We Watched The Season 7B Premiere Of "Pretty Little Liars" And Here's What We Thought
The real mystery is: How many Rosewood wives has Peter Hastings slept with?
1. Here we go team. The final 10 episodes.
2. Lol at the ambo asking Spencer, “Who’s your mom?” I mean, she couldn’t answer that coherently even in perfect health.
3. “Maybe they thought we knew too much about something.” Oh Emily, literally no one is worried about you knowing too much about anything.
4. Also there is no way that anyone can know too much about anything. These storylines are all such a mess, everyone’s related to everyone, and people keep dying and disappearing. Does I. Marlene even know where this is going?
5. Wait, why did Mary Drake run away? I can’t even remember why she was at the blind school in the first place. Hmmm.
6. OF COURSE everyone survived and is 100% fine except Yvonne the random background character with no relevance. Placing bets on the fact they'll kill her off so Spencer and Toby reunite.
7. Ah good. Another post-sex scene to remind us once again, that these girls are adults.
8. All of these girls are suspiciously very OK considering they just witnessed a shooting and a beheading.
9. I guess they’re used to it by now.
10. Lmao imagine being Ali. How do you say to your doctor, “hello can I please get a DNA test for my baby. I know who the father is but I’m not 100% sure if I’m the mother?????”
11. Ezra doesn’t have a great track record with his partners getting abducted, hey?
12. Will they ever address WHY Nicole was kidnapped? And also why we should even really care at all?
13. I’m so happy they’re literally talking about "endgame" in the show. It’s like they’re saying “stick with us guys, it’s really nearly over, see we’re even EXPLICITLY saying it, don’t give up now”.
14. Wow A.D. has really gone hi-tech on the “presents”.
15. Aria’s doll even has little pink streaks in its hair… maybe A.D. is Jason after all.
16. THANK GOD Mona is here I’m sure she’ll sort everything out.
17. But wait can she funnel her energy into doing something productive to find A.D., instead of focusing on Hanna’s unnecessary career?
18. Sooooooo the cops know that Rollins was really Archer Dunhill? But they think he’s still alive?
19. TWO GUNS? Goddamn how do all these people get their hands on these guns? Oh right… they live in America.
20. But does that mean Mary was shooting at them too?
21. Who the fuck is Holden? Why are they introducing new characters? Don’t we have enough loose ends to tie up? (Where is Lorenzo? Where is Lucas? Where is Jason?)
22. OK, apparently we’ve seen him before but clearly he had no significance because I have no clue at all who he is supposed to be.
23. MONA IS PERFECT IN THIS EPISODE, AS USUAL.
24. I’m so happy to see Mona and Hanna working together again I just wish it was about something mysterious, not a fucking dress.
25. Oh thank god, Olivia Benson is back to save the day.
26. But also why did it take her a WHOLE WEEK to come back after HER DAUGHTER WAS SHOT? SHOT. WITH A GUN.
27. OMG Spencer thanks for coming through with a recap that was better than the one at the beginning of the episode.
28. “You want a glass of wine?” YAS BRING THAT WINE MOM AESTHETIC BACK.
29. I am so sad Olivia Benson isn’t Spencer’s mother. Thank god she’s still Melissa’s mom, otherwise she’d have to leave the Wine Mom Squad.
30. PETER FUCKING HASTINGS. Can’t you keep your goddamn dick in your pants for five fucking minutes?
31. Also like, Peter saw Mary in a restaurant? And what, just after entrées was all “hey babes come to the bathroom for a quickie”? Ew.
32. Olivia Benson why did you stay with Peter Hastings after this, goddamn you’re better than that.
33. Soooooo it sounds like Mary tricked Peter into sleeping with her by pretending she was Jessica? What the fuck is this show?
34. Lmao this flashback of Spencer’s birth should technically be set in the mid-90s, why are they all dressed like film noir characters from the ‘40s? That hat is ridiculous.
35. “Ezra! You remember Holden?” Aria says rather manically, like she can’t quite remember him herself and is hoping someone will tell her who the hell he is. SAME.
36. I’m so glad that even after everything, Emily is still dressed only in sports clothes while the rest of the girls still always get to be dressed glam AF.
37. And thank god they’ve dressed Paige in a plaid shirt and a blazer in case we forgot she was gay.
38. OK now Ali has switched from being whiney to being a giant bitch and suddenly I like her again. This is the Ali we know and love.
39. Plus anyone who hates Paige is a friend of mine.
40. This board game is very, very intricate. Honestly A.D. should package it and sell it for $70 at Target.
41. I love when A.D. does shit that helps these characters with their love lives. Such a generous, obsessive psycho stalker.
42, Are they… are they trying to tell us that Rosewood is cursed and they actually can’t leave? RAVENSWOOD VIBES.
43. Ah Spencer. Just casually dropping in F. Scott Fitzgerald quotes to remind you she’s SUPER SMART, OK?
44. She just got a total lady-boner over Toby’s glasses.
45. “My life is a steaming hot mess.” More like this show is a steaming hot mess.
46. “Please don’t kiss me again.” HALLELUJAH EMILY HAS FINALLY SAID SOMETHING SMART.
47. Why is Spencer so shook about this letter from Mary, it didn’t really reveal anything?
48. Paige’s spiel about Ali playing the victim all the time may be the best dialogue from her time in the show.
49. She should just mic drop and walk the fuck out of Rosewood.
50. So Hanna goes to stab the game, and somehow the game/A.D. knows, and blackmails them with footage?
51. How clever, Cluedo could never.
52. HOW did someone film these idiots in the woods digging up Rollins?
53. Also, I 100% forgot about that. Was he there when they dug him up I can’t remember.
54. A.D. back at it again with the thoughtful gestures, they’ve even got Jenna some code in braille now.
55. So, one episode down and zero answers. This is going to be an interesting journey.