1. Your favorite bands from high school now play on classic rock stations.
2. And your favorite TV shows play on Nick at Nite.
3. Instead of laughing at those Activia commercials, you wonder, Does it work?
4. The only new celebrities you recognize are the offspring of the ones you grew up loving.
“Did you hear Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s daughter was cast in Fifty Shades of Grey?”
6. But you haven’t bought a CD by a new artist in years.
8. You’re seriously concerned that you’re not saving enough for retirement.
10. You used to print your school papers on this.
Careful! Don’t rip the sides…careful… Goddamn it!
11. Your shoe selections have become more and more sensible.
13. But you kind of look forward to them because they’re when you see your friends the most.
14. The hair on your eyebrows, ears, and nose has started to grow in really weird ways.
16. More of your friends are announcing divorces than engagements.
17. You increasingly enjoy playing the game of “Remember when?”
“Remember the Apple IIe? Remember getting your own phone line in your room? Remember Garbage Pail Kids?”
18. You really don’t understand how to watch MTV anymore.
Wait… when did they get rid of Kennedy?
19. The last time you went to the ER, this is what the resident who treated you looked like:
20. Spotify has started targeting you with Viagra ads because you only listen to music from the early ’90s.
21. At one point you’ve looked in the mirror and given yourself a pep talk by saying, “You’ve still got it.”
22. You’ve developed an appreciation for Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, and classical music.
“Fly me to the moon…”
23. You’re now older than every player on your favorite baseball team.
24. And the kids starting college next year weren’t even born when you graduated.
26. You’ve started to schedule your Friday nights around watching Dateline NBC.
You might even do a mean Keith Morrison impression.
27. Everything you think happened five years ago actually happened 10 to 15 years ago.
Hold up. There is no way The Sixth Sense came out 15 years ago.
29. And you can’t bring yourself to throw this out.
30. You use outdated terms like “Did you tape the show?” and “Rewind that song!”
32. Mammograms and prostate exams are now a way of life.
It gets easier, Sully. I promise.
33. Waitresses card you to get a good tip, and not because they think you’re under 21.
34. All the actors and actresses you used to think were hot now play grandparents.
Hot grandparents, but still. Grandparents.
35. You no longer dye your hair to try out a new hair color but to hide gray.
36. A single drink gives you a wicked hangover.
37. When your friends trade stories from college, you find yourself saying, “Wait. What happened?”
38. Sitting has become preferable to basically any other activity in life.
39. But despite everything, there’s no amount of money they could pay you to be a confused twentysomething again.
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