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    Watch In Horror As '80s Kids Attempt To Explain Late '90s Cartoons

    Old people are so funny.

    by , , ,

    Erin: HELLO FRIENDS. Let's talk about cartoons of the '90s and '00s.

    Jack: READY.

    Tanner: ...

    Viacom Media Networks

    Kayla: What show is this?

    Jack: The Space Police.

    Tanner: The Boy With The Big Family.

    Jack: The hero is the goat.

    Tanner: Wait, I looked at it more closely and noticed that two of the people are fairies, and I sort of remember a show about fairy god parents. Something like that.

    Kayla: You're onto something.

    Jack: Wait...Two of them are royalty.

    Tanner: The goat and the alien are royalty.

    [Editor's note: Tanner's not wrong about the alien, oddly enough.]

    Kayla: Royalty of what kingdom though?

    Tanner: Heaven.

    Jack: Is it about the British royal family in the regency period?

    Tanner: Wait, is it the afterlife? Like LOST? That's dark.

    Jack: Yes, they are all in purgatory. Hence the goats.

    Tanner: Smart.

    Jack: It is based on Dante's Divine Comedy. Very popular with kids in the '90s.

    Paramount Pictures

    Erin: What's the name of this show?

    Tanner: We're Still Figuring Out Computer Graphics: The Show.

    Jack: Attack of the Killer Jeans.

    Erin: What's it about?

    Tanner: I feel like I've seen the guy in front in memes.

    Kayla: Yeah, he's been around the interweb.

    Tanner: Teens on Tumblr like to make memes of him. I've probably seen some fan art of him kissing Shrek.

    Erin: Oh.

    Tanner: I think he's a boy genius.

    [Editor's note: !!!]

    Kayla: There we go.

    Tanner: And he accidentally brought those jeans to life. And he's deeply in love with Shrek.

    Jack: It's about a bunch of kids who are bigger than houses who are rightfully run out of town by the neighborhood watch.

    Tanner: Why are they so big?

    Jack: So they can fit into those giant pants.

    Tanner: Man, we sucked at computer graphics. Wait, is this The Incredibles? I think this might be The Incredibles.

    Jack: Oh, yeah. Yes.

    Peter Hannan Productions / Nickelodeon Animation Studio

    Tanner: Catdog.

    Jack: What the fuck is that?

    Tanner: The cat eats, and the poop comes out the dog's mouth and vice-versa. I don't think they ever show it, but it's implied.

    Jack: Is it like The Human Centipede?

    Tanner: And the cat's a jerk? The dog is dumb, right?

    Erin: Wow, Tanner's right. It is Catdog. How old are you? Twenty-two?

    Tanner: Thirty.

    Kayla: OK follow-up question: Who is this guy?

    Peter Hannan Productions / Nickelodeon Animation Studio

    Jack: Boogerman.

    Tanner: That looks like Jack if Jack was a cartoon. Is it a dude? Or an animal?

    Jack: Is he friends with the genetic abomination? Are they from the same show?

    Erin: You tell us!

    Tanner: He looks like Skeeter from Doug, kinda.

    Erin: Valid.

    Jack: Yes, they are from the same show. It's called Disasters of Science. It's a cautionary tale.

    Erin: Ok, let's do some fill-in-the-blanks: "Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann, much too cool for _______."

    Jack: A frying pan.

    Tanner: Drugs! Stay in school, kids.

    Jack: Salt.

    Tanner: Nineties cartoons were all about drug prevention.

    Jack: Salt is slang for drugs in this show. So, yes.

    youtube.com / Via Buena Vista Television

    Erin: Here's another: "Timmy is an average kid that _________. 
Mom, and Dad, and Vicky always giving him ________."

    Jack: Died, eulogies.

    Tanner: My mind jumps right to "sex" and "handjobs," but I know that's not right.

    Viacom Media Networks / Via youtube.com

    Erin: "Someone once told me the __________ on the other side."

    Tanner: World is gonna own me. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. The song from Shrek.

    Jack: Spirits of the damned wait for us.

    Kayla: Bonus points if you know where it's from, and which famous singer sang it.

    Jack: Billy Joel. Wheatus. Tiffany. Debbie Gibson.

    Tanner: Smashmouth. It's from Shrek. I already said that.

    Anivision / Klasky-Csupo / Nickelodeon Animation Studios

    Kayla: "A babys gotta do ______."

    Tanner: Meth.

    Jack: His solemn duty to god and country.

    Anivision / Klasky Csupo / Nickelodeon Animation Studio / Via youtube.com

    Erin: "Call me, beep me if you want _________."

    Tanner: Meth?

    Jack: To go on a casual date.

    Tanner: Salt.

    Jack: To sleep with me?

    Tanner: THE NSA TO READ YOUR MESSAGES, AM I RIGHT?! Topical.

    Disney–ABC Domestic Television / Via youtube.com

    Erin: New game: Is the girl on the right the protagonist or a bully?

    Anivision / Klasky Csupo / Nickelodeon Animation Studio

    Jack: Oh, god. Is he going to hurt her?

    Tanner: Bully. Mean older sister. The boy is her obnoxious yet lovable younger brother. The show is about him and his adventures.

    Jack: That's Pepper Ann and the dude is her Salt dealer. She's like trying to resist him but she is an addict.

    Tanner: It's a dystopian future where everyone is hooked on Salt and he's a Spice Runner.

    Jack: Yeah, that's why her lips turned blue. It's the first thing before they fall off. :(

    Tanner: Whoever controls the Salt controls the Universe.

    Erin: Who controls the salt, Tanner?

    Tanner: Illuminati.

