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A Day In The Life Of A Typical Straight Guy

*Draws a penis on everything*

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In celebration of Heterosexual Pride Day, here's a guide to help you maximize your #StraightPride:

1. First things first, go on your phone and carefully scroll through social media without liking or posting anything. Your phone is probably a black iPhone because let's be real, straight guys don't have white ones.


3. You put on a pair of your holiest boxers you can find. You can't remember the last time you bought underwear but chances are your mom bought them for you. You've thought about transitioning to boxer briefs but that's a big step you're not sure you're ready to take.

You look down and realize you haven't cut your toe nails in who knows how long. Your nail care is questionable in general.

5. For an outfit, you're thinking of some bootcut jeans or cargo pants, an ill-fitting button up, and because you're feeling extra festive: some flip flops.

Bauer-griffin / GC Images

It's important that your clothes don't actually fit you. Clothes that fit are for hipsters!


6. You're hungry, and breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which means you probably have a big ass bowl of cereal...'cause lets be real, you don't cook. Bonus points if you find a way not wash a bowl.


8. You head out to work and "Wrecking Ball" comes on the radio. You listen to it because straight guys love to scream-sing this song.

Other songs that are acceptable for straight guys to listen to:

1. "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson

2. "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift

3. "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen

4. Anything Justin Bieber

9. You get to work and notice one of your buddies, buds, "my mans" (what you call all your friends), is trying to grow a beard. You give him a high-five and rub his shoulders.


Straight guys love talking about growing beards. They also love rubbing each other's shoulders.


12. Burrito bowl? No way! Burrito wrap and all it is. Go big or go home. This is a competition.


Note: If you're brave enough, you'll order a diet soda. But we all know that's super awk and embar for a straight person to do.

13. You'll eat lunch with your vegetarian friend and be very passionate about the fact that they don't eat meat. You'll ask them hypothetical questions about what it would take for them to actually eat meat.


17. At happy hour, you have to argue about why dogs are better than cats, which of your friends can kick or throw balls further, and whether or not fishing is actually a sport.