1. People who refuse to pick a restaurant.
3. People who refuse to try anything new, ever.
Anderson Cooper is a terrible, terrible role model.
4. People who don’t know how to wait for food.
You are not going to starve. Find your zen.
8. People who think the bottle of wine you order to share is their personal property.
Whoa there, cowboy.
9. People who order something dumb and then get sad about it.
Why would you get the shrimp at a burger joint? It didn’t have to be this way.
12. People who refuse to share food.
I don’t have a life-threatening communicable illness, OK?
It’s been three hours. Can you let them clear the appetizers, please?
17. People who have to make sure you notice how healthy they’re being.
18. People who do this to get the waiter’s attention.
Use your words.
19. People who treat dinner like it’s some kind of game.
Eating is SERIOUS BUSINESS.
20. People who have trouble transporting food from their plates to their mouths.
It’s a problem.
22. People who say this:
Stay home and eat sad things by yourself.
23. People who force you to order dessert so they feel less guilty.
God knows dessert is important, but so is FREEDOM and the RIGHT TO CHOOSE. Leave me alone.
24. People who are turds about splitting the check.
Oh, what’s that, you need to have an exact accounting of the minute price differences between eight people’s entreés? Oh, you “never carry cash”? Oh, you “forgot” about tax and tip? GET OUT AND NEVER COME BACK.