23 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

"Forget about college, sex, and the serial killer genes!"

1. This week, the Riverdale writers finally remembered that they casually dropped a plot about mysterious videotapes and then never mentioned it again.

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Everyone "dusts off their VCRs" again! This town has a reserve of VCRs just for emergencies, like home movies or, you know, psychopaths leaving creepy videotapes around town!

2. And then our trusty narrator Jughead delivers one HELL of a transition: "As if those deliveries weren't unsettling enough, colleges and universities had started sending out their first wave of envelopes."

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3. This has the EXACT SAME ENERGY as this week's Riverdale:

Johnny Berchtold 🎃🔪 @JohnnyBerchtold

Teen drama shows

08:40 PM - 29 Oct 2019

"Oh, by the way, did you do the Biology homework, 'cause I completely forgot." ☠️

4. Anyway, this leads us to the rest of the episode, in which our beloved characters FINALLY go to therapy!!!!

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Seriously, the rest of the episode is just the core five recapping everything horrible that has happened to them to the school psychologist/guidance counselor Mrs. Burble, played by icon Gina Torres. Mr. Honey (Kerr Smith) sent them all to talk to her, and can we all just agree this dude is def going to be revealed as evil?

5. The first therapy session is with Betty and Alice. Mere months (weeks? What is time in Riverdale?) after leaving the farm, Alice is back on her bullshit.

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Betty got rejected from Yale and Alice found her birth control pills. It's ~almost~ like you could close your eyes and pretend this was a regular ole' teen drama.

6. But then Betty delivers a Shakespearean monologue for the ages! Theater kids 'round the world will audition with this one day. The poetry! The details! The emotional depth! I have to just leave the entire transcript below, because nothing I say could ever do it justice:

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Betty: Oh, oh, so you joining a cult, that was in my best interest? Not mentioning to me that you weren't actually brainwashed the whole time, you were just undercover with the FBI, working with my long-lost half-brother who I thought was dead, that was in my best interest?….How about when you didn't tell me that I had the serial killer genes? Or when you had Polly committed to The Sisters of Quiet Mercy, and didn't tell me where she was? Or when you had me dragged off to that evil-nun-hell-hole? Because she did, Mrs. Burble, where they force-fed me drugs against my will. But, hey, but, hey. You know, at least they were Fizzle Rocks…and not birth control because God forbid! Did you ever realize that maybe I started taking birth control because I didn't wanna have a baby at 16 like you? Or Polly? I didn't wanna be like the two of you, pregnant and married to a murderer, or a cult-leader, or both?

7. Mrs. Burble, definitely:

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Betty and Alice's session wraps up with Alice revealing Betty is actually her favorite child, which is why she acts the way she does. It's endearing, but pretty wild after hearing Betty list out behaviors like getting drugged by nuns or losing her mom to a cult for, like, a year.

8. Side note: I don't understand the logic of when Riverdale renames brands and when it doesn't. Like, Mrs. Burble offers "Skit-Skat," "Three Buccaneers" and "Butterflinger" bars throughout, but Betty and Veronica apply to Harvard and Yale (instead of, like, Starvard and Kale) and Jughead has a Macbook. *shrugs*

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9. Next up, Archie's session with Mrs. Burble. He's not applying to college because he's, "needed here in Riverdale." (lololololololololol k.)

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10. Mrs. Burble asks why Archie has given up on the epic highs and lows of high school football, and he looks at her like she's on another planet.

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11. After his session, Archie decides to move into the El Royale to keep Mary safe, and he launches an old school answering machine hotline for people to report crimes, because apparently 911 is broken? He also continues his streak of making the world's stupidest signs:

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After so many hobbies like music, football, wrestling, boxing, getting mauled by a bear, and teen vigilantism to name a few, Archie has revealed that his ~truest~ passion in life is making fliers.

12. Cheryl meets with Principal Honey who points out that she has 26 absences this year and threatens to take the River Vixens from her. Cheryl, who deserves WAY better, reminds us all how much she's been through:

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But also, I didn't even know the River Vixens still existed????? Like, when is the last time Cheryl even mentioned them before this episode?

13. Cheryl begins her session with a quote that finally reminded me of the Cheryl Blossom we all know and love:

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More of Cheryl Bombshell, less of Cheryl Hangs-With-Corpses.

14. Cheryl comes clean about everything — including hoarding JJ's corpse (which Mrs. B is way too chill about), doll Julian, and of course about how she ate the real Julian in the womb. And Mrs. Burble is immediately like:

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Which is the most ridiculous thing on this show since serial killer genes, but WHATEVER. Basically, Cheryl thinks she might be a Chimera (aka have the genes of both herself and Julian) but she takes the DNA test and learns by the end of the episode that, in fact, she never absorbed her brother's fetus in the womb. So, um, everything leading up until now has been a lie and was resolved in two seconds.

Mrs. Burble also convinces her that maybe the doll isn't the ghost of her dead fetus brother, but someone is gaslighting her. Honestly, this woman is the sanest person to ever step foot in this goddamn town.

15. In all sincerity, Madelaine acts the hell out of this episode and it's a good reminder of all the trauma Cheryl has been through with hardly any support.

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I just wanted to hug her.

16. Veronica Luna (lol) inexplicably believed she could get into Harvard on her own merits, and is EXTREMELY PISSED OFF when she finds out Hiram bought her way in.

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The fact that she ever thought she was getting in on her own is, frankly, insane. When has Veronica ever done one bit of homework? Her biggest extracurricular is running a Speakeasy that's underneath Pop's.

17. Mrs. Burble diagnoses Veronica's severe daddy issues and also suggests that she should murder him, except not actually. She also tries to talk like the youths:

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The Hiram/Veronica dynamic is so exhausting and I simply don't have the energy to care.

18. Then we finally get to Jughead's story! He's back for a guidance counselor session at Riverdale High for PLOT PURPOSES OKAY?

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In just a little bit of time at Stonewall, Jughead has managed to turn into the most pretentious little shit of all time and name drops Holden Caulfield and that one "Tilting at windmills" quote from Don Quixote. *goes to prep school once*

19. Mrs. Burble points out to Jughead that he's kind of been a selfish ass to FP, which leads to this purely adorable father/son moment.

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Also when Jughead says he's been selfish, Mrs. Burble says, "No. You're just a high school senior from Riverdale. You're busy." and I lol'ed.

20. Veronica decides to open a competing rum business to defeat her father once and for all. Because, as we have all known for three whole episodes, RUM is HiRUM's biggest life passion, okay???

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Even I must admit Veronica opening and casually drinking HiRUM's most prized bottle of rum was a badass move.

21. Archie pulls his mask out of the trash. The mask days are far from behind him.

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22. Betty and Jughead, the finest detective minds of a generation, are seemingly the only people who have ever pieced together that a bunch of original Quill & Skull members died in horrible "accidents". THEY SMELL MURDER, which is basically just Bughead foreplay.

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Charles. W. Chickens!!!!! LOL, I'm dead.

23. Meanwhile, in the flash forward, there's a dramatic lineup moment where Bret and Donna identify Betty, Archie, and Veronica as the people who killed Jughead, a thing that totally 100% did not actually happen!

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This was seemingly the healthiest episode of Riverdale yet (and admittedly least fun to recap!) and Mrs. Burble is the only adult who deserves an adult card in this town. Things are really getting back to normal. I can just feel it! A total return to Season 1 vibes! Oh wait, fuck —

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Next week on Riverdale…lmao.

And that's all I've got this week! See ya next week for the killer midseason finale!