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    37 Valentine's Day Gifts That Probably Won't Make You Gag In Embarrassment

    If hearts and mush aren't your thing, fear not! There are plenty of practical n' funny gifts that'll satisfy your unromantic tendencies.

    Hey! While we’re doing our best to make sure the products we feature will arrive in time for Valentine’s Day, shipping times can vary depending on where you live, which product you purchase, and more. Be sure to double check the retailers’ websites for shipping information to ensure that your gift will arrive in time for the 14th!

    1. A pair of diamond-shaped whiskey glasses, because you know the way to your person's heart, and it's drinking quality spirits — and because real diamonds are not only ~so predictable~, but also like, super out of the budget.

    2. A gothic skull ring for anyone who'd rather wear jewelry with a little ~personality~, rather than dainty, heart-shaped jewelry, any day. And it doubles as a bottle opener, so cheers!

    3. A pair of odor-neutralizing charcoal packs, because nothing says "I love you" like "Hey, your feet are stinky and my nose is suffering greatly as a result — so let's help both of us out."

    4. Or a personalized car freshener with your face smack dab on it, so they can always hear (in their minds) you scolding them for not keeping their car clean!

    5. A stylish pair of SOJOS blue light-blocking glasses to alleviate some of the stress from your partner's eyes after a long day of staring at screens. I dunno about you, but useful gifts > "romantic" gifts in my book.

    6. A glasses-wearing hipster teddy bear that'll never let you forget that they discovered you first. And because there are much ~cooler~ ways of saying "I love you" or whatever.

    7. Audio-sharing Bluetooth Wearhaus Arc+ headphones, so you can both listen to your favorite tunes without having to give up sound quality in one ear or getting your shared earbuds tangled. And most importantly, without having to deal with their gross earwax.

    8. A pair of Tina Belcher "butts" socks to let your special someone know that you're always thinking of their lovely behind. All they gotta do is look down at their feet, and they'll know. 🍑

    9. Or a delightfully squishy corgi butt mousepad that'll support and cuddle their worn-out wrists — and, of course, make them laugh a lot. Just take a peek at the height on those cheeks!!

    10. Ok, last butt gift: an illustrated card that says exactly what you're thinking about 93% of the time. I mean, who can help it? Not you! (Especially when it's right there?!)

    11. A bottle of Mike's Hot Honey Sauce to add a bit of ~spice~ to your relationsh–I mean, dinner.

    12. A larger-than-life wine glass with the capacity to fill a WHOLE BOTTLE of the good stuff, because you never believe your S.O. anyways when they say, "I'm just having one glass, I swear."

    13. A wine aerator and pourer, so you can make that $4 wine from Trader Joe's feel like a luxurious, full-bodied, and well-aged wine dug up from a cellar somewhere in Napa.

    14. A Gudetama T-shirt if you've been feeling totally "meh" about Valentine's Day gifts, but like, you picked yourself up and got a gift anyways! Wow, you're a star!

    15. Or a cheeky T-shirt that'll always remind them that they repulse you the least and that you tolerate them. Which are both huge compliments, by the way.

    16. A cozy n' soft boyfriend pillow, so they have another cuddling option instead of just you...all...the...time!!!

    17. Noise-blocking ear plugs that'll be your way of saying "Sorry, I snore so loudly. Hope these bring you lots of sweet, undisturbed dreams." 😅 And they're so comfy to put in, they might as well be lil' clouds.

    18. A bamboo tub caddy, because oftentimes the best gift isn't one you can use together, but the gift of ~alone time~ — and better yet if it accommodates a good book, chill tunes, and a glass of vino.

    19. A wrap-around travel pillow to support your loved one's neck, chin, and weary soul — because traveling is tough on the body, so you might as well make it slightly more pleasant!

    20. And speaking of better sleep for the *both* of you, a two-inch gel-infused memory foam mattress topper that'll provide your tushes (as well as your backs, sides, and joints) some much-needed cush.

    21. A quirky "Faces I Know" poster for an accurate representation of your many moods throughout your relationship, especially your face at 3 a.m. when you've been rudely awakened by their arm unconsciously slapping the wits out of your face.

    22. A "Tainted Love" gift box stuffed with disease microbes that depict romance gone a little bit awry. But then again, love is all about flexing your humor, isn't it?

    23. A legendary Instant Pot to make cooking a hearty, filling meal an absolute snap! And with this handy gadget, anyone who is otherwise too lazy to tend to and wait around for a pot over the stove (your S.O., for example) might just be tempted to make food for you every so often. *swoon*

    24. A squishy stress toy so your person can squeeeeeeze out all of their stress and frustrations, instead of...say...unloading it all out on you. 🙃 You love 'em, but sometimes you gotta set some boundaries.

    25. A pair of "my side" and "your side" pillowcases to set very necessary (and very fair) sleeping boundaries. If you know, you know!

    26. A Glossier Fresh Face Set, so your loved ones are armed with a simple but effective skincare routine that cleanses, exfoliates, and moisturizes, so their skin will look the best it has in years! You'll be staring at them even more than usual. 👀 Flowers die, but skincare is FOREVER — it's basic logic.

    27. A Man Crates jerky heart tin for anyone who'd much rather snack on their gift than watch it wither away in a matter of days and *not* be able to eat it (yeah, talkin' bout you, flower bouquets).

    28. A smirking M&Ms lounge set or t-shirt, 'cause only people with a sense of humor are worthy of receiving a slightly unsettling M&Ms clothing. If that doesn't describe your person, you might want to rethink your relationship.

    29. An Echo Show 5, so they can direct their laziness towards Alexa instead of asking you to turn off the lights, change the room temp, order pizza, etc. In fact, Alexa will teach you how to make your own dinner! And, most importantly, they can personalize the clock face to YOUR FACE.

    30. A compact portable charger with lots of juice to spare, so their phone never dies again when you're trying to reach them, like to remind them about that important errand they promised to help you run...a week ago.

    31. A pair of hunky royal underwear that'll definitely get a bout of laughter out of them — because Henry VIII is everyone's #1 most romantic historical figure, right? Right??

    32. A Foreo Luna 2, so they can clean up their face and get rid of dead skin in a matter of just 60 seconds — because you might be the only person who has to stare at their blackhead-ridden nose up close, but your opinion also matters the most!

    33. A screaming goat figurine (and pocket book!) for a different type of noise...if you catch my drift.

    34. A manual scalp brush for a delightfully soothing and satisfying scalp massage that gets rid of unruly build-up and makes hair appear fuller and voluminous — and what's theirs is also definitely yours...so "borrow" it and get into those roots! 💆

    35. A surprisingly stylish pair of Chelsea rain boots, so you never have to hear them complain about ruining another pair of beloved shoes due to terrible weather.

    36. A pack of retinol microneedling patches to help fight wrinkles and fine lines, 'cause you're all for this "gettin' old together" business, but you don't mind giving your partner a little nudge in the very important skincare department.

    37. A Ballsy "Nuts About You" personal care set, so your dude can keep everything down there fresh, clean, and smelling great. Who knew there was cologne for your private parts?

    Here's to saying "I love you" in your own (less mushy and far superior) way.

    38. Looking for more great Amazon finds? Check out some of our favorite cheap things to buy on Amazon, some of the weirdest things on Amazon you might actually want, or read through all the rest of our incredible Amazon product recommendations.

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