Happy Heterosexual Pride Day!
In case you haven't heard, today is the day that straight people are celebrating for being straight.
In celebration of Heterosexual Pride Day, here's a guide to help you maximize your #StraightPride:
1. First things first, go on your phone and carefully scroll through social media without liking or posting anything. Your phone is probably a black iPhone because let's be real, straight guys don't have white ones.
2. You take a shower making sure to draw a penis with the fog that's on the mirror. You can't go anywhere without drawing a big ole' dick.
3. You put on a pair of your holiest boxers you can find. You can't remember the last time you bought underwear but chances are your mom bought them for you. You've thought about transitioning to boxer briefs but that's a big step you're not sure you're ready to take.
You look down and realize you haven't cut your toe nails in who knows how long. Your nail care is questionable in general.
4. Time to get dressed! You look over to the corner of the room where you keep a pile of clothes you always mean to put away, but meh. There's something over there.
5. For an outfit, you're thinking of some bootcut jeans or cargo pants, an ill-fitting button up, and because you're feeling extra festive: some flip flops.
Here's some inspo:
And here's a winter look:
6. You're hungry, and breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which means you probably have a big ass bowl of cereal...'cause lets be real, you don't cook. Bonus points if you find a way not wash a bowl.
Now, you're thirsty? What should you drink?
7. Mountain Dew, of course! Bonus points for Code Red.
8. You head out to work and "Wrecking Ball" comes on the radio. You listen to it because straight guys love to scream-sing this song.
Other songs that are acceptable for straight guys to listen to:
1. "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
2. "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift
3. "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen
4. Anything Justin Bieber