skailyr
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    • skailyr

      First things first I am extremely socially awkward and have bad anxiety. Ok well I’ve worn tampons since the day I got my period because I wore a pad for 15 minutes and begged my mom for something else. I always used the plastic applicators too. In 9th grade, just about 5 months after I got my first period, I started right before a volleyball game. I was still new to this thing so I had forgotten a tampon and I was NOT going to play volleyball in spandex with a pad. I was the youngest on our team and was absolutely terrified to ask my older teammates for help. I sucked it up and went around to everyone on my team asking if they had a tampon. Well 12 people later I was feeling so embarrassed (idk why, stupid social anxiety) when I finally found a friend and she had one to give me. I was so thankful and ran to the bathroom to put it in but when I sat down on the toilet I realized what kind of tampon it was. Now I was a 14 year old who only needed, at most, a regular tampon. And had only ever used the plastic applicators. My friend had given me a super plus cardboard applicator. I spent 10 minutes trying to get it in but I was in so much pain I was in tears and still failing. I finally gave up because I could not get it in. So I threw it away but realized I still needed a tampon. I got the honor of walking all the way across the gym and reasking my team for a tampon until someone had another one that I could use. Everyone knew I got a tampon from my friend and was in the bathroom for 10 minutes and now needed another one. Nobody said anything but I did get a few looks and my social anxiety has forever engraved that memory in my mind.

    • skailyr

      Ok so when I was 10, we lived in this huge two story house that was built on a hill. From our 1st story we had a deck that went out and you had to go down a flight of stairs to actually get to the ground. So underneath the deck was this storage space fenced in area but we didn’t keep anything in it. It also had the door to our (creepy, rat and snake infested) basement. The fence around it went from the ground to the floor of the balcony and there were only 2 walkways to get under there. One night, it wasn’t that late, like 10-11, but for a 10 year old, it was super late, but our parents had family friends over. They had 4 kids and the two oldest were the same age as my brother and I. So while the little kids were getting in bed and our parents were talking, the four of us decided to play hide and seek outside. Now our “backyard” led to a forest that extended around the neighborhood. We had about an acre of the forest that was our property. It was pitch black out and our dogs were inside. My friend was “it” and the three of us split up. My brother and his friend both hid somewhere in the front yard or side yards, but I ran around back and hid under the deck. I could barely see 8 feet in front of me and definitely couldn’t be seen. I was there for about 10 minutes listening to the rest of them running around out front. So when we moved in, there was this 5’ high, 6’ wide, 5’ long stack of bricks. Big bricks. Like cinder blocks. I was standing about 10 feet in front of this stack and watching and waiting for the rest of them to come running back here. It had gone pretty quiet, as they were all running through the neighborhood. Suddenly, I felt the hairs on my neck stand up straight and behind me I heard bricks being scraped across other bricks. As if someone was pushing the top few bricks across the rest of them. I heard this clear as day, not like some distant noise that might have sounded like bricks scraping against each other. No, the moment it started I knew EXACTLY what it was. It was so distinctive and if I close my eyes I can still remember exactly where I was standing and exactly what it sounded like. I felt this immediate fear as I thought I was the only one in there. I am not a horror movie protagonist, and while I was frozen with fear at first, rather than turning around and investigating, I sprinted out from under the deck as quickly I could. I don’t think I’ve ever run as fast. I didn’t look back until I was well in front of the house. I saw my brother and friends running around and suddenly felt stupid, it was obviously my little brother or his friend playing a trick on me. I mean obviously I hadn’t been watching them the whole time. It was so dark they could’ve walked right past me and I wouldn’t have heard them and then pushed the bricks to freak me out. I reconnected with them and started saying stuff like, “very funny. You almost got me. Etc.” The problem? They had NO idea what I was talking about. When I explained the bricks they looked at me like I was crazy. I was convinced it was one of them and they swore they hadn’t been anywhere near the backyard. We all went back to where I had been to investigate, see what we could find. They had flashlights and my brother and his friend went in while I steadily refused to step foot back under there. Nothing and no one was under there. The bricks were all still there and they thought I was making it up. I swear. I heard what I heard and have no explanation for it. All I’m going to say is that there was no one else out there with us, at least, no one we invited to be back there. My brother still remembers it and we have no explanation for it. While I lived in that house I also had TERRIBLE insomnia. I would wake up in the middle of the night, either feeling sick to my stomach (that lasted 4 months) or have this irrational fear that someone was going to murder me in my sleep. It was so bad I could not go back to sleep for HOURS. I would just lay in bed wide awake terrified to close my eyes for anywhere from 2-7 hours. This insomnia ended, THE DAY we moved out of that house. Literally, one night I was so scared I didn’t sleep for 4 hours, the next night we had moved and I didn’t wake up once, I haven’t woken up with this fear since.

