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1. A tongue scraper, because it may become the oddest-looking part of your routine but it'll bring you RESULTS. It scrapes any ~residue~ off your tongue to cancel bacteria and odored breath...just don't look at your sink.
2. A lobster claw oven mitt to probably feel like you're betraying your fellow lobsters when throwing them in the pot, but at least now your hand is properly protected from the heat. Whatever you need to tell yourself, Brutus.
3. A tub of Elizavecca carbonated clay mask so you can make skincare a heck of a lot more entertaining. Aside from its obvious selfie potential, this is great for minimizing blackheads, exfoliating, and removing excess oil! And, you know, bubbles.
4. A silicone egg mold in the shape of a cat that'll show the world you're not *kitten* around when it comes to seriously Insta-worthy breakfasts. May your eggs never look boring again.
5. A pair of meat-shredding claws for really getting to work when you're ravenous and need pulled pork IMMEDIATELY. Prepare to ~bear~ some resemblance to very hungry animals.
6. A grip strip, because this'll bring you straight to the future where you don't need glue or magnets to keep your phone, keys, glasses, WHATEVER right where you want 'em. People may think aliens infiltrated your car, but you and I know the truth.
7. A set of wine condoms to add a little *excitement* to regular nights in. Sure, they help extend the life of already-opened bottles of wine, but the real lesson here is you should always use protection when it comes to vino. Wine gone bad is a tragedy that must be avoided at all costs.
8. And! A wine stain–preventing balm so you can drink your merlot without it leaving a mark. If the sight of you putting this on your lips and teeth rubs people the wrong way, just wait until their mouth is purple. WHO WILL BE LAUGHING THEN, I WONDER.
9. A corgi butt mouse pad that'll make work feel a little less ~ruff~ by providing plush carpal tunnel prevention. I INSIST you make nonstop butt jokes over Zoom. Don't worry, people will love it.
10. A set of knit kitty table leg protectors for probably making your roommate furious, but you know what they just don't understand ART. They should really thank you for preventing scratches on your floor — now you'll get your security deposit back.
11. A Squatty Potty toilet spray, because when you gotta go you gotta go, and there's nothing *magical* about the fear of leaving...evidence. You and your new number two can ride off into the sunset scent-free while the rest of the world holds it in.
12. A mesh head covering to a) have a favorite new statement piece and b) successfully protect yourself from those damn mosquitoes. Some say this is for camping, but they don't know fashion.
13. An egg separator so making breakfast always goes swimmingly. I for one don't see anything fishy about letting my yolk touch the lips of gold fish. He's doing his best.
14. The RBG Workout, an exercise book written by (you guessed it) Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg's personal trainer. For anyone scoffing at following an 87-year-old woman's workout routine...how about you try planking at almost 90 and get back to us.
15. A pair of pasta pot holders that'll help you cook your real farfalle without burning your hands (mainly because that would mean you'd have to wait to eat). If one of these goes missing, maybe check that your partner didn't accidentally try to eat it.
16. A set of cat butt magnets for proving you have purrfect taste, especially when you see how useful they are. You have zero excuses to lose your notes now — no if, ands, or butts.
17. A chick-themed contact lens case, because it'll be just another day you ~hatched~ a brilliant idea. Some people are simply screwed when they lose a contact. Not you. Not you.
18. A mango-shaped, slow-rising squishy to relieve stress by playing with this, instead of biting your nails. Reviewers even say it smells slightly sweet, meaning you're about to start craving fruit all day. Sorry.
19. A razor holder so you can declutter your bathroom counter, but it's mainly for having someone to talk to while shaving. He really is the perfect gentleman — he keeps your razor clean and never talks back.
20. A folding umbrella hat that'll turn heads in all the best ways. I can't think of anything more satisfying than walking through the rain without the need to hold your umbrella...everyone staring is just jealous.
21. A skull sponge holder for no longer waiting until the afterlife to do your dishes. Your sponge will stay cleaner now that it's not picking up icky bacteria on the counter, and it'll always be in direct access. Plus, this lil' guy WILL judge you if you "soak" your plate for three days.
22. A tub of Unicorn Snot glitter gel, because you'll be able to benefit from everyone's favorite magical creature, even if it's just their boogies. It'll add some ✨sparkle✨ to your look (it works on both skin and hair!) so you're always sure to stand out.
23. A Dwight dishwasher magnet to finally avoid a lot of conflict with a certain roommate who *claims* to "never know if the dishes are clean." Truly impish. At least now you'll have a funny way to communicate.
24. A pair of leaf scoops so you can make your neighbors go ~green~ with envy as you conquer your entire lawn in half the usual time. Don't let the power go to your head.
25. A Freeman body mask collection that'll prove Friday nights should always consist of you covering your entire body in masks. If people are alarmed when they walk in on you, tell them it's called self-care. Look it up.
26. A Patrick AirPods case for keeping your expensive tech safe, even if you always bury them at the bottom of your bag. That's ok. Take your time.
27. A pair of fashionable dog goggles, because these'll let your fur child stick their head out the window (or really do any outdoor activity) without irritating their eyes. I also hear these'll make them the coolest kid in town.
28. A bird-shaped bottle opener to never ~squawk~ at difficult beer caps again. This lil' birdy can conquer them all.
29. A cool mist humidifier in the form of a little dog about to take off in their reindeer rocket ship, so it's never an ~expedition~ to escape dry air.
But making any practical purchases that DON'T feel fun to use:
