1. Damn that new Bachie house is niiiiiice.
2. RICHIE. I missed your beautiful face.
3. Aaaand he’s shirtless in under a minute.
4. *Slams fist on table*. This is the kind of content I pay to see.
5. I’m never going to get over that old people date Richie went on with Sam, to be honest.
6. THAT SAD LITTLE SIGH! Oh Richie. Let me comfort you.
7. “It’s really hard for me to meet someone in the industry I’m in” - Richie’s captain obvious statement of the night.
8. I wonder if his sister always wears heels when playing an impromptu game of lawn bowls.
9. His family seem very sweet though.
10. Another shirtless shot! Bless you, Bachelor gods.
11. Can Richie be shirtless the 70% of the time he’s not in a suit? Thanks.
12. First girl! She’s tall and blonde, surprise.
13. “I like to think of myself as a little bit of a mermaid.” OK Ariel, calm down.
14. Hey, there’s someone who isn’t white!
15. Swimwear design seems to be the go-to career for Bachelorettes. It’s like Bachelors and personal training.
16. Bacon is a very ~interesting~ thing to feel so passionate about.
17. Oh no. Why is this woman skipping? Why is she talking like a little girl? What is happening right now?!
18. “I am passionate about myself!” Same though Janey, same.
19. I’ve cringed about six times in the last 30 seconds watching Janey do her thing.
20. “I’m a practicing artist.” Is that kind of like how I’m a practicing food-taster, but like, I’ll never be able to morph that into a career?
21. “I’m on The Bachelor to find love”. PHEW! That cleared that up. And here I thought you just wanted to fight 20 other girls for fun.
22. Oh Richie. You really do scrub up well.
23. “I’m sweating bullets!” Now there’s the awkward Bachelor I’ve been waiting for.
24. A LOT of Western Australian girls so far. How convenient, literally.
25. “Crikey!” Love that reaction from a guy when he sees be looking babin’ in a hot dress. Definitely what I want to hear.
26. Richie and I would be so incompatible if he’s all about the water, camping, and the outdoors. “Hey Richie I like sitting inside, watching Netflix, sometimes I drink too much, camping freaks me the fuck out, I AM A CATCH.”
27. What does Richie smell like, I wonder?!
28. Richie, babe, I love you but I don’t know if you’re the best person to give advice on smoothly handling nerves.
29. OH NO. SHE DID NOT JUST DROP HER SHOE.
30. If Cinderella were real and, um, dead, she’d be spinning in her grave right now.
31. Janey… hereby known as “the shoe girl”.
32. This is too much.
33. I think Richie has said WOW about 100 times now out of sheer awkwardness.
34. How he’s not stabbing himself with that heel right now is beyond me.
35. We just got a “cool bananas” but it wasn’t from Richie, damn.
36. Well those girls we just flew through aren’t advancing to the top 10 then.
37. Eliza seems cool, I like her. She could be a wifey.
38. OH. OH NO.
39. WHY IS SHE SINGING.
40. MAKE IT STOP.
41. WHY HASN’T ANYONE STOPPED HER YET.
42. Why did they then let her say “twerk twerk twerk and booty slap.”
43. GET HER OFF.
44. I think I like Alex.
45. She’s a wifey for sure.
46. Wait did I speak too soon, what has she written? A poem?
47. OK, OK, she’s sweet.
48. Skipping through another 10 girls now.
49. I love that Mia made Richie spin for her.
50. Ok so Keira Is gonna be the bitch of the show then.
51. She even got that villain theme song.
52. “What turns you on Keira?” OMFG. RICHIE.
53. Did he mean to say that?
54. OMFG I’m dead.
55. Resuscitate me if anything better than that happens.
56. WHY IS ELIZA SINGING AGAIN. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!
57. “How many champagnes has she had?!” Probably not as many as me rn.
58. I love Keira.
59. Literally Richie is the only guy you could say “don’t go bacon my heart” to and have him legit love it.
60. “You’re absolutely shining” - I think that’s the dress though, Richie.
61. “FUCKING GREAT!” HAHAHA this girl is the fucking best.
62. “He’s really nice. He’s got great alignment in his teeth, he’s a good size. I could totally eat his face.” If Richie doesn’t find love, that should be his new Tinder bio.
63. Olena is veerrry beautiful.
64. Attack him with those eyes, Olena.
65. Oop, it worked.
66. “Oh wow, another girl.” Vintea you know which show you signed up for, right?