    • skailyr

      Netflix Original: One Day at a Time!!! Buzzfeed, I am still astonished that you have not even mentioned this amazing show before! It’s about a single Latina mother raising her 2 kids with her mother. It is one of the funniest shows on Netflix and deals with everything! PTSD, teenagers coming out, racism, wrongful deportation of immigrants, alcoholism, literally every trouble a woman faces at work from the pay gap to mansplaining, and so much more. The characters are so real and so loveable. This show somehow manages to tackle these tough topics and issues in a real, sincere way, yet is still a hilarious comedy! Watch it!

    • skailyr

      I’ve been to 4 different therapists, each for a long period of time, and done different types of therapy. I’ve done CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). CBT is a very popular form of therapy, but it did not help me at all. DBT completely changed my life. I did an intensive 7 week program in it after my suicide attempt, it helped me start to get my life back together. It specializes in helping those who’ve struggled with self harm, depression, and suicide. I learned many different skills and am now able to move through life without being taken over by my illness. I’ve been able to learn how to talk about it and how to replace the harmful behaviors with better ones, and how to move on and forgive myself when I do fail. Now, I’m able to recognize when I’m letting my emotions take over, I have learned how to not only compromise in my relationships but to stand up for myself. I have better communication with my parents, I deal with friend problems more effectively, I notice when I’m being self judge mental and turn my thinking around. I found out how to live a life that isn’t full of hopelessness and through group therapy learned that I’m not alone and how to open up to people my age.

    • skailyr

      Long, but important!!!!! I struggled with depression and suicide for over 2 years, here is what I want people to know if they want to help me!
      1. Don’t abandon me. Which sounds really easy, but didn’t happen a lot. I pushed people away and tended to not be the best friend even though all I wanted was for someone to care. As much as someone depressed pushes you away, push back, let them know you care. We might not show it but knowing someone still wants us is huge!
      2. Talk about stupid stuff. Talk about tv shows or books or movies or celebrities. If I’m not engaged keep it light. Don’t ask me questions just talk to me. If I’m speaking, really listen to what I’m saying, it feels so nice.
      3. Don’t talk at all. If I’ve been avoiding you and don’t want to come over or hang out, come to my house. Bring a blanket, food, and just watch Netflix with me in the dark. Don’t talk, just be there. That silence can mean more that words will ever say.
      4. Be gentle, but don’t treat me like I’m broken, I’m still me inside. I can still laugh occasionally and I don’t want to be pitied. So just be normal around me, but don’t push me or be insensitive.
      5. Above all else, tell me you love and care about me. That you’re thankful for me. That you don’t know what you would do if I died or left you. Those things that are uncomfortable to say and you just assume people know because you’re friends or you’re family, TELL THEM!! Why do I stress this? Because this conversation saved my life. On the day I was going to commit suicide (had it all planned out, note was written, had the means, had spent the whole day thinking about how I would be dead tomorrow) I went up to my room to get ready for the last event I was going to and to clean up a little knowing I would die that night, I came in my room and both my parents were sitting on my bed. They had found some string in my room and thought I might have been thinking about suicide (I was, but the string they found was totally unrelated to it). They then both told me how much they loved me, how thankful they were for me, how proud they were, how they couldn’t imagine life without me, how much my brothers and sisters loved me, and that If I ever died they would be devastated. That conversation didn’t fix everything, but it did, as I say, “guilt trip” me into postponing my suicide for a day, I remember thinking, “well great I can’t kill myself after they Just told me all that.” The next day, they found out I had been close to committing suicide and I was placed in a treatment facility. Those 5 minutes they took to tell me I was important to them saved my life and I’m still here 2 years later. Tell someone who is depressed you love them, that you care for them and don’t know how you could live without them. Not only will it just be this wonderful thing they need to hear, it might just save their life.

