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Welcome back to the O.C., b*tch.
Isha: The most repulsive character to be born out of the beauty that was the The O.C.. He was a total slimeball who deserves nothing more than to be tossed in the trash. 0/10
Hameda: Oliver is like every dude you were warned you’d meet on the internet. Super dramatic, not cute and a complete liar. Yuck, no thank you. 1/10.
Jules: MY HATRED FOR THIS MAN KNOWS NO BOUNDS. Teen Jules was absolutely livid with his attempts to undercut my sweet Ryan and evidently I’ve held on tightly to that grudge. 2/10. (Cue angry commenters saying, “oH BuT YoU’D BaNg GrAnDaD CoHeN?!”).
Thirst ranking: 1
Isha: Swoon-worthy blue eyes and a jawline that could (probably) cut glass. Very thirst-inducing, but on the other hand, he was in that super inappropriate relationship with Taylor Townsend, so he doesn't deserve my attention. 1/10.
Hameda: I see Jack Hess’ face and I’m instantly uncomfortable. For some reason, he gives me angry, cis, white man vibes, but that’s probably because I don’t actually remember him at all. Or maybe I do and that’s the problem. Either way, I’m not sticking around to find out. 0/10.
Jules: Aw man, I can barely remember his plot points, but Principal Hess can put me in detention anytime. Student-grooming aside. God, I need to rewatch this show. 5/10.
Thirst ranking: 2
Isha: Oh, Frank. I can appreciate you turning a corner and reuniting with Ryan, but there's not a molecule in me that wants to jump your bones. Sorry, dude. 3/10.
Hameda: I look at Frank and I feel absolutely nothing. Dry as a desert. I probably wouldn’t even like him much as a father in-law. Yeah, nah. 1/10.
Jules: I gotta say, casting here did a 10/10 job. Or is that just Ben McKenzie in makeup and a wig? Either way, I’d still give him 5/10.
Thirst ranking: 3
Isha: I don't know why, but I can only see good ole' Jimmy here as a dad — not a DADDY. The distinction is very important and for that reason, I'm doing a hard pass on him. 3/10.
Hameda: Jimmy Cooper is the guy you end up getting when you say you want a sugar daddy. Then you politely decline and continue living your best broke life. 3/10.
Jules: He’ll always be Rachel’s Josh-UA in Friends for me — so he gets extra points for that. But otherwise, not a lot going on for me here. 4/10.
Thirst ranking: 3.33
Isha: Tbh, I had to look up old mate here because I had no idea who he was — and I take my thirst rankings very seriously. The only thing that was remotely interesting about him was that he's French and I wouldn't mind living off a diet of cheese, baguettes and crepes, so he gets points for that. 4/10.
Hameda: Forgettable. I say this because I literally have no idea who this man is. He sounds French and he probably wears a lot of turtlenecks. 2/10
Jules: Who?! Was I just very drunk during these seasons and blacked out new characters? I mean, I like his zesty villain beard and cosy turtleneck? So, 4.5/10.
Thirst ranking: 3.50
Isha: Paul Wesley is attractive yes, but that doesn't redeem the loser character that Donnie was. 2/10.
Hameda: I completely forgot that Paul Wesley was in The O.C.. Aesthetically? I’d probably go there. But when you take into account both Donnie and Stefan’s (The Vampire Diaries) characters, it really takes that attraction down a notch. And I’m known in many circles for being a sucker for bad boys. 4/10.
Jules: OMG it’s Stefannn! Why do I always forget he was in this? He really peaked in The Vampire Diaries though, can’t say I’m into this overly-gelled, hold-my-gun-sideways persona. 5/10.
Thirst ranking: 3.67
Isha: Johnny's hairstyle is so tragically early '00s and for some reason, I am attracted to that. He's also easy on the eyes and if I look past his annoying crush on Marissa, then yeah, I would let him take me home. 7/10.
