The Only 16 Oscars Dresses Worth Discussing

Charlize! Halle! J-Law! Crutches-Stew! Avoid wasting time on what E!'s hosts wore by just looking through these carefully selected photos.

1. Charlize Theron in Dior.

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This woman is perfection. She doesn't overdo it, she just picks things that are classy and elegant yet fashion-forward, walks onto a red carpet, and makes everyone else look like they shopped at Forever 21. Also, though she wore white, she manages not to look like she's getting married.

Her jewels and the detail on the dress were just lovely.

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Also key: NO NAIL ART. Marc Jacobs really did kill it.

2. Catherine Zeta-Jones' gold Zuhair Murad.

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Well someone had to wear Zuhair Murad, and since J. Lo's nipples stayed home from the ceremony this year, it may as well have been Zeta-Jones. Just about everything he makes looks like a vase you'd see at the residence of someone with the taste of a Beverly Hills housewife. Or, as my colleague Peggy Wang says, like "something you'd wear to a Mardi Gras ball."

3. Jane Fonda's Versace.

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This is like one of those colors that you'd only expect to see on street-style peacocks at fashion week, who choose it solely for the purpose of getting ogled. Otherwise you wouldn't expect to see many people try to wear it — or this much of it, long sleeves and all — but it works amazingly on J-Fo, I think. I'm sure a lot of people will hate, it but I love that she took a risk and looked sort of '80s in the best possible way.

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The back showed the perfect amount of skin. Enough to show she's still got it but not so much that people will assault her for trying to dress "too young."

4. Halle Berry's Bond girl–inspired Versace.

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This will be another debatable moment because this many sparkly stripes are normally the perfect formula for "tacky." But I think she looks sexy and actually a little punk with her hair spiked up like that in the front. This is one of those dresses that, on anyone else, would "wear" them, but on Halle it looks as natural as Lindsay Lohan walking into a courthouse.

And check out the back!

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Interesting and sexy.

5. Naomi Watts in Armani Privé.

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On the one hand, I like that this is classic yet different. On the other hand, I can see the one cap sleeve being extremely polarizing. I'm biased in favor of sparkly things because shiny stuff is just more fun than matte stuff, but I can't decide if this looks somehow not fully realized in a Project Runway way or not.

But it's a lot better than what she wore to the Vanity Fair party...

6. What is this about?

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Kelly Osbourne normally wears better dresses than this. This looks like kitchen tiles you'd find in Kimora Lee Simmons' house.

7. Jennifer Lawrence's Dior Couture.

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I won't spend too much time on this since we've already taken an in-depth look at her Dior phase, but this dress was a LOT to handle. It needed its own manager, as you can see here. Did that woman just hide under the dress all night and come out to fluff it once in a while as needed?

It excited everyone, as you can see by the adorable expressions of glee on these camerawomen's faces.

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But it created this feeling of, here's Jennifer Lawrence's dress, and here's everything revolving around Jennifer Lawrence's dress.

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It was so big it prohibited her from getting close enough to E!'s mani cam to stick her fingers in the thing. And of course she fell in it when she had to ascend the stairs alone to get her award. It was an awesome creation, in terms of design, but made Jennifer Lawrence look like she was riding a snail around all night.

8. Sally Field in Valentino.

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Fabulous. What more is there to say?

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9. Anne Hathaway's pale-pink Prada.

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I love this as a simple-yet-different red-carpet option. Prada's not easy to pull off, and this definitely worked on Anne. HOWEVER, after everyone seeing her vagina, I wondered about her decision to go with a dress that emphasized her nipples, even if the pointiness came from the dress's seams and not her actual nipples.

Allen J. Schaben/Los Angeles Times/MCT

It was also awkward when she asked Ryan Seacrest for hairstyling tips, but overall this look was very fashionable and nice on her.

10. Jennifer Hudson's Cavalli.

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Roberto Cavalli is like Zuhair Murad — at least one person has to wear him on every major red carpet and cause a lot of fashion followers to throw up their hands and wonder why more people don't just wear Prada or Calvin Klein. But this was perfect for her — a lady who can sing as loud and as well as she can needs a gown that has a lot going on, even if it's shiny blue velvet leopard spots.

11. Jessica Chastain's Armani Privé.

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Something so simple was a bit of a different look for her. Actually, maybe it wasn't the simplicity as much as the fact that this looked so effing perfect on her, unlike the series of Alexander McQueen dresses and whatnot that she's worn that recall antique furniture.

12. Jennifer Garner in Gucci.

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This was the most talked-about dress on social media, according to AdWeek. The gargantuan mane of ruffles in the back was like the wedding dresses Maya Rudolph wore in Bridesmaids, but only on one side?

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And in bright purple. This is not a dress but a parody of one.

13. Fan Bingbing's Marchesa.

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She's one of those actresses who can put on anything — a sequined bath mat, a dress made of mops, whatever — and just wear the shit out of it. Stunning always.

14. Kristen Stewart's Reem Acra.

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Speaking of bath mats!

The effect of the tulle on the bottom reminds me of those slippers with mop-like bottoms that are supposed to clean the floors while you walk around.

15. Salma Hayek's Alexander McQueen.

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I like that she didn't change for the VF party. This dress is fussy enough, really.

16. And finally, Michelle Obama in Naeem Kahn.

Naturally, the FLOTUS put everyone who thought they were having THE silver moment of the night in their place — one (or, like, 20) step(s) behind her.