1. Katy Perry and Her Grandma!
Best couple of the night, hands down. Katy’s grandmother is in her nineties. Her sparkly cane is completely fabulous. There is nothing else to say.
2. Chris Brown
UGH CHRIS BROWN. I still do not have a nice thing to say about him, and I find it completely horrifying that whoever plans these award shows seems to have conveniently forgotten that he beat Rihanna up and is a horrible human being. Can’t they have other male pop stars perform? I’d take Pitbull over this guy.
Anyway, he started off his show by wearing a fur-lined jacket with nothing underneath, lip-syncing all the while.
3. Chris Brown
To heighten the creepiness, he ripped off the jacket to reveal the tattoos covering his entire breasts.
4. Chris Brown
These bikes that lit up rode behind him for most of the show. Why?
5. Julianne Hough
This is basically a sparkly towel. I hope to God Bed Bath & Beyond knocks this off.
6. Julie Bowen
In the vein of towel-y looking things, I always figured that the kinds of Vegas spas that offer $400 facials gave you something like this to wear when you’re padding around the place before and after your treatment. Evidently, Julie made off with hers for this event.
I wonder who is responsible for designing the arrangement of word/animal patches on this dude’s tank tops and pleather pants. Willow Smith, hopefully.
8. Natasha Bedingfield
“HI! It’s ME, Natasha Bedingfield, WEARING A REALLY LOUD DRESS! Look at me wearing MY DRESS! It was inspired by the gravel at the bottom of the fish tank that serves as the headboard of my bed. TAKE ME SERIOUSLY AS A SINGER!”
9. Natasha Bedingfield
This see-through thing growing fur is what she wore to sing the Donna Summer tribute, which was the shoddiest tribute I’d seen in a while. Like, she only got to sing a small bit of “Last Dance” into commercial break. What was that?
10. Bleona Qereti
It’s puzzling that, as naked as she is, the most conservative part of the outfit is that huge black band hiding her collar bones. Like, of alllll the things to be selectively modest about — what?
11. Kuba Ka
I get the feeling this is what Chris Brown really wants to be whenever he goes to some silly event like this, but just doesn’t know how to pull it off.
I don’t know what this girl is about, or what her outfit is about, but I think she gets points for not trying. It’s the Billboard Awards — why bother going home to change after the slumber party?
14. Kerli’s Shoes
Why wear clean shoes when these are so much more shocking?
This dress is like one big unnecessary moccasin.
16. Chrissy Teigan and John Legend
John only brought Chrissy along so that he could easily hide his New Yorker in her bust pouch and seamlessly extract it when he got bored.
I don’t know how anyone sat near her and resisted throwing gum wrappers at her to see if they could make a bullseye.
18. Nelly Furtado
I’m not wild about the white collar around her neck that appears to be attached to her dress, but this would be so much better without the black peekaboo bra. I always wonder who makes those styling decisions — like, “here’s a weird dress, Nelly. You know what would confuse everyone more? Is if you wore a black bra sticking out the top. Yes, let’s have you do that.”
19. Taylor Swift
I was so distracted by how see-through this looked. It was evidently fully lined but every time I looked at her I was afraid I’d see nips.
20. Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa
She looks like a white sneaker, he looks like the hipster so many chicks wished they were.
21. Amber Rose’s Shoes
I want these.
22. Swizz Beatz and Alicia Keys
They look awesome. Next to Katy Perry and her grammie they were the best-dressed couple of the night.
23. Justin Bieber
I appreciate how normal he looks, yet with signature “I’m a male pop star flare” like his bracelet, earrings, chains, too-white sneakers. Unlike…
25. The Wanted
And this is what they wore to perform. I think the song was about running into the sun or something. But they look like they’re running to the wine bar on the corner. Step it up boys. Buy something sparkly for yourselves. I’m bored.
26. Far East Movement
AKA, “BIG ASS PENDANT NECKLACES.”
You know, when you go this far out as a dude with such a bright girlish blue, why not go all the way with a blue or silver sequin shirt? Why bother with the CHAMBRAY? Do the full Dumb & Dumber reprise, at least.
29. Julie Brown
Makes up for Diane Keaton’s absence.
30. Michael Lockwood and Lisa Marie Presley
Did they take a wrong turn on their way to the reenactment of Paul Revere’s midnight ride?
31. Carrie Underwood
This is gorgeous, but, I fear, wasted on this event. This is an Oscar dress! Or a bride who wants to be different by wearing a color’s wedding dress!
32. Carrie Underwood
I cannot say how much I appreciated her performance, which, in case you missed it, involved her singing something about being “blown away” with huge fans all over the place blowing at her and huge chunks of toilet paper all around her, in a spectacular perversion of literalism.
33. Zooey Deschanel
I get the feeling she would have really rather been somewhere else. Like, judging by the outfit, a Christmas party.
34. Lacey Schwimmer
Omigosh her hair is growing MOLD!
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