Jokes are funny and everyone enjoys laughter, and those seem like good reasons to present you with some great one-liners. Enjoy!
1. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
2. The difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants is one's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
3. My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved.
4. Polite tennis players give each other backhanded compliments.
5. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
6. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said, "40."
7. A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
8. There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
9. I saw a sign that said, "Watch for children," and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.
10. I'll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
11. My friend gave me his EpiPen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
12. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
13. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
14. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
15. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
16. I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
17. I recently started a band called "1023 Megabytes." We haven't gotten a gig yet.
18. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, Some asshole has my pen.
19. What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
20. I just bought these shoes from my drug dealer. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
21. I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
22. I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
23. What if soy milk were just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
24. I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
25. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; well, they're not laughing now.
26. This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror and thought, I'm gonna get kicked out of this IKEA pretty soon.
27. I tried to start a beekeeping business, but it didn't generate any buzz.
28. Shoutout to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.
29. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
30. People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
31. There's no "I" in denial.
32. Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
33. I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make it on Fridays."
34. I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.
35. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
36. There's a fine line between hyphenated words.
37. A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home: "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
38. Exaggerations went up 1,000,000% last year.
39. A magician was going down the road and turned into a driveway...
40. I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
41. I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
42. When my toothpaste dropped to the ground, I was crestfallen.
43. The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
44. I was so surprised when the stationery store moved.
45. Parallel lines have so much in common, but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
46. I sympathize with batteries. I’m never included in anything either.
47. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
48. Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks.
—Kevin Kohr, Facebook
49. Apparently, you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
50. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.
51. I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves.
52. The baby knew she was ready to be born because she was running out of womb.
53. I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.
54. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, "You."
55. Velcro, what a rip-off!
56. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?
57. What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.
58. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry-erase board has to be the most remarkable.
59. This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.
60. The average person is really mean.
61. My son told me he didn't understand cloning and I told him, "That makes two of us."
62. I'd never let my children watch the orchestra because there's too much sax and violins.
63. My favorite time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
64. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
65. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.
66. Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
67. I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.
68. I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked.
69. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
—Mark Dunn, Facebook
70. I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
—A.J. Dunleavy, Facebook
71. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
This post contains content written by Erin Chack and Tanner Greenring. It was compiled by Evelina Medina.