    • skailyr

      So I was in 6th grade and in math class we had been randomly broken up to work in groups of 3. I was with 2 other girls who I knew kinda well and it was Halloween so we were discussing our costumes. And this happened:
      Me: so what are you going to be for Halloween?
      Her: oh my friends and I are doing a group Cinderella thing. She’s going to be Cinderella, and my other friend and I will be her evil, ugly stepsisters.
      Me: oh you’ll be good at that!! I have never wanted to crawl under a rock as much as I did when those words came out. She and the other girl gave me these looks of just pure disgust. I don’t even know where it came from, this was a really pretty and nice girl, so I tried to make up for it by going on about how she was a great actor (she never did acting) and how it was a mistake, but oh I still cringe thinking about it years later.

    • skailyr

      The attempted suicide in The Incredibles. Like WTF Pixar? This is a kids movie so within the first 5 minutes you’re gonna have a guy jump off a roof, get saved by Mr. Incredible, but then be MAD at Mr. Incredible for saving him?!? Like thanks for not only depicting a suicide, but giving young children an unsettling confusion around the whole thing.  Oh and you know there’s also the nightmare fueling scenes with those black blobs that capture Mr. Incredible and then Sid torturing him while making him listen to his family supposedly dying. Yay kids movie! Who exactly ok’ed these scenes??

    • skailyr

      Dear Social Anxiety,
      Thank you. Thank you for all the times I’ve missed out on fun because I was too afraid to leave my house. Thank you for all the frustrating times I have missed out on making friends because you wouldn’t let me speak. Thank you for the panic attacks you’ve caused which left me physically unable to cope for weeks. Thank you for every awkward and upsetting conversation I’ve had with friends and family when you pop up. Thank you for stealing away my confidence. Thank you for all the friends I’ve lost because I was just “too much of a flake.” Thank you for completely ruining parts of my life. Thank you for forcing me to fight you everyday. Thank you for the strength I’ve gained from you. Thank you for teaching me that I am great under pressure, because I’m always under pressure. Thank you for giving me opportunities I wouldn’t have gotten if I wasn’t too afraid to go in with the crowd. Thank you for showing me that I’m a badass because I deal with you every moment of everyday. Thank you for showing me that mental illness is not a choice and is uncontrollable. Thank you for all the opportunities I’ve been given because I’ve had to speak up about you. Thank you for sticking around so long, I’ve learned you are an invasive force and NOT my identity. Thank you for making me learn how to cope with you, and how to be stronger. Thank you for teaching me how to be kind and how to treat others better because they might have you too. Yes you make everyday hell, but I’m learning to walk through it and everyday I beat you and come out stronger. As much as you utterly suck, you’ve made me the person I’ve become, a better, stronger girl. i may always be in a battle with you, but you will never win.  Sincerely,
      A badass girl who you will never overcome.

    • skailyr

      Killer Legends is SCARY AF. you know all those horror movie cliches, or the stories that got spread around in middle school. Like the babysitter getting murdered, poisoned Halloween candy, or the killer with a hook for a hand on lover’s lane? They scared you when you were 12, but I mean they’re just ghost stories and Hollywood right. Right? WRONG! This documentary goes through 4 creepy urban legends EVERYONE’S heard and laughed off and explores how they got started. More specifically, the actual murders and events that they’re based on. Watch it and prepare to relive that childhood fear you had upon first hearing those stories.

    • skailyr

      Um, that Cady was IMMEDIATELY accepted into the clique of the most popular girls in school. Especially after she’d lived in Africa for her life AND was crushing on the queen bee’s ex. As someone who was the new kid for the most of my school career (I went to 7 different high schools) you NEVER get welcomed by the popular kids. Ever. Especially if you’re some weird kid from a different state much less a different continent. You’re the class joke, not the most popular girl in seconds.

