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25 Things Better Than Ryan Gosling And Eva Mendes Having A Baby

I am so upset right now.


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For those of you that have been apparently living under a rock in some perfect utopian pre-Ryan and Eva are HAVING A BABY world, then I'm sorry to burst your God damn bubble. Reality is a bitch and we have to fucking face it.

LET ME START OFF BY SAYING, I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE...


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The following is a list of things that are way better than them having a baby together...

1. Getting lice from taking a selfie.

2. Dressing and styling your hair like Billy Ray Cyrus for a year.

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3. Dressing and styling your hair like Ryan Seacrest in the mid-2000s for like 3 years.

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4. Becoming addicted to smoking coffee in order to get a caffeine high.

5. Getting stuck in a drain trying to retrieve an iPhone.

6. Getting your head pushed into a Burger King toilet by a strange man.

7. Getting pissed on by a penguin while wearing a wedding dress.

8. Giving birth in a Florida Walmart parking lot.

9. Having Hugh Jackman's long hair forever. Also those pants.

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10. Calling 911 80 times demanding Kool-Aid, hamburgers, and weed.

11. Having your ashes spread at a LensCrafters in a Florida mall.

12. Being Sisqo.

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13. Getting caught stealing a life-size Justin Bieber cutout.

14. Being put into a headlock by a shirtless Fat Joe.

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15. Getting assaulted by butter.

16. Falling asleep outside with cereal.

17. Getting punched by a 346 pound man for forgetting his garlic knots.

18. Being a virgin kissing on national TV for the first time.

19. Non-ironically wearing JC Chasez's jacket.

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20. Getting peed on by a wild raccoon.

21. Experience potato salad rage.

22. Having sex with a hot pocket.

23. Having a Sim for a mom.

24. Being involved in an airborne fish attack.

25. And lastly, having to go back to middle school and perpetually living there.

In conclusion,

Life sucks and the world is such a harsh place.