Archie "ELMO"! Bret and Donna outsmart Betty and know she bugged them. Bret says this:


    I hate to say this, but Bret was highly amusing in this episode.

    10. But then FP gets dragged into this whole mess, and this is where I'm F(uckin') P(issed)! FP finds Jughead's F(reakin') P(hone) in Betty's jacket! If FP isn't somehow in on this whole plot, I will never forgive any of these characters.


    11. I genuinely have no idea what's going on with the murder, but VeRUMica is now worried that Betty could have done it because she remembered what happened with Chuck Clayton in the hot tub in Season 1. I hate that my first reaction to hearing "Chuck Clayton" was feeling extremely nostalgic for a time when the wildest thing that happened on Riverdale was Betty putting on a wig and almost drowning a dude in a hot tub.


    Honestly, Betty is acting super sketchy — from reading a script when she calls FP about Jughead to intimidating the hell out of Archie and forcing him to lie to his mom. But she hasn't seemed sad for one second, so this is clearly all part of the big plan.

    12. "We saw her, Archie, with The Rock."


    I absolutely could not resist.

    13. Meanwhile, VeRUMica's probably getting kicked out of Barnard, for a reason that is honestly extremely valid:


    14. With Charles's "help," Betty finds out that Donna didn't actually use a trigger word from Evelyn Evernever — she threw a substance called Devil's Breath in her face that caused her to black out. But it almost definitely didn't cause her to kill Jughead.


    15. Betty makes a fake murder weapon (for reasons!) and insists that FP find Jughead's body in the woods (also for reasons!):


    Last time, I swear.

    16. Archie has something to confess to Mary, and I WANT TO KNOW WHAT!!!!


    Seriously, what is the endgame of all of this?

    17. Finally, Betty confronts Donna in her next "move" in this "game" and basically says this:


    Donna is toast.

    And more on all of this next week, I suppose! It's really hard to get invested in a plot that will 99% end up being one long con, but I'll admit my interest is piqued! Exactly ~how~ are they going to resolve all of this?! What does Archie need to ~confess~? Can't wait to find out together.

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