Hameda: As far as bucket haircuts go, Johnny’s wears his VERY well. He’s cute, but absolutely not my type — too soft and not that funny or in other words, Johnny Johnny, no papa. 2/10
Jules: Wow, that hair is SUCH a throwback and I’m not mad about it. But I also get ultimate softboi vibes here — like he would enjoy kissing your forehead and plaiting your hair. And I don’t like to be touched that way. 4/10.
Thirst ranking: 4.33
Isha: In today's world, I reckon Volchok would be the fuckiest of fuckbois. You know, the kind who are like, "Oops, I accidentally just sent you a dick pic. Just kidding ahaha, unless...????". Based on that logic, I conclude that he would be good for a one night stand and not much else. 6/10.
Hameda: Cam Gigandet in Burlesque DID THINGS FOR ME, but Volchok is a trash human and there’s not much more I can say about that. Perhaps a one night stand? 5/10.
Jules: I will never forgive Volchok for killing Marissa and essentially derailing every season of The O.C. that followed. Sure, his eight-pack was nice and I’m sure it would have been fun for a night, but he also strikes me as the type who would ask you out and then spit “slut” in your face for saying no. Ah, young love. 3/10.
Thirst ranking: 4.67
Isha: I'm pretty sure Justin was only there for, like, one episode. But he radiates big preppy, boarding school energy — and I will GLADLY take that and his delicious curls, thank you very much. 6/10.
Hameda: Is nobody going to talk about how he's the same guy who played Jasper from Twilight? No? Well then, as gorgeous vampire Jasper who has my whole heart? 8/10. As Justin? 5/10.
Jules: Shame, so young, so beige. It’s a no from me. 4/10
Thirst ranking: 5
Isha: I didn't see the appeal in Ché as a teen and I still don't see remotely anything that sends me some tingles down there as an adult. But I gotta say, Chris Pratt has come such a long way, huh? 5/10.
Hameda: I absolutely love Chris Pratt with all of my heart, so despite Ché's faults, I have to say I would not slam the door in his face if he showed up to my dorm room. These are just facts. 8/10.
Jules: CHRIS PRATT WAS IN THE O.C.?! Well, colour me confused as fuck. The beanie, knitted jacket and creepy, nudist guitarist vibes do NOT agree with him, though. 4/10.
Thirst ranking: 5.67
Isha: I feel like with a ~fresh~ haircut, Zach would look very, very cute and adorable. And I like that he's into comic books and other geeky things — totally my vibe. 7.5/10.
Hameda: Can’t say I remember Zach all that much, however, he’s got a cute smile, so he gets points for that. 4/10.
Jules: Cute, for sure But woefully forgettable. 6/10.
Thirst ranking: 5.83
Isha: Although he's not the sharpest tool in the shed (sleeping with your ex-girlfriend's mum is a big no, no), Luke is, well, abdominally blessed. And that counts for something, especially while he's wet and shirtless. Plus, he's got those baby blue eyes and says one of the most iconic lines in the series: "Welcome to The O.C., bitch." 8/10.
Hameda: Luke Ward is exactly the type of person I probably should’ve been attracted to in high school, but alas, I was too busy gazing at Sandy Cohen. Sorry Luke. Ya basic. 5/10.
Jules: Aesthetically, I’m here for Luke. But he also radiates fuckboi vibes and reminds me of every guy I ever hated in high school (triggered). So for that, I give him a 6/10.
Thirst ranking: 6.33
Isha: I'm so tempted because life is hard, ya know, and being the wife of some old, rich dude has its perks. But then I would have to have sex with a semi-lifeless corpse (sorry, Caleb) and I'm too young for that. 5/10.
Hameda: I would kindly ask our vanilla folk everywhere to avert their eyes when I say Alan Dale could GET IT. And as Caleb Nichol? I’m not going to say no to someone so business savvy and RICH. Yes please, gimme some of that. 9/10.
