Disclaimer: I don’t hate everything about brunch. Like, the fact that it’s OK to eat a burger and pancakes and a doughnut in the same meal should not be undersold.
But so much about brunch sucks really, really hard. For example…
1. When you’re the first to arrive and it’s awkward.
2. When you have to wait for three hours to get a table.
3. When people take forever to decide what they want.
4. When everything on the menu has to tell you how special it is.
Do not need to know that this artisanal bacon was smoked over a fire fueled by reclaimed barn wood and hand-tended by a farmer with a PhD in semiotics.
5. When you order and then the food doesn’t come for an hour.
It takes like two seconds to cook an egg. What’s the problem here?
6. When they won’t let you order booze until noon.
7. When a Bloody Mary sounds awesome and then it’s actually disgusting.
8. When the coffee is way more complicated than it has to be.
No, I actually don’t need to read a picture book about the special home-schooled Kenyan elephant named Florentine that shat out my coffee beans, I just need you to fill a mug with decent coffee and give it to me. And then continue to refill it.
10. When vegetables forget their place.
I am all about roughage at any other meal, but brunch is not a time for salad. Only small quantities of vegetables allowed, preferably cooked in butter.
12. When you order something weird and people hate on it.
The whole point of brunch is that you can eat whatever you want.
13. When you order something awesome and people creep on it.
14. When you start to hate what you ordered halfway through the meal.
Newton’s Law of Brunch: If you order pancakes, you’ll wish you had ordered eggs. If you order eggs, you’ll wish you had ordered pancakes.
15. When people bring their babies.
It could be the nicest brunch in the world. Your. Baby. Does. Not. Care. Your baby does not know what brunch is. Your baby will cry. And then I will hate you and I will hate your baby, who probably is cute and doesn’t deserve that.
16. When people won’t stop talking about how awesome brunch is.
The first rule of brunch is never talk about brunch.
17. When people think brunch is a time to complain about all the mistakes they made last night.
18. When your friend brings his or her one-night stand and it’s awkward.
19. When people go insane and act like it’s the last meal they’ll ever eat.
20. When people refuse to share.
Don’t be like that.
21. When the restaurant rushes you so they can turn your table.
22. When you can tell that everyone working at the restaurant hates your guts.
Because they could be at home, sleeping, and instead they’re here and you’re asking if they can do a vegan version of the French toast.
23. When the food just…sucks.
When line cooks think a meal is stupid and resent making it, you can usually tell.