17 Penis Horror Stories Guaranteed To Make You Laugh
"I took the term 'blow job' literally and blew on it like it was a balloon. He wasn't amused."
1. The allergic reaction:
"Years ago I dated a guy from work and gave him a blow job. He randomly started distancing himself from me, but later on we grabbed drinks. He asked me, 'Do you remember what you had for lunch on Sunday?' I had no idea, but he said, 'You had cashew chicken... I’m allergic to cashews.' Apparently his dick had exploded into a swollen, itchy, red, skin-peeling member from the blow job I gave him. Whoops."
2. The girthy jaw:
"I occasionally get lockjaw. One time I was giving my boyfriend a blow job – he's quite big and girthy – and my jaw started to hurt. I thought 'fuck it' and kept going, which was a big mistake. It got to the point where I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough to get his dick out, so I had to pry my mouth open with my fingers. Whoops."
3. The curry dick:
"I was giving two guys blowjobs in the back of a gay bar in London, when a third guy came up and presented his dick to me. Being the nice guy I am, I started to suck it, when I was hit with the overwhelming taste of curry, and I REALLY don’t like curry. I did everything to keep from puking before I got up and excused myself. It really sucked (pardon the pun), because all these guys were really hot."
4. The wreck it and ralph:
"Gave a blow job before he gave me a ride back home. In those days I was a swallower, but I think that was the last time ever because I had to make him pull over so I could vomit on the side of the road. Ever throw up semen? Traumatizing."
5. Whatever the heck this is:
"Things felt a little wetter than usual when my boyfriend and I were fooling around, but I assumed we were just extra horny. He looked down and asked if I was on my period. I wasn't, but when he pulled out there was blood EVERYWHERE. We noticed the blood was coming from his penis. We grabbed a towel and put pressure on it to stop the bleeding. It stopped, and we realized his frenulum had snapped, so we went to the hospital. While in the waiting room, I felt a rush of liquid come out of my vagina. Since we hadn't immediately stopped having sex, he basically filled me up with blood. I was, of course, wearing a white skirt. Whoops."
—Conz Preti, Facebook
6. The scratched penis:
"I had just gotten my first set of acrylic nails put on. I ended up giving my friend a hand job, and apparently I completely tiger-striped his penis with scratches. I didn’t find out from the guy though; I found out from his guy friend who received a text from my hookup with a picture of his torn-up penis."
7. The pesky tampon:
"I was really horny so I drove 45 minutes to my ex's house to have sex. The next morning I realized I never took out my tampon. I proceeded to stick my fingers as far up as possible, but his penis was so big that it pushed it too far up. After 30 minutes I gave up and called the guy, asking for a favor. I went to his work, locked the door, pulled out some medical gloves and a towel, and spread my legs on his desk so he could pull out the tampon. He fished around for 15 minutes and finally got it out."
8. The dismembered member:
"I had to drive my college roommate to the hospital after he 'broke his penis' in the shower. He was with his girlfriend in the shower and apparently thrusted too hard."
9. The impromptu health lesson:
"I was pretty sheltered as a kid, so, despite being 17 when I saw my first dingly-dangly, I was extremely concerned about the large growth he had directly below his penis. He then gave me an anatomy lesson and taught me that they're called balls."
10. The nostril catastrophe:
"I was giving my horrible ex a blow job, and he ejaculated so forcefully that the cum came out of my nose. It burned like hell and I threw up a little on his bed. I spent the rest of the night hanging over the sink, coughing and unable to talk because it still hurt so much."
11. The fresh, never frozen, penis:
"My first experience with a penis took place in the storage room of a Wendy’s that my ex worked at. He whipped it out and I started screaming at the sight of the first dick I’d seen, swinging my purse at him and yelling, 'OH MY GOD, IT’S DISGUSTING. GET IT AWAY, GET IT AWAY.' I swung my purse a little too hard and ended up giving him a black eye. Yeah, we broke up after that."
12. The colorful punk:
"It was my first experience with a penis, and I was very scared. He was one of the more 'punk' guys at school, and he pulled out his penis. All of his pubic hair was dyed in a rainbow. I ran out of the room as quickly as possible."
13. The SpongeBob re-creation:
"I, being a lesbian, had never seen a penis at the time. I was tipsy and having a threesome with my girlfriend and a male friend of ours. Not knowing what to do with his penis, I quoted a line from SpongeBob and said 'FIRMLY GRASP IT,' and then I did exactly that. Cut to four years later when I got married to the girl, and the guy was my best man. At the end of his speech in front of our family and friends, he asked everyone to 'firmly grasp their glasses and toast to the newlyweds.'”
14. The American Idol audition:
"I don't know why, but I sang (into, on, at?!) a penis, like it was a microphone, one time."
15. The numb mouth:
"I tried to put a condom on a dick with my mouth, but the condom was one of those tingly sensation condoms, which meant it was covered in chemical lube. The second I tasted it I ran to wash my mouth out. My boyfriend at the time thought I was puking, which actually made him start to puke."
16. The true blow job:
"I was a little sheltered, so I took the term 'blow job' literally, like, thats what you do to the penis... you blow, like it’s a balloon. He wasn't amused."
17. And the bloody surprise:
"I was on my period, but my boyfriend and I decided to have sex anyway. Everything was great until we both started to feel pain. He pulled his dick out and the condom was gone. He started digging around in my bloody vagina for it, while complaining about his tip hurting. We got the condom out and saw that his penis was covered in blood. He thought something was stuck in his pee hole so he went to the bathroom and tried to pee it out for 30 minutes. Finally a clot of my blood came out of his pee hole. Right after that he tried to have sex with me again, so I would say he survived."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.