Happy Heterosexual Pride Day!
In case you haven't heard, today is the day that straight people are celebrating for being straight.
Cool!
In celebration of Heterosexual Pride Day, here's a guide to help you maximize your #StraightPride:
1. First things first, go on your phone and carefully scroll through social media without liking or posting anything. Your phone is probably a black iPhone because let's be real, straight guys don't have white ones.
2. You take a shower making sure to draw a penis with the fog that's on the mirror. You can't go anywhere without drawing a big ole' dick.
3. You put on a pair of your holiest boxers you can find. You can't remember the last time you bought underwear but chances are your mom bought them for you. You've thought about transitioning to boxer briefs but that's a big step you're not sure you're ready to take.
You look down and realize you haven't cut your toe nails in who knows how long. Your nail care is questionable in general.
4. Time to get dressed! You look over to the corner of the room where you keep a pile of clothes you always mean to put away, but meh. There's something over there.
5. For an outfit, you're thinking of some bootcut jeans or cargo pants, an ill-fitting button up, and because you're feeling extra festive: some flip flops.
Here's some inspo:
And here's a winter look:
6. You're hungry, and breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which means you probably have a big ass bowl of cereal...'cause lets be real, you don't cook. Bonus points if you find a way not wash a bowl.
Now, you're thirsty? What should you drink?
7. Mountain Dew, of course! Bonus points for Code Red.
8. You head out to work and "Wrecking Ball" comes on the radio. You listen to it because straight guys love to scream-sing this song.
Other songs that are acceptable for straight guys to listen to:
1. "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
2. "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift
3. "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen
4. Anything Justin Bieber
9. You get to work and notice one of your buddies, buds, "my mans" (what you call all your friends), is trying to grow a beard. You give him a high-five and rub his shoulders.
10. You check your fantasy baseball and football leagues, listen to DMB, and watch videos of people hurting themselves.
11. Lunch! What do you eat? Anything but a salad. That's not a real food!
12. Burrito bowl? No way! Burrito wrap and all it is. Go big or go home. This is a competition.
13. You'll eat lunch with your vegetarian friend and be very passionate about the fact that they don't eat meat. You'll ask them hypothetical questions about what it would take for them to actually eat meat.
14. You grab a Red Bull and move on with your afternoon.
15. You spend the rest of the day quoting Anchorman, arguing about beer pong rules, and occasionally use the word "bro" passive aggressively.
16. You'll go to happy hour that night and order a beer. You wanted to order wine but that makes you uncomfortable (#NoHomo). Your loyalty to shitty beer is unwavering.
17. At happy hour, you have to argue about why dogs are better than cats, which of your friends can kick or throw balls further, and whether or not fishing is actually a sport.
18. You'll ask your buddies, “Is he, you know?” when talking about a gay guy. You'll ask 20 people if they watch Game Of Thrones and then reminisce about how great Entourage was.
19. The night will end with a trip to the bathroom and one final dick drawing because let's remember, you can't go anywhere without drawing a big ole' dick.
20. You pass out in bed only to repeat your day almost exactly the same tomorrow. Same food and clothes. Change is hard for you.