67. I am so happy to see Osher’s hair on my TV again.
68. There are so many goddamn blondes.
69. The white rose grants someone “exclusive access to a secret hideaway” with Richie. So, like, is Richie just going to be sitting in a box, waiting for the girl to visit him orrr?
70. Did one lady just bark at Richie as he walked in?!
71. “It takes a lot of courage to do something like this.” Dutch courage by the looks of it.
72. STRAIGHT OFF THE BAT BACON GIRL GO GET YO MAN-MEAT.
73. “Girls were coming at me, left, right, and centre.” What a tough job Richie has.
74. All these girls are like “I’m here to find love”, though tbh if I was on the show I’d be all about that free alcohol and asking where the appetisers are.
75. And Richie’s abs, a little bit.
76. Alex, Megan and Elena are my early predictions for the top spot guys, you heard it here first.
77. Uh-huh, a girl code. Coz the bro code worked so well last time.
78. I love that they’re negotiating between five and seven minutes as the appropriate time to interupt people with Richie.
79. These girls are savage and know what they want. I like it.
80. Richie has a hair out of place and I really want to smooth it down.
81. Nikki is playing up that WA angle, work it girl.
82. This girl in the red is already shipping Richie and Alex. Same, tbh.
83. Oh, she’s the mum… didn’t we do this plot last year?!
84. Alex: “I have a little boy… do you like the idea of children?”
85. Richie: *don’t drop the smile don’t drop the smile don’t drop the smile*.
86. WHAT AN INTERRUPTION.
87. Richie was literally saved by Faith.
88. “You’ve been keeping this from us!” Yeah, coz you’ve all known each other so long.
89. Everyone needs to back off Alex right now.
90. Keira has to be so wasted already, I can’t wait to see this chat.
91. OK Keira is too much now.
92. “Babes” you’re not getting the white rose.
93. She’s definitely a bottle of champers down. Minimum.
94. ELIZA WHY ARE YOU SINGING AGAIN. LITERALLY NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THIS SONG AGAIN.
95. I love the contrast between the way the different girls are describing Eliza. You can tell a lot about their own characters.
96. This planking business is like last year when they did yoga. It was nonsense then, too.
97. OK but I’m kinda into Richie’s display of ~stamina~.
98. First rose! Is Tiffany a dark horse perhaps?
99. “If they can’t cope with me, they can’t cope with life.” Honestly these one liners slay me, Vintaea is a champ.
100. I am dying at Janey sitting their with her shoe in her lap.
101. My whole body is cringing.
102. Oh here Richie comes with the other shoe. This is so awkward.
103. Who wants to touch someone’s feet on the first date? Or ever.
104. Drink every time Richie says “nailed it”.
105. “I’m dirty at least 50% of my life.” Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Richie.
106. OOOOH Richie likes Megan a lot if he’s asking pretty eyes Olena to back off a bit!
107. “Megan just got a rose!” “Of course she did, she has the biggest bazookas”. Keira back at it again with the savagery.
108. How much do you wanna bet neither Olena nor Richie know where that quote is from.
109. Literally who is that person who looks a bit like Alyssa Milano? She hasn’t been on screen at all. Must be going home.
110. THE WHITE ROSE IS HAPPENING!
111. And it goes to Alex! Of course.
112. These two are already so adorably awkward together.
113. They’re totally mirroring their body language.
114. “They’re just laughing… laughing out loud!” - Sasha wins the observation of the night award.
115. Alex looks like Whitney Port, it’s been bugging me all damn night why she was so familiar and I have FINALLY figured it out.
116. Keira yelling out “bed bed bed bed” is me when I leave the office.
117. But also stop, it’s annoying.
118. What, a potential early walk out?!
119. If Vintea didn’t feel a spark and she’s calling it, good on her.
120. “Oh god. Get the dress off.” Someone should have told her she could have taken it off without quitting the show.
121. TBH I am a pretty devo Vintaea is going, I will miss her one-liners oh so much.
122. Alyssa Milano I don’t think you’re making it through.
123. Oh wait scratch that, Alyssa Milano got through AND her name is actually Sophie!
124. The more you know.
125. OMFG is Sasha is eating her rose?!
126. I always wondered if they fed the girls during the rose ceremony, but now my question has been answered.
127. Maybe she thought they were all made of bacon.
128. That god Keira is staying. She won’t win, but she is so entertaining.
129. I’m not surprised at who is going home because I have no idea who those women are.
130. It’s not a good time to be a brunette.
131. Everyone needs an Osher to swoop in and calmly and politely tell someone to GTFO when you dump them.
132. This season is already so nuts. Yaaaass.