40 Signs You’re Almost 40

You really shouldn’t like sitting down this much.

1. Your favorite bands from high school now play on classic rock stations.

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2. And your favorite TV shows play on Nick at Nite.

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3. Instead of laughing at those Activia commercials, you wonder, Does it work?

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4. The only new celebrities you recognize are the offspring of the ones you grew up loving.

Charles Sykes/Invision / AP

“Did you hear Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s daughter was cast in Fifty Shades of Grey?”

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5. You still have a CD collection.

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6. But you haven’t bought a CD by a new artist in years.

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7. You rely on Spanx more and more.

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8. You’re seriously concerned that you’re not saving enough for retirement.

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9. You bought your first pair of over-the-counter reading glasses.

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10. You used to print your school papers on this.

Careful! Don’t rip the sides…careful… Goddamn it!

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11. Your shoe selections have become more and more sensible.

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12. Every weekend is another kid’s birthday party.

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13. But you kind of look forward to them because they’re when you see your friends the most.

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14. The hair on your eyebrows, ears, and nose has started to grow in really weird ways.

Universal Pictures
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15. While the hair on your head gets thinner and thinner.

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16. More of your friends are announcing divorces than engagements.

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17. You increasingly enjoy playing the game of “Remember when?”

“Remember the Apple IIe? Remember getting your own phone line in your room? Remember Garbage Pail Kids?”

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18. You really don’t understand how to watch MTV anymore.


Wait… when did they get rid of Kennedy?

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19. The last time you went to the ER, this is what the resident who treated you looked like:

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20. Spotify has started targeting you with Viagra ads because you only listen to music from the early ’90s.

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21. At one point you’ve looked in the mirror and given yourself a pep talk by saying, “You’ve still got it.”

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22. You’ve developed an appreciation for Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, and classical music.

“Fly me to the moon…”

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23. You’re now older than every player on your favorite baseball team.

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24. And the kids starting college next year weren’t even born when you graduated.

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25. You go around the house turning off all the lights.

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26. You’ve started to schedule your Friday nights around watching Dateline NBC.


You might even do a mean Keith Morrison impression.

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27. Everything you think happened five years ago actually happened 10 to 15 years ago.

Hollywood Pictures

Hold up. There is no way The Sixth Sense came out 15 years ago.

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Neilson Barnard / Getty Images for TIME


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28. You’ve got one of these sitting in a drawer somewhere.

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29. And you can’t bring yourself to throw this out.

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30. You use outdated terms like “Did you tape the show?” and “Rewind that song!”

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31. You know how to change a fuse.

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32. Mammograms and prostate exams are now a way of life.


It gets easier, Sully. I promise.

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33. Waitresses card you to get a good tip, and not because they think you’re under 21.

Apatow/Columbia Pictures
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34. All the actors and actresses you used to think were hot now play grandparents.


Hot grandparents, but still. Grandparents.

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35. You no longer dye your hair to try out a new hair color but to hide gray.

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36. A single drink gives you a wicked hangover.

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37. When your friends trade stories from college, you find yourself saying, “Wait. What happened?”

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38. Sitting has become preferable to basically any other activity in life.

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39. But despite everything, there’s no amount of money they could pay you to be a confused twentysomething again.

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40. And as you stare down the big 4-0, you finally feel as if you’ve got things figured out in life.

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