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    I Played "Fortnite" Once And Now I Need These 24 Things

    I left my heart in the Battle Royale arena.

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    I'm a 25-year-old woman who hadn't played video games since the Tony Hawk Pro Skater days of my youth — until recently. I played Fortnite once, and now it's literally all I think about. Here are some items I absolutely need now that this game is my life's singular passion:

    1. A Nintendo Switch, because I can't *only* play The Beautiful Game when I'm at my friend Jim's house in Detroit once every few months. Gotta make an investment if I'm gonna pwn noobs every single day.

    2. Some socks that perfectly demonstrate my love of both a game I barely know how to play as well as my incredible communication skills.

    3. A T-shirt I plan on buying seven of, so I can wear it every day of the week. I have Fortnite Fever and the only cure is more Fortnite.

    4. A battle bus lamp that will bring me sweet dreams of falling through the air to a stormy island where I will fight for my life. *Rachel thanked the bus driver.*

    5. A throw pillow so all those who enter my abode know: this is my gaming sanctuary now.

    6. Fortnite Monopoly that will probably teach me more about the characters than the actual video game tbh.

    7. A book about how to draw Fortnite characters so I can spend my workdays shirking off responsibility in favor of doodling and daydreaming about getting home to my new Switch.

    8. And a Fortnite coloring book for when I remember I am terrible at drawing.

    9. A piñata plush to hug and squeeze until rare loot explodes from within (in my imagination, of course).

    10. A chug jug water bottle so I'm never low on health, no matter how many times a robot hits me with a pickaxe.

    11. Or chug jug bottle labels so I can turn any and all bottles into life-giving resources. I need this green juice, cold brew, and pomegranate juice — they heal me.

    12. A Fortnite bedding set, because it is with deep regret that I tell you I currently sleep in a twin bed, so might as well lean in I guess.

    13. A pop socket so my life's mission and passion is well-represented in every mirror selfie I take.

    14. A pair of socks for taking any normal, grown-up outfit and giving it a quarter-life-crisis twist.

    15. A Cuddle Team Leader Funko Pop! that I'm sure I would recognize if I had played the game more than one life-changing time.

    16. The Big Book of Fortnite — a hardcover textbook that will allow me to study up on the best techniques and strategies for taking the island by ~storm~. You know, like a cool person would.

    17. A sticker set so I can deck out every smooth surface around me with sweet, sweet reminders of my Favorite Thing In The World.

    18. A Fortnite journal for jotting down my progress and recording all of my hopes and dreams. "Dear diary, I hope one day I win Fortnite so I can dab with the vigor of a true winner."

    19. A building set so I can practice my building skills irl before bringing them back to the game. As of now I am...painfully bad. Will report back after some test runs.

    20. A personalized airbrushed flossing sweatshirt, because I literally cannot imagine not involving my new favorite pastime into my fashion choices.

    21. A pair of leggings so I can pretend to play Fortnite in the real world. Don't worry, for me that means standing in a bush pretending it's a good disguise.

    22. A print that I fully expect to be ceremoniously presented with once I finally win, so in...five-ish years.

    23. A dart blaster so I can practice my aim on empty La Croix cans on the other side of my room. Maybe one day I won't panic any time another player gets close to me, accidentally releasing seven balloons instead of taking aim.

    24. And a themed box to keep all of my priceless Fortnite merch safe and sound. The best part of the game is quietly collecting things anyway — this is my extremely exciting, fun, and correct take.

    In conclusion:

    I love Fortnite because I get to be my true self: an idiot who is bad at everything.

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