    • skailyr

      The main character always, ALWAYS, ends up with a love interest. For once I want a movie where it ends and the girl still hasn’t caught the attention of the boy of her dreams or realized she’s in love with her best friend. Guess what Hollywood, sometimes the unpopular, awkward girl doesn’t end up with a boyfriend in the end! There are 3 options to end every teen movie,
      1. Girl gets attention of dream boy and they date. Yay!
      2. Dream boy turns out to be a douche bag, but girl falls in love with best friend. Yay!
      3. Girl isn’t even looking for a boyfriend because she’s focused on everything else but ends up falling for or kissing a guy and they’re together. Yay!
      Like even if she doesn’t end up with someone, she’s spent the whole movie trying to date them and then realizes there is more to life than a boyfriend. For once I want a movie where there is no love interest to start with or end with. I would even be happy if the main girl did have a love interest but then gets totally rejected and it’s just as important of a lesson as that test she failed two scenes ago.

    • skailyr

      When I was little I used to steal my older sister’s cellphone and once I hid it in my jacket pocket. I forgot it was there and she couldn’t find it anywhere, my parents were SO mad at her because this was the 3rd time she lost it. Skip to 3 months later when I finally wore that jacket again and found her phone in the pocket, rather than be a good sister and return it to her, I hid it in the couch cushions so no one would know I had it. I think she found it like 4 months later.  Oh and then there was the time when it snowed and I was mad at my little brother. He decided to run around our backyard in his underwear and I was the only one with him. I told him I would record it and watched him run in the freezing temperature wearing nothing but boxers. When he was 3 steps from the door I shut and locked it. I then went back to the couch, grabbed my blanket, and stared at him laughing while he banged on the door freezing cold. My mom finally saw him and let him back in.

    • skailyr

      Ok best prank you’ll ever pull. You need at least 3 friends to help you and some poor stranger to play it on. Go somewhere crowded like the mall or something. Pick your victim. Spread out and follow that person around all day. Periodically throughout the day have each person you’re with pass by them and say, “wake up.” “You’re in coma” “this is a dream” “none of this is real” etc. Each prankster only makes contact with the victim once. All I can say it’s hilarious and the longer you’re able to pull it out the better.

    • skailyr

      Well, first off they DO make books for kids about this. Illustrations and all. It was an 6 book set and my mom and I went through them when I was 8. Then nothing. Nada. And I thought for a while sex could only be done with a married couple, except I have a cousin who I knew her parents weren’t married when they had her. My mom just told me my uncle and his girlfriend “slept together.” Until I was 15, FIFTEEN, I thought you could get pregnant by sleeping in the same bed as a boy. And then we were watching a nature show with my 7 yo brother (Big. Mistake.) and they started talking about sex, my parents gave him a very vague explanation. Less than a minute later my other brother walks in and the 7yo yells out, “hey dude let’s have sex!” Yeah, that happened.

    • skailyr

      Ok so I don’t know who remembers this but The Cartoon Network show from 2010, Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated was creepy from beginning to end (pretty sure the original kids were murdered…great way to start a kids show) but one episode absolutely scarred my brother and I for LIFE. “Howl of the fright hound” brief synopsis: the town thinks that scooby has turned and started attacking people so he is “imprisoned” turns out it’s actually a mechanical clone of him (think dog terminator) and they have to stop the machine before he kills everyone. (Again great kids show) well the climax includes scooby and shaggy running through a warehouse being chased by the robot dog when a fire starts and they think they’ve killed him…… NOPE. They show the skin burning off of the robot and out walks tHIS BEAST OF PURE EVIL FROM THE FIRES OF HELL, THE SOURCE OF MY NIGHTMARES AND REASON I NEVER BOUGHT MECHANICAL DOG TOYS. My brother and I screamed turned off the tv and ran to our mom SOBBING in fear. (I was 12). When I pulled up this picture I physically jumped and my brother shuddered when I showed him it. (It’s been 7 years) I don’t know how this was even called a “kids” show. I still can’t watch it to this day…and this picture terrifies me. The red eyes. The razor sharp teeth (that killed people)…the firey hell background… I hate this show.

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