Here's What Happened In The Finale Of "The Bachelor" Australia

FUCKING YES, I WON MY OFFICE SWEEP!

Hey there! Ready to recap the LAST episode of this season of The Bachelor?

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Yeah I know, I know. It wasn't the same without Tara. But we all deserve a drink anyway for making it this far, so let's not give up now!

We got one last shot of Matty staring at the ocean, and he contemplated how hard his life was dating two beautiful women.

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As the series showcased what looked like a poor attempt at an ad for Air Asia, Matty grimly tried to decide his fate. "This is it. This is the end," he said with an air of weariness.

Elise met Matty's mum and three brothers.

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OK let's address the elephant in the room here. (Lol, not me! That comes later!) Who the FUCK set up the table they were eating at? I assume the same person who set up the medieval date a few weeks ago. Why was no one facing each other? Is this the last supper? Well, I guess it could be. Except Matty's breaking hearts, not bread.

With some heavy music, Matty's brother Tom fired questions at Elise during some solo time. "We share a love of the outdoors and the ocean," Elise told Tom. Literally that's all it took for Tom to be sold. Please follow me on my next journey of lying about loving the outdoors and the ocean to get people to like me.

Matty's mum then got a chance to also grill Elise. "We're very close as a family," she told Elise, like we all didn't know Matty's sister was controlling him via remote from back in Australia. Matty's mum LOVED Elise. Like, I think she wanted to give her a rose. She literally said if it didn't work out with Matty, she has three other sons ready and raring to go. I'm sure Tom's eyes lit up with joy.

It was then Laura's turn to make an impression on the family:

The editors truly outdid themselves here. We got an amazing supercut of Laura just BABBLING shit, barely pausing for breath, with her eyes manic, and cheeks flushed.

Tom asked Laura about her hobbies. "WHO HAS HOBBIES?!" Laura screamed to the camera afterwards. Honestly, this may be the most relatable Laura has been all season. Also, same. One time my old boss asked me what my hobbies were and I couldn’t even think of anything to say. How do you tell your boss that sometimes you go home from work and binge-watch hours of Real Housewives to escape the reality of your every day life?!

Tom, the guy in charge of the Johnson BBQ, continued to grill Laura, and pulled her up on the fact she hadn't mentioned loving the outdoors yet. Which is kind of interesting, because he kind of looks like someone who would play a lot of COD in real life.

Matty’s mum figured out Laura was frightened AF, but Laura told her that she was completely in love with Matty. She then cried about Matty not being able to say anything back, and Matty’s ma thought the emotion she showed was lovely.

Laura then turned it into a therapy session about how she doesn’t usually wear her heart on her sleeve. “It’s been so lovely to talk with you,” Matty’s mum told Laura, billing her for $150.

Matty takes Elise on a yacht for her single date. An original idea we have never seen on this show before.

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"This boat has never been sailed before!", Matty exclaimed. Mmm I’ve heard the story of a ship sailing for the first time before, and we all knew what happened there y’all.

The two then jumped into a kayak to make their way to a private island. Thankfully, they were in separate ones, because as I know all too well, sharing a kayak with a significant other can sometimes lead to a near break-up. I still maintain I was rowing the right way, for the record.

The whole time I watched Elise's big, goofy, adorable grin, I couldn't help but think it was hugely reminiscent of our beautiful Nikki from last year.

As the two relaxed in a romantic setting, Elise dropped a strange Freudian slip about it being their last night together. "I mean, it could be our last night," she said. I couldn't help but also notice in her one-on-one with the green top, she just looked sad, as though they filmed that after she already knew the ending.

Oh, Elise. Honestly though, if you know and you've finessed a free trip to Thailand, all expenses paid, then more power to you girlfriend.

Matty continued his obsession with taking women on flights over the ocean, before surprising Laura with an elephant.

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Honestly this dude just loves headsets and helicopters.

All of a sudden, I made my cameo, stomping my hooves and snorting through my trunk! Yep, Matty had taken Laura to go bathe an elephant. Did you just scream, "ROMANCE ISN'T DEAD?!". Because, same.

Matty talked about the elephant with more emotion than his final two ladies. "She's so beautiful," he said wistfully. Thanks Matty. I try.

After bathing the elephant, the two went on a gondola ride in the pouring rain, and it was very Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. But instead of yelling things like "What do you want?!" and "It's not over... it'll NEVER be over!" Matty just said, "It's a little bit wet today". Oh well. I guess we can't expect all men to be Gosling.

I spent most of my time being really concerned about the fact they weren't covering up their champagne glasses, and just letting the RAIN fall into them. Bloody amateurs. Here I am savouring every last drop of Omni and you fuckers can't even protect your Moët or whatever shit you're drinking.

Once again, Laura told Matty she had fallen in love with him, and was scared her feelings wouldn't be reciprocated. Then she cried in her one-on-one with the camera, frantically rubbing her hands together. Oh man, this girl really loves him. And I love her, because she's gonna win the office sweep for me!

THE BIG FINALE! But first, Matty and Osher greeted each other like they were actually in Thailand for their own secret wedding.

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TBH, that's the content I'd pay to see.

And the first out of the boat, the unsuccessful applicant for Matty's heart was...

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It was Elise. Look, it wasn't a shocker for most of us. Probably even for her.

But the rejection part always sucks, let's be real. And as Elise's eyes filled with tears, and the sad violins played, she still managed to crack that smile we've all grown to love. But the worst part... the worst part! They made Elise walk up ALL those steps in a long dress and heels! That's just fucking cruel.

Godspeed Elise. You're too pure for the harsh reality TV world.

Finally, Matty told Laura he loved her.

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And I collected my $36 in the office sweep. Yes. It should have been more than $36, at $2 a head, you're right. But some people didn't pay.

If my coworkers are reading this post, I'm not mad... I'm just disappointed.

You think it's over? Think again, sweaties. See you next week for The Bachelorette.

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Hook some wine up to my veins.