Hello, world! My name's Stephen, and last night I attended a screening of Avengers: Infinity War by mistake.
Now, I have zero knowledge of superhero movies. Like, I've barely seen any. And as you probably know, Avengers: Infinity War is a crossover of approximately one billion of them.
Needless to say, I was ~more than a little confused~ for the entire two hours and 40 minutes of the film. Sure, I was entertained by it, but I also had no fucking clue what was going on the whole time.
So, here's my best attempt to describe the plot of Avengers: Infinity War, as someone who did not understand a single minute of it.
(WARNING: I'm about to spoil every single detail of this movie I can remember. Read at your own risk!)
1. There's a villain named Thanos who looks like a big purple ballsack. The first thing Thanos does in the movie is kill Taylor Swift's ex, Tom Hiddleston. I bet Taylor would like this movie!
2. Thanos is trying to collect six jewels, but nobody wants him to have them. It's basically like a high-stakes version of that board game from the '90s, Pretty Pretty Princess.
3. Meanwhile, back on Earth, Benedict Cumberbatch is wearing a cape. Mark Ruffalo crashes through his ceiling, and he is shirtless. I am suddenly jealous of the ceiling.
4. Next, we're in outer space with Chris Pratt, a raccoon, and... the Wicked Witch of the West? This movie is getting more confusing by the minute.
5. Zoe Saldana seems to be reprising her role from Avatar, but this time she's painted green instead of blue. Zoe Saldana's acting career is singlehandedly keeping Michael's Crafts from going out of business, and I love it.
6. Chris Pratt is very, very jealous of Chris Hemsworth. This is the only thing in the movie that makes total sense to me.
7. Suddenly we're in Scotland with a dude who's painted red and a lady who looks just like an Olsen twin. Captain America and ScarJo show up. I'm starting to lose all sense of reality.
8. At first, I thought the red man was Deadpool. I've heard of Deadpool! But they keep calling him Vision, so let's go with that.
9. Vision has one of those precious jewels that Thanos wants. Now, if *I* were Vision, I would probably make some sort of an effort to...I dunno, HIDE THE JEWEL??? Instead, Vision has it glued to his forehead. Smart!
10. The next two hours of the movie were pretty much lost on me. Here are the few things I remember:
11. There's a tree who likes to play video games. His name is Groot, which is all he wants to talk about.
12. There's a young woman in Wakanda who knows everything about everything. She kicks ass. She is my favorite character. She should be president. Does she have her own movie?
13. Mark Ruffalo can't seem to turn himself into The Hulk no matter how hard he tries, and I wish he would just give up and take off his shirt again.
14. Zoe Saldana got pushed off a cliff, and when that happened, the woman seated behind me in the theater was UNSPEAKABLY upset about it.
15. Also, I know that Wonder Woman is not part of this universe, but would it have been THAT hard to at least throw her a cameo? Give the people what they want!
16. Let's just skip ahead to the final battle. Oh man, Chris Pratt really screwed the pooch on this one. The Avengers were SO CLOSE to getting those jewels away from Thanos, and then Pratt blows the whole operation.
17. So now, the Olsen triplet has to kill Vision because the stone is still glued to his forehead and Thanos is COMIN' FOR IT. Of course, killing Vision doesn't actually make sense because Thanos can just manipulate time to get the stone back. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES. How do I understand this universe more than any of these people???
18. Thanos gets his sixth jewel, and everyone slowly turns into confetti. It's sadder than it sounds!!!
19. After nearly three hours of this madness, the movie ENDS. I start getting up to leave, but...nobody else is moving. Why is nobody moving???
20. The credits are longer than the movie itself, but I watch them anyway. And then...ANOTHER SCENE? With Robin Scherbatsky?? And Samuel L. Jackson???? Normally this revelation would be somewhat surprising to me, but I've now been sitting in the theater for 45 years, and I'm too tired to be surprised. It is what it is!
21. Sadly, Robin Sparkles turns into confetti, too. The end!
