1. Love Actually, but with the cast of The L Word as all of the characters, even though they would do terrible British accents.
2. Cheaper by the Dozen, but it’s about a lesbian couple with 12 dogs.
3. Bend It Like Beckham, except without the useless male coach. Jess and Jules (JULES, come on) would just snog at the end and all would be right with the world.
4. Clueless, but Tai gives Cher a plaid–and–Doc Martens makeover. They fall in love, and Cher sensibly decides not to get off with her sort-of stepbrother.
5. Juno, but she never accidentally gets knocked up, because she's a lesbian. The end.
6. The Notebook, but it’s about a cute old lesbian couple who’ve been together for years and got married as soon as it became legal. It’s even more upsetting than the first movie.
7. Heathers, but with more sex and less death.
8. Step Up, but Jenna Dewan plays both her character and Channing Tatum’s character. She leads a troupe of empowered queer lady dancers.
9. Adventureland, but Jesse Eisenberg is just Ellen Page.
10. Bring It On, but Kirsten Dunst and Gabrielle Union have a secret Romeo and Juliet-style love affair, and get thrown out of their teams for fraternising with the enemy. Ultimately their romance unites both teams because love and cheerleading conquers all.
11. Grease, but Danny is a leather biker butch with exactly the same haircut and wardrobe.
12. Brokeback Mountain, but with Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams as the cowgirls. Their husbands are just there in the background, for colour.
13. Mulan, but she decides to keep her new look, rejects Li Shang, and gets off with some random chick in the end.
14. Mean Girls, but Regina and Cady have a turbulent love affair and get outed in the Burn Book.
15. My Big Fat Greek Lesbian Wedding.
16. Twilight, but Bella falls for Edward’s sister with the spikey hair instead. Edward and Jacob also run off together. Honestly, this is a better love story than Twilight.
17. Titanic, but Jack is a girl. The character looks exactly the same, though. Also they both fit on the big door in the end and start a new life together in New York, ultimately using Rose’s wealth and Jack’s street smarts to open an illegal speakeasy when Prohibition comes into force.
18. The Princess Diaries, but with none of the male love interests with bad hair because they’re all trash. Mia ultimately realises she’s been in love with her best friend the whole time and they run off to be joint Queens of Genovia.
19. Bridget Jones, where Bridget gets revenge on Daniel by sleeping with hot Lara from the New York office.
20. Whip It, but Ellen Page’s character ditches the lame band dude and has steamy sex in the diner with Alia Shawkat instead.
21. When Harry Met Sally, where Sally ditches Harry in the end because it turns out she’s been having an affair with her friend Carrie Fisher, who has a lovely cropped haircut, the entire time.
22. Jenny’s Wedding, except cast with actresses with actual chemistry who do more than politely hold hands in bed. Definitely Samira Wiley.
23. Pride and Prejudice, but Lizzie Bennet decides that marriage isn’t for her in the end, because Darcy is a bit of a prick. She moves into a lovely little cottage with her “intimate friend” Charlotte Lucas.
24. 10 Things I Hate About You, but Kat never forgives Patrick for the bet and gets off with the lead singer of the band instead.
25. Cruel Intentions, but that one spitty kiss actually goes somewhere.
26. The Hunger Games, but Katniss ditches both dudes and gets off with Johanna in a tree in the second movie. They take over Panem and resolve the war several months earlier.
27. Pitch Perfect, but Anna Kendrick makes out with the hot ginger singer in the shower right at the beginning, and we never meet the boring man who loves films.
28. She’s the Man, but Viola decides she likes the blazers and short hair and decides to stay that way.
29. Thelma and Louise, but in the end they decide life is worth living and start a remote lesbian commune together.
30. The Sound of Music, but with some hints that the nuns are getting it on the whole time.
31. Chicago, but with more Orange Is the New Black-style prison sex scenes. Preferably involving Catherine Zeta Jones and Queen Latifah.
32. Ghostbusters (2016), but Kate McKinnon snogs someone, literally any other woman, even for just a second.
33. But I’m a Cheerleader 2.