    Anivision / Snee-Oosh, Inc. / Nickelodeon Animation Studios

    Erin: Protagonist or bully?

    Tanner: Classic bully.

    Jack: Def a bully. He is trying to strangle a dog?

    Tanner: He's gonna eat it after he finishes that marshmallow.

    Jack: Yeah, it's that show about the dude who eats dogs.

    Jade Animation Nelvana

    Erin: Last one: protagonist or bully?

    Jack: Whoa. She looks like one of the Sweet Valley High twins. Her name is Jessica Wakefield.

    Kayla: What's a Sweet Valley twin?

    Tanner: She's called Brace Face and she's a bully.

    Erin: Wait, wow. That is Brace Face.

    Tanner: THAT WAS A TOTAL GUESS!

    Kayla: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    Tanner: 'CAUSE I AM A BULLY AND THAT'S WHAT I WOULD CALL HER.

    Jack: Her hands are bigger than her head.

    Kayla: You know what that means...dot dot dot...

    Erin: Big gloves?

    Tanner: Big dick.

    Jack: Also, can we talk about the fact that she is painting green nail polish onto her hands but her nails are pink?

    Anivision / Klasky Cuspo / Nickelodeon Animation Studios

    Erin: Ok. What's this character's special power?

    Tanner: WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING LIPS? Get it together, late '90s cartoons!

    Jack: Her superpower is not having any friends.

    Tanner: She's hyper-intelligent like Dr. Manhattan in The Watchmen. She can blow people up with her mind.

    Jack: Those bangs work like a helicopter and she can hover three feet in the air but no one cares because no one likes her.

    Tanner: That's not what bangs are.

    Jack: I mean hair ropes. Whatever you call them. Side ponytails.

    Tanner: Hair ropes sounds right.

    Billionfold Inc. / Nickelodeon Animation Studios / Nelvana

    Erin: What's his power?

    Jack: He is a vegan.

    Tanner: That's like the lack of power.

    Jack: He looks like a Picasso painting. His power is that he has a lot of perspective.

    Tanner: He creates shockwaves of light that disable electronic systems. His name is Shockwave, and he's a teen superhero.

    Jack: Is he evil?

    Tanner: Yes. Right?

    Kayla: You tell us!

    Jack: He looks like he thinks he's hot shit.

    Tanner: He's evil. He shut down the stock exchange using his powers and destroyed the world economies. He plunged the work into a new Dark Age. Millions died.

    Jack: He has a D on his chest because his name is Captain Douchebag.

    Viacom Media Networks

    Erin: What's this guy's power?

    Tanner: He can levitate small balls three inches above his head.

    Jack: He's from the same show as the last guy. I can tell because they both have the same squiggles instead of earholes.

    Tanner: Wait, it's the same kid from the purgatory show. His power is walking between heavenly plains, like Dante with Virgil the goat as his guide.

    Jack: That seems right actually.

    Tanner: He's visited all the levels of hell and escaped through a crack in the lake of ice in which Satan rests to purgatory. He was chasing his love. NO man has witnessed more torment than this boy.

    Cartoon Network Studios

    Erin: Can you tell us the backstory for these characters?

    Tanner: Sugar, spice, and a secret chemical X all combined to create the Powerpuff Girls. Obviously. Next.

    Kayla: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    Jack: They used to be beach balls who mutated into humans after a chemical spill.

    Gunther-Wahl Productions / Nickelodeon Animation Studios

    Tanner: Those are beaver morning radio show hosts.

    Jack: Yeah, they are shock jocks. Log Jocks!

    Tanner: Billy and THE SPAZ on KQRS in the mornings.

    Jack: The Best Dam Show on the radio. Because beavers.

    Tanner: Man, I'd watch a show about beaver shock jocks.

    http://a.k.a. Cartoon / Yeson Animation Studios / Funbag Animation Studios

    Erin: What's their story?

    Jack: Oh god. This is horrifying. Is this another future dystopia show? Their skin is hanging all off their faces! And the pig...

    Tanner: I thought the one in front was grabbing the others crotches as first. The perspective is weird.

    Jack: The expression on the pig's face is terrifying.

    Tanner: Lol, he's wearing a wallet chain. That's pretty '90s.

    Jack: They are a tough street gang from the '90s who were mutated in a horrible radioactive disaster.

    Tanner: This is a show about child juggalos. ICP produced it and made guest appearances. So did popular wrestlers at the time.

    Erin: Ok, are you ready for a rapid fire round?

    Tanner: Born ready.

    Jack: YES.

    Anivision / Klasky Csupo

    Kayla: Who is this and where is he from?

    Tanner: Lilo and Stitch. He's an alien hunter.

    Jack: Pineapple Man from Pineapple People.

    Anivision / Snee-Oosh, Inc. / Nickelodeon Animation Studios

    Tanner: Penis Nose from Toonsters.

    Jack: The Naked Cobbler. It's very dangerous work.

    Klasky Csupo / Nickelodeon Animation Studio

    Tanner: Whoa. Hello there.

    Jack: Hi cutie! This is when they started way overcorrecting for drawing lips.

    Tanner: I think she wears the belt up high cause it's slimming.

    Kayla: Show? Name?

    Tanner: She's a centaur, but instead of being half-horse/half-person, she's half-horse/half-face.

    Jack: Sexy Circus Freaks is the show. Cutey McHorseface is the person.

    Tanner: The Bearded Beauty from Sexy Circus Freaks.

    Jack: She only wears high heels and a belt.

    Tanner: Hot.

    Jack: Were we right about everything?

    Erin: Yes, Jack, you were.

    Tanner: I didn't know any of these shows, but I think I could write a better kids cartoon than any of these.

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