Reddit Is Sharing Their Best Jokes, Here Are 17 Really Funny Ones
Full disclosure: These jokes may or may not have come from dads.
Here are some of the best knee-slappers that came out of that thread:
1. A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"
Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"
2. A duck was standing by a busy roadside, waiting for a break in traffic as cars went roaring by.
A chicken walks up and says, "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."
3. There once was a man in Guam who loved driving trains. He had done it all his life, and he intended to continue. One day, he drove his train a little too fast and ended up killing someone on the tracks. He went to court for it and was given the death sentence. He ate a single banana for his last meal, and he was off to the chair. When the executioner flipped the switch, sparks flew, smoke rose, but the man was fine.
Well, at the time in Guam, a failed execution was considered divine intervention and he was set free. Somehow, he got his old job driving trains back, and the same week ran over someone else. He was tried once again and was found guilty once again. This time however, he had two bananas for his last meal. Again, sparks flew, smoke rose, but he was fine. He survived the chair again and was set free.
Surprising no one, the next month he had killed someone else with the train. This time, for his last meal he asked for three bananas. The judge said, "Enough of the bananas, just send him to the chair." The man said, "The bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
6. An Oklahoma state trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding.
The trooper asks the clown, "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says, "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown, "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler," says the clown.
"Alright," says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticket." The clown says, "I don't have my equipment, it got sent ahead of me."
The trooper says excitedly, "I've got some flares in the back of my car."
As the clown begins juggling the flares on the side of the road, a good-old boy, drunk off his ass, pulls in behind the trooper to witness the spectacle. After watching for a few minutes, the drunk man then climbs into the back seat of the squad car. The trooper, having never seen a man arrest himself before, walks over to the man and asks, "What are you doin, son?"
The man says, "You may as well take me to jail now, 'cause I ain't gonna pass that test."
7. A cowboy walks into a bar. He gets a few drinks and settles up with the bartender. He walks out to find his horse is missing!
He walks back into the bar, whips out his pistol and fires into the ceiling. He says, "Which one of you idiots stole my horse?!" No one answers. Then he says, "If my horse ain't back by the time I finish another drink, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas, and I don't like to do what I did back in Texas." He has a drink and walks back outside. His horse is back where it used to be. As he is mounting up the bartender walks out and asks, "Say partner, what'd you have to do in Texas?" "I had to walk home," the cowboy answers.
8. Two boys are taking a stroll through the woods, when they come across this well. They take a look down the well, and can't see the bottom. They want to know how long the drop is so one of them throws a pebble down there.
They wait a while......nothing.
They spot a good-sized rock and toss it down the well next.
They wait a while.....still nothing.
They look around and spot an engine block. They both push the heavy engine block into the well.
They wait a while....then BANG! A loud crash is heard.
Right when they're about to move on through the woods, a goat comes sprinting past them and dives into the well. While looking at each other and down the well in shock a farmer runs up to them.
"Excuse me, I left my goat around here, do you know where it went?"
"You're goat's crazy, sir!" One of the boys starts explaining. "It sprinted and dived into this well here!"
The farmer looked at the boys, puzzled. "But...that's impossible. I tied it to an engine block."
9. I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday...
Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.
10. A man was at his friend's funeral and asked the wife if he could say a word. She agreed.
The man stood at the podium and said, "Plethora." As he sat back down the wife said, "Thanks, that means a lot."
His son got up and said, "Infinity."
The wife said, "Thank you, that means more than you could imagine."
His daughter got up and said. “Earth.”
The wife said, “Thanks, that means the world.”
11. My wife got really mad about the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
13. How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
14. I got these new shoes from a drug dealer...
Idk what they're laced with but I've been tripping all day.
15. Did you know you can't run through a campground?
You can only ran... 'cause it's past tents.