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82 Thoughts You Have When You Watch "Labyrinth" For The First Time

I would like to arrive everywhere in a cloud of glitter like David Bowie, please.

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Our co-workers were horrified that we'd never seen the film Labyrinth before, so naturally, they forced us to watch it. Here's what we thought...

1. What is this movie about?

2. Sarah is angsty as hell. So, an accurate depiction of a 14 year old, really.

3. Her house is very nice.

4. And her step-mother's outfit is glam af.

5. Jennifer Connelly is such a bitch.

6. Seriously, what an angsty teenager.

7. Though tbh I was exactly like that at 14.

8. Or however old she's supposed to be.

9. I'm having flashbacks to all the times I behaved like a brat like this.

10. Is her mother dead? I feel like they should address that?

11. I guess they're trying to make her like the poor orphans in all the fairtytales.

12. These goblins though…

13. But real talk, who actually summons goblins to stop their brother from crying?


14. Is that a thing you can do IRL? Because I feel like if I'd had that power at 15 I would've done the same.

15. But I would've left him to the goblins tbh.

16. Because who even has time to solve that Labyrinth.

17. I would like to arrive everywhere in a cloud of glitter like David Bowie please.

18. She's just like "Oh okay, a Goblin King is here and he abducted my brother and now I have to go through this Labyrinth to get him back," like it's the most mundane thing that could possibly happen.

19. If I was in her position I feel like I'd have some questions for Bowie.

20. This running montage is like… a lot.

21. I love that she ran like 50 metres and then had a fit, screamed, and kicked a wall. Like, same tbh.

22. Actually, this movie has a pretty great soundtrack for jogging.

23. Hang on, did we even find out WHY the Goblin King wants a human child?

24. What does the Goblin King do when he's not abducting babies to fulfill the passing wishes of angsty teenagers?

25. Sing and dance probably.

26. And stuff socks down his pants to get the perfect bulge.

27. There's some eyeballs in a pile of moss and she's just like "OK sure". WHY AREN'T YOU FREAKING OUT?

28. She's like the most bizarrely jaded teenager I have ever encountered.

29. She's way too casual about all this.

30. And now she's talking to a worm because of course she is.

31. Ok, so here's the first ~musical number~ of the film.

32. What special kind of acid were the creators of this movie taking?

33. David Bowie singing about this Goblin Baby and the kid is just like "OK".

34. Everyone in this film is way too cavalier about all this fuckery.

35. Wow he really just threw the fuck outta that baby, didn't he?

36. Real talk is this the baby from American Sniper?

37. So while this huge goblin party is going down, who is guarding Gringotts?

38. Back to JenCon and she's just like "HOW DO I GET TO THE CASTLE OMG" but it's like, "Bitch just go toward the sound of the MASSIVE ROCK CONCERT that Bowie is holding right now".

39. The baby stopped crying leave him with the goblins I reckon. Win win??

40. So this Labyrinth is pretty damn cool in some places.

41. I'd really like the walls of my house to be as sparkly as goblins' walls apparently are.


42. Oh OK, JenCon is getting groped by a trapdoor full of hands. That seems like it should be against the law.

43. I love that they're like "which way do you want to go?" and she's just like, "well I guess I've come this far in this gropefest, may as well see it through?"

44. I tuned out because there was an interesting hashtag trending on Twitter and now I have literally no idea what's going on.

45. There's a goblin with a chicken on his head.

46. So far, the moral that I'm getting from this is: "Trust no goblin".

47. But tbh, I probably already knew that.

48. Actually, I'm pretty sure the moral of the story is to not be a fucking brat and wish for goblins to abduct your baby brother when all you need to do to get him to stop crying is to sing him a song (see above, goblin musical number = no crying baby.)

49. Loving this mysterious soundtrack…

50. There's a big, dumb, sad monster who looks a bit like Snuffy. JenCon's being totally sweet and lovely to him but it's like "where was this attitude when your flesh and blood baby brother just needed a nappy change?"

51. JenCon just needs to get her shit together.

52. Why doesn't this dumbass door knocker just spit out the door knocking bit? Like, he's all "no don't put it back in my mouth noooo!" but it's like "stop biting down on it you idiot".

53. These goblins and monsters all need to get their shit together too.

54. Like, do they enjoy living in this creepy maze ruled by David Bowie?

55. The door knockers don't even get to be involved in all the fun goblin parties and sing-a-longs.

56. Is Bowie's character a goblin or what though?

57. No but really, why is the KING OF GOBLINS not even a goblin?

58. I mean, Croc is the Legend of the Gobbos and he is a crocodile and the gobbos are like, little balls of monster fluff, so maybe it's just like that????

59. Bowie is warning the goblin that JenCon is not his friend and he's like "no she is" and it's sort of heartbreaking because as an audience we know that she's a fucking bitch who will turn on him in a heartbeat.

60. What is happening right now? It's like, a green screen and a bunch of red muppets singing off-key and dancing and it's very bizarre.

61. I think I want to install a huge-ass labyrinth in front of my house so only the truly worthy can come visit me.


62. Hang on so now there's a dog/squirrel thing wearing an eyepatch WHO ARE YOU and why are you the only non-goblin here?

63. The tree covered in glitter makes me think of Mandy Moore's video for "So Real". What a good song.

64. JenCon is dressed like a crazy princess and Bowie is seducing her. It's questionable as fuck but like, maybe you should just stay here and live with the Goblin King, since you are not fussed by any of the weird shit going on down in the Labyrinth, and just send your baby brother home?

65. Like, your parents will probably be OK with it since you're such a bitch to them all the damn time? They can use the money they spend feeding and clothing you to hire a babysitter. Win win!

66. She seems to be the only one at this party who missed the memo about wearing a mask.

67. Honestly she probs got the memo and refused to follow suit because she is a teenager who needs to express her ~individuality~.

68. OK the dog/squirrel is back and now he's riding a bigger dog?

69. I'm so tired what is happening in this movie???

70. Oh look at that it was all a dream.


72. Did M Night Shamylanananah direct this? These twists though...

73. OMG ANOTHER PLOT TWIST she arrived at the goblin lair AND THE BABY IS GONE!

74. And now she's in a M.C. Escher painting?

75. This song and dance sequence actually 100% could be a Bowie film clip.

76. Also all these stairs are making me dizzy.

77. OK so Goblin King just said, "Fear me, love me, do as I say, and I shall be your slave!". That's some borderline Fifty Shades stuff right there.

78. Disclaimer, I'm really not following what's going on AT ALL in this film.

79. Oh hey, she's at home.

80. Oh hey, everything turned out fine in the end.

81. And now she's having a goblin rave in her bedroom?

82. Happy ending I guess?