It's always a good idea to have a solid joke on hand. You never know when you'll need to cheer someone up, break the tension in an awkward situation, or convince people that you're funny. And if the person who needs cheering up is you, well, they say laughter is the best medicine.
Whatever you need them for, here's a nice, long list of jokes for you to enjoy. They're all one-liners, so you won't have to wait forever to get to the punchline (you're welcome). Best of all, there's a little bit of everything: clever jokes, corny jokes, dad jokes, you name it.
1. I’m afraid of elevators, so I take steps to avoid them.
2. I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
3. What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.
4. Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.
5. Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet.
6. A bossy man walked into a bar. Then ordered everyone a round.
7. If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.
8. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
9. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
10. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?
11. Where does a winemaker get his gossip? Through the grapevine.
12. If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
13. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
14. I went to buy some camo pants, but I couldn’t find any.
15. Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.
16. Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.
17. My IQ test results came back. They were negative.
18. I'm not a hard drinker. I actually find it quite easy.
19. The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.
20. You shouldn't marry a calendar because its days are numbered.
21. Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.
22. I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.
23. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
24. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house.
25. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
26. The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
27. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
—Mark Dunn, Facebook
28. I spent a lot of time, money and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.
29. Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.
30. I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked.
31. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
32. You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
33. What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
34. They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.
35. One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
36. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
37. The issue with dating tennis players is that once they've scored, it's not love anymore.
38. Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
39. There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.
40. There was a heated debate about theft at the restaurant, so I decided not to take sides.
41. I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.
42. The difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants is one's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
43. My friends keep pressuring me to go spelunking, so I finally caved.
44. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
45. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said, "40."
46. A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
47. There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
48. I'll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
49. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
50. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.
51. My friend gave me his EpiPen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
52. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
53. Polite tennis players give each other backhanded compliments.
54. I'd never let my children watch the orchestra because there's too much sax and violins.
55. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
56. Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
57. I saw a sign that said, "Watch for children," and I thought, That sounds like a fair trade.
58. I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.
59. I recently started a band called "1023 Megabytes." We haven't gotten a gig yet.
60. What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
61. My favorite time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
62. I just bought these shoes from my drug dealer. Don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
63. My son told me he didn't understand cloning and I told him, "That makes two of us."
64. I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
65. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
66. What if soy milk were just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
67. I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
68. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry-erase board has to be the most remarkable.
69. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, Some asshole has my pen.
70. The average person is really mean.
71. What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.
72. They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; well, they're not laughing now.
73. I haven’t slept for 10 days because that would be too long.
74. This morning I was staring at my naked body in the mirror and thought, I'm gonna get kicked out of this IKEA pretty soon.
75. I tried to start a beekeeping business, but it didn't generate any buzz.
76. Shoutout to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.
77. There's no "I" in denial.
78. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
79. People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
80. Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
81. There's a fine line between hyphenated words.
82. I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He replied, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make it on Fridays."
83. I organized a threesome last night. There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had fun.
84. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
85. I was addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
86. A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home: "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, please be careful!" Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
87. Exaggerations went up 1,000,000% last year.
88. A magician was going down the road and turned into a driveway...
89. The difference between a hippo and a Zippo is that one is heavy and the other is a little lighter.
90. I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
91. When my toothpaste dropped to the ground, I was crestfallen.
92. I was so surprised when the stationery store moved.
93. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
94. Parallel lines have so much in common, but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
95. I sympathize with batteries. I’m never included in anything either.
96. Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks.
—Kevin Kohr, Facebook
97. I hate Russian dolls; they're so full of themselves.
98. Apparently, you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
99. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.
100. The baby knew she was ready to be born because she was running out of womb.
101. Velcro, what a rip-off!
102. I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.
103. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, "You."
104. I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
—A.J. Dunleavy, Facebook
105. This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.
This post contains content written by Erin Chack and Tanner Greenring. It was compiled by Evelina Medina.