Jules: Two words for you: Total GranDADDY (forgive me, grandfathers…). But seriously, I’m into Caleb. He had them piercing blue eyes, looked good in a cravat, more money than sense. What more do you want? 7/10.
Thirst ranking: 7
Isha: I don't remember much about D.J. other than him being the ~pool boy~, but he can come clean me out any day of the week. 7.5/10.
Hameda: I barely remember half of Marissa’s love interests, but D.J was cute and I’d be down if he’d be down — for the check or the pipe laying. 7/10.
Jules: OMG, it’s Doctor Melendez! This list should just be "Men We Forget Were In The O.C.". I don’t really remember D.J., but god I love him — what a babe. 7/10.
Thirst ranking: 7.17
Isha: Let's not lie to ourselves here. Trey is all kinds of fine — in fact, he is positively delicious. But he's not the sort of dude you take home to your parents and he's kind of an asshole. 8/10.
Hameda: If I remember correctly, Trey was recast later in the series. I would, without a doubt, swipe left on first Trey. But second Trey? I would answer all the “wyd” texts he sent me. 7/10.
Jules: Honestly, how anyone can look at this dude and not immediately hear Imogen Heap is beyond me. HOWEVER, his face does look as though it were carved by angels (or a horni Satan). So trash-personality aside, 8/10.
Thirst ranking: 7.67
Isha: I'm STILL pining over Seth and it's been, what, 13 years since the show ended? He is my dream softboi — boyish good looks, witty humour, gentle-hearted and a solid gamer to boot. Yes, I know he's whiny and annoying, but so am I — we'll be two peas in a pod. 10/10.
Hameda: Seth’s one liners are — to this day — my absolute kryptonite. He’s hilarious, gorgeous and despite being a little creepy at times, I wouldn’t be mad if he named a boat after me. Plus, he was in love with Summer, who is a queen in her own right. 10/10.
Jules: I know everyone froths hard on Seth and, I get it; cute, loner, gamer boy who’s hiding a heart of gold. But I never rated him hugely. I think I was put off by his incessant pining over Summer at the beginning who, by all appearances, was just a spoiled bitch. Like dude, you don’t even know her, move on! But I also don’t want to be trashed by angry Seth-fanatics, so look, let’s settle with 7/10.
Thirst ranking: 9
Isha: Ah yes, the boy from Chino himself. This man knows how to make a white singlet look like the most beautiful thing in the world (peep those vein-popping muscles!!) and his hair is always just the right amount of tousled. The only downside to Ryan is his superhero complex, which does grind the gears a little. 9/10.
Hameda: Yes, Ryan was the bad boy we all seemed to want and need in our lives, but the fact that he was so infatuated with Marissa makes me feel like he’s just a little bit basic. Still, a gorgeous man remains a gorgeous man — have you seen Ben Mckenzie in Gotham? 9/10.
Jules: Oh my sweet, troubled, baby-faced Ryan. If I were OD-ing in a back alley somewhere in Mexico, you’re the only man I’d want to find me. I was all in for Ryan and still am — I just bang my head against the wall until I forget about the whole Taylor Townsend mess. Still, a solid 10/10.
Thirst ranking: 9.33
Isha: As a young, impressionable teen — who knew nothing about boys — I did not take a second glance at Sandy. But now, I can see what a total catch and absolute DADDY he is. I just want him to sweep me into those enormous arms of his and take care of me. 9.5/10.
Hameda: You say Sandy Cohen, I say the kickstarter for my daddy fetish. Sandy was funny (duh, it’s where Seth got it from), sexy and honestly, I would risk everything to be his date to Chrismukkah. 1000% 10/10
Jules: Mmmmmm, toast me a bagel and spread on a thiccc layer of Mr Sandy Cohen. Those lush, out of control locks! Those protective, daddy-got-you vibes! Those can’t-be-tamed brows and could-cut-glass jawline! You get the point, I’m into him. 10/10.
Thirst ranking: 9.83
