1. The Test Taker
When I was in high school, there was this boy who constantly made fun of me and would basically bully me. During a final exam, I was sat right next to him, and he had the audacity to say, “Put your test close to the edge so I can copy your answers.” I let him copy and think he was going to ace the exam. Little did he know that I was perfectly aware that I could fail the final and still get a good grade, and that’s exactly what I did.
2. The Creamer Conspiracy
Someone kept using my coffee creamer at work, even after I started labelling it and moving it to different refrigerators. So I replaced the creamer with watered-down ranch dressing. Someone clearly used it, and even though I still don't know who it was, they don't use my creamer anymore!
3. The Shrimp Shade
When my friend in college decided to leave her controlling and emotionally abusive boyfriend, I helped her move out. He was really particular about the way the place smelled, so we got some raw shrimp, pulled off the ends of all the hollow curtain rods, stuffed some shrimp in there, and replaced the end cap. I don't know if he ever figured out where the stench was coming from.
4. The Ghoster Gets Ghosted
I dated a guy for a while before being ghosted out of nowhere — no fight, no warning, nothing. A few years later, we matched on Tinder, and I told him I’d love to see him again. I picked the farthest bar with paid parking to meet at, waited for him to text me that he had arrived, and then blocked his number and went disco roller-skating with friends.
5. The Screwed-Up Situation
I used to sublet my apartment to a friend until she gave me three days' notice she'd be moving out early and no longer paying rent. She left behind her disassembled bed in the storage room for a week, trying to get me to sell it for her, before finally coming by to pick it up. So I went and took all the screws from her bed. Screw her for screwing me over.
6. The Tape Torture
I had a coworker who was just a horrible, nasty person, so one day I put a piece of clear tape over the sensor of her wireless mouse. It didn’t work right and drove her bananas.
7. The Fishy Fiasco
My mom caught her now-ex-husband cheating, so she shoved two uncooked trout into the seats of his truck in the middle of July. After he discovered them and did his best to clean his truck, his friend dropped off two more trout, so she proceeded to repeat her revenge.
8. The Reviewer Revenge
My ex-boyfriend cheated on me and even tried to blame me for it when I broke up with him. A few months later, he asked me to review an assignment that was very important for getting his degree. I made some mistakes on purpose, he failed, and when he texted me about it, I just replied, "You shouldn't trust everybody! I guess the lesson's learned for both of us now."
9. The First-Class Fiend
I moved across the country for my very serious boyfriend of four years and then got dumped without warning three weeks later. Thankfully, he offered to buy my plane ticket back home to the opposite coast. So...I bought a first-class flight back home and charged it to his credit card.
10. The Vibrating Vengeance
Whenever my siblings annoy me, I hide my old phone in their bed while they sleep, put it on vibrate, and just message myself over and over again so they get super annoyed with the vibrations. And when I feel extra angry, I leave the ringer on so it dings over and over again.
11. The Loathsome Loofah
I had a roommate who never cleaned the bathroom, so I would use her loofah to clean the shower.
12. The Petty Pennies
This girl started pestering me over a debt that wasn’t even two days old, implying I might not remember to pay her back. So I spent the time before our class together going around the city to different corner stores asking cashiers for change until I got her goddamn €8.42 in nothing but small coins. When I got to class that evening, I said, “Hold out your hands,” dumped several fistfuls of coins into her hands, and said, “Here’s your money. Enjoy!”
13. The Pee Perfume
I had a roommate in college who would always use my expensive cologne, basically drowning himself in it. He used the whole bottle in less than two months and didn't listen when I told him to chill with the next bottle. The cologne was the kind with a screw-on cap that you just dab on, so I poured out about a third of the bottle and proceeded to fill it back up by peeing in it. He then continued to douse himself in pee for the remainder of the semester.
14. The Log-In Legend
I worked for a mental health clinic and eventually learned that they employed a lot of practitioners who wouldn’t see people from the LGBTQ community. I needed the job at the time, but that really bothered me. We were always told to only use the website where we looked up insurance when necessary because it cost the company money with every log-in. So I happily spent all my free time logging in and out to waste their money.
15. The Beeping Button
A teacher I used to work with was horrible — terrible to the kids, racist, sexist, etc. He particularly hated a lot of noise, so one day, I came across a magnetic button that beeped loudly once every 30 seconds — basically, frequently enough to be noticeable, but not frequently enough to be able to figure out where the noise was coming from. I stuck it to the back of his desk drawer and watched him go crazy for weeks.
16. The Disneyland Debacle
I was in central California one spring break, and some friends invited me to meet them at Disneyland. I got up at the crack of dawn, drove four hours, and spent a lot of money on tickets, only for them to blow me off by ignoring my calls and texts. Later that day, I was invited to the set of a TV show that those friends were obsessed with, so I went, met the entire cast, and hung out for hours. When they found out a few years later that I'd gotten to hang out on set, they freaked and asked when I went. "Oh, remember that spring break trip where you all ditched me at Disneyland? Yeah, I went later that day. I would have invited you, but you didn't seem like you wanted to hang out with me. Oh, well." The crushed looks on their faces were delicious.
17. The Tuna Tactic
Every summer in my twenties, our large group of friends would rent a beach house, and the guys liked to pull irritating pranks on us. One of the dudes hated tuna fish, so I got a can of tuna in oil and very delicately rubbed some of the oil on all his stuff. All weekend, he walked around asking, "What smells like tuna?!"
18. The "Rat"-taliation
I had a horrible roommate at one point who always left everything she touched a giant mess. One day, I found a dead rat outside, put it inside a Tupperware container, and hid it outside. When I finally moved out a month later, I retrieved the rat box, opened the door to her closet full of piles of clothes, and tossed the dead rat in one of the piles. Based on how messy she was, I’m guessing she didn’t find it for a while.
19. The Declined Dirtbags
When I was a server at a steakhouse, I would handle most of the private parties in the cigar room. I sometimes would serve pushy men who felt that they could treat me however they wanted and make disparaging or sexist remarks to look like big shots in front of their friends. When it came time for them to pay the bill, I wouldn’t even run their card. I'd just come back and loudly announce that it had been declined.
20. The Donkey Dials
When I was in high school, I found out my friend had been giving out my phone number to people she didn’t like or to stores for discounts. So, I put up two ads on Craigslist saying she was selling ducks and a donkey. It was over a year before the calls finally stopped.
21. The Oil Offense
The girls that live across the hall from us party very loudly on the weekends and run up and down the halls at all hours of the night, yelling and screaming while drunk off their asses. My roommate finally got fed up, and while they were in their room, she snuck out and put popcorn oil all over the floor. Naturally, they slipped and fell on their asses.
22. The Soiled Seats
At my high school, some kids from our rival school spray-painted a bunch of dicks on the property the day before our football game against them. In response, one of our kids poured deer piss all over the visitors' bleachers where they had to sit to watch the game.
23. The Catnip Conspiracy
My uncle absolutely hated his old neighbor. The neighbor hated stray cats, so one night, my uncle and his friend went over and planted a bunch of catnip seeds in the bushes along the side of his house. From that point on, all the stray cats were always at that house.
24. The Diabolical Diapers
I kept signing up my ex-boyfriend for free samples of adult diapers. He must have gotten a package of them every week for six weeks and even posted on Facebook asking who was sending them to him.