1. You may be hearing inklings today about yet another stage in the never-ending saga of the American presidential election. That's because it's SUPER TUESDAY!
2. The thing that makes this Tuesday so Super is the sheer number of states voting:
3. What makes it extra complicated is how every state does things a bit differently, and at different times. In Alaska, for example, only the Republicans are having a caucus.
4. But in Colorado, a state known for its stunning natural beauty and legal-ass weed, only the Democrats are picking delegates on Super Tuesday.
The Republicans are also having a caucus on the same day, but their delegates won't be bound to any candidate until the national conventions. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
5. And, OH GOD, also, in Wyoming – a state with a population of three people living under the benevolent rule of a friendly grizzly bear – the Republicans have a caucus on Super Tuesday, but it's only a pretend one.
6. Lots of candidates have dropped out of the races recently as they suddenly realised that they were fucking awful at running for president. That means the remaining Democrat candidates are:
7. Meanwhile, in the Republican race we have:
8. So who's going to win??????? Well, unless something deeply strange happens, Hillary's going to have a good night.
9. And Donald Trump is going to destroy all before him because that is apparently what's happening now.
10. Basically, here is a simplified version of the above map.
11. So essentially, what’s really interesting about this particular Super Tuesday – and this particular election – is that the end times approach swiftly and without mercy for the innocent.
12. Because as this Economist/YouGov poll from this weekend foretells, Trump has gone from a racist carnival sideshow to the seemingly inevitable Republican nominee for president.
Economist/YouGov poll Trump 44 Cruz 21 Rubio 17 Kasich 8 3-way Trump 49, Rubio 27, Cruz 25 1-on-1 Trump 58, Cruz 42 Trump 57, Rubio 43
13. And with 11 states each and 1,460 delegates up for grabs, Super Tuesday is likely to cement that fact.
14. Because, you see, they’re not just competing to win states. Hahaha, no, that would be far too simple, and Americans would never hold a simple election when they could hold an absurdly complex one with rules that date back to the 1780s.
15. But basically, what you need to know is that if they get enough votes, even candidates who lose in a state can still win ~some vague number~ of delegates.
16. Oh, wait, except it’s even more complicated than that with the Democrats, because they have superdelegates as well.
17. Let's take a breather for a second and look at another lovely picture of a patriotic American dog.
18. But anyway, another thing that makes Super Tuesday so Super is its timing – even with eight months left before Election Day, it's high time the parties started consolidating their support around their official nominees.
19. Because of this new urgency, the Republicans are having a bit of a mare thanks to their little Trump situation.
20. If you love a good conspiracy, you'll be disappointed to learn that there isn't actually a smoky back room somewhere filled with elite Republican power brokers (or dogs) who can force other non-Trump contenders to quit and rally behind Rubio.
21. Nope, nothing to see here.
22. The New York Times reported that the closest thing to a plan the Republicans have is something proposed by Senate majority leader and empty-sock lookalike Mitch McConnell.
23. The Republican party is in a bit of a pickle: Establishment Republicans worry that staying attached to Trump would fatally harm their other races and their party as a whole.
24. So they reckon that sometimes it’s better to just saw off your own arm and be done with it.
25. So that's what Super Tuesday is, except for the bits that are too complicated. In the words of failed candidate and human wet-blanket Jeb Bush: Please clap.
Everything's going to be absolutely fine!