In the audience at the Oxford Union: "But Latin is my first language."
Overheard in the music faculty:
"When I heard the French 6th chord I just had to buy some Sauvignon Blanc."
"Our sinks just aren't big enough, you can't even fit a kettle under them."
"I know right, I can't even wash my champagne flutes."
Exonian: "Was your ball white-tie?"
Lincolnite: "No, black-tie."
Exonian: "Ha! Lol, peasant."
"Of course my family has a coat of arms. Doesn't every family?"
"Wow, you'd have to have been hit over the head really hard to do something that stupid."
"Or have gone to state school."
"Hush, we're in public, you can't make jokes like that!"
"It's OK, nobody's listening."
"I thought every house had a name until I found out the other week that some English addresses just have street numbers."
Overheard in Waterstones, addressed to a somewhat bemused-looking cashier: "I came to Oxford to avoid the proletariat. And when I get here, what do I find? They're all here, in Oxford, and they're texting."
Overheard at a polling station:
"I dare you to vote UKIP, I'll like, pay you 20p."
"I reckon that the Cookie Monster would be a generous lover."
Third-year economics student:
"They've run out of hummus again! They can see demand is high, why not up supply?! *hits the hummus fridge* LEARN!"
"The physics drinks party was called the Higgs Booze-on."
Email to Oxford students:
"Because of the hazard to plants and to windows, no games of any kind, apart from croquet, even informal throwing of a projectile, may be played in any of the quadrangles. The permitted times are: (a) Sitting and Strolling: noon to dusk; (b) croquet: 4.pm to dusk (Monday to Friday); noon to dusk (Saturday and Sunday).
Please also note that "strolling" is quite different from using the lawn as a short-cut. Strolling does little damage to the grass because there is no regular pattern of use; using the lawn as a short-cut quickly wears a groove of bare earth in the lawn which is both unsightly and damaging for croquet use. Please do not use the lawn as a short-cut."
"What if we made a hashtag-shaped hash brown? Oh, wait, that's waffles, isn't it? I've just invented waffles."
"What do you call the type of beds with one on top of the other?"
"Not bonk beds?"
Big Issue seller: "You look so miserable. How about a smile?"
Person 1: "I have finals."
Big Issue seller: "I'm homeless."
Person 2: "Fair."
Person A: "What is your pulling score?"
Person B: "Erm, let me work it out…" *pulls up spreadsheet*
Person A: "Why do you need a spreadsheet?"
Person B: "It's going to be quite complex…"
Person A: "Why, are some of them imaginary?"
English student: "Do you know what a chav is?"
American student: "No, but it sounds like some kind of vegetable."
English student: "Yeah, pretty much."
Person A: "So Russia is expelled from G8."
Person B: "So does it mean there is a G7, now? But they can't do that, can they?"
A: "I think we are going to witness a world war very soon, it is going to be exciting." *grins*
B: "What? You're only saying that because you haven't experienced what it's like when the world is at war. I mean, even I haven't. But I hear it is bad."
"The problem with being single is that I'm wasting the best years of my breasts."
"I want my man to be like coffee."
"What, black and bitter?"
"No, hot and keeps me awake all night."
Student 1: "Never have I ever slept with someone from Africa."
Student 2: "Wait, where is Nepal?"
Talking about Rihanna:
"I just don't see the attraction. It's just a woman singing about rain defence mechanisms."
"He studies while he's in the SHOWER? That's insane!"
"Yeah, he puts his notes in plastic wallets..."
"It is Malcolm X right, not Malcolm the tenth?"
"She was in... I don't remember, I kind of wanna say Jurassic Park, it was something like that... Oh, right, it was Sex and the City."
"I woke up this morning to discover I slept on my wand."
"Wait... We can have sex, but I can't read your thesis outline?"
Additional reporting from Frankie Goodway.