We recently asked the members of BuzzFeed Community to share the most inappropriate thing their kids ever did:
1. "Instead of saying 'I'm cold,' my 2-year-old used to constantly scream, 'My nipples are too hard!'"
2. "Thanks for the cake, babe."
"We were getting ready to leave a birthday party and went up to the mother of the birthday child to thank her for inviting us. My 2-year-old son slapped her butt and said, 'Thanks for the cake, babe.' That's how his father thanks me for dinner and apparently he thought it was just how you thank people for food."
—Tracy Mattea Grimes, Facebook
3. "My son was in a stall with me when he screamed, 'Who's farting so loud in this bathroom? Oh my god. I have to get out of here.'"
4. "When I finally shoved through the crowd and found him..."
"My 3-year-old son broke free from me in a crowded shopping mall yelling, 'Ball!' When I finally shoved through the crowds and found him, he had pried a tennis ball off an elderly man's walker and was engaged in an intense tug of war over the remaining one while onlookers gaped. I hastily pried my son away from the walker, apologized profusely, and replaced the tennis balls."
—Minsun Park, Facebook
5. "At Dairy Queen we passed a guy wearing an eyepatch. My daughter loudly declared, 'Daddy look, a pirate!'"
6. "Like father, like son."
"My 6-year-old son was at a hockey game when, after a particularly bad call, he yelled, 'GET OFF YOUR KNEES, REF! YOU'RE BLOWING THE GAME!' Like father, like son. However, my son was unaware of his double entendre!"
—Kelley Beck, Facebook
7. "After my son learned what made boys and girls different, he started introducing himself to random people thusly: 'Hi, I’m John, and I do NOT have a vagina.'”
8. "I'm pretty sure we're never going back."
"We were having dinner at my husband's boss's house when my 4-year-old told the boss's wife that 'Issac' hit him at school. I said, 'Did you make up with Issac?' And he said, 'F*** Issac.' I am pretty sure we're never going back."
—Betsy Merrell-Park, Facebook
9. "My 2-year-old decided to tickle a stranger’s toes in the next bathroom stall."
10. "They were quiet so I went to check on them, and caught her..."
"When my son was 2 and just discovering that his little thing could (ahem) stick up, he decided to show it off to his 4-year-old sister while I was in the other room tending to the newborn. They were quiet so I went to check on them, and caught her using it as a diving board for her tiny Polly Pocket dolls!"
—Jennifer St.Martin, Facebook
11. "When my son was 3 years old he slapped the ass of a Houston Dynamo cheerleader while standing next to the mayor of Houston."
12. "I was terrified someone was going to call the cops on me!"
"I took my 3-year-old niece to the bathroom at a restaurant, and was in the stall trying to help her get onto the toilet. She started screaming, 'DON'T TOUCH MY BODY!!! I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH MY BODY!!!!'"
13. "My kid yelled 'Mazel Tov!' at the end of a Catholic Christmas mass."
14. "...a group of nuns sat down next to us."
"My mom says that when I was little we were waiting for a train when a group of nuns sat down on the bench opposite us. I pointed at them and screamed, 'Mommy! Look at the witches!! Look Mommy!! Witches!!!'"
—Laura Adler, Facebook
15. "My 5-year-old nephew did the Ross 'flip off' from Friends to his swim instructor."
16. "My son yelled out..."
"When my son was 3 he liked to collect acorns in a plastic bag and carry it around with him. We were in a store when a lady noticed the bag of acorns and asked him what it was. He yelled out, 'IT'S MY NUT SACK!!'"
17. "My 3-year-old son told an older lady at the hair salon that he had a big penis."
18. "Hey, mom, guess what I asked my teacher today!"
My 6-year-old son and I had this chat in line at the grocery store:
Son: Mom, today I asked Mrs. Smith (his first grade teacher) if she's ever had Tequila.
Son: She's never had it! I told her it's our favorite and we have it every Friday night!
Me: Did you tell her it's a Mexican restaurant?
Son: No, why? What else would it be?
—Jan Hebert Knox, Facebook
19. "My daughter yanked up my bathing suit top when she was 4 and yelled, 'Peek a boob!' I still have no idea where she learned that."
20. "My son then proceeded to bend over and..."
"We were at my mother-in-law's house for dinner when my 4-year-old son asked his very quiet and reserved grandfather, 'Grampie, what color is your butthole?' He then proceeded to bend over, spread his cheeks, and ask, 'Grampie, what color is mine?!'"
21. "I gave my 2-year-old son a camera on the Fourth of July and all he did was take pictures of women’s boobs."
22. "I wanted to die."
"I was at Target with my 4-year-old when I noticed he had a little schmutz on his nose, so I said, 'Hey, what's this stuff on your nose? Chocolate?' Without missing a beat he said, 'Um, no, it's blood from when you punched me in the face this morning.' This kid has never even gotten a swat on the butt, let alone a punch in the face. I wanted to die."
23. "When my 3-year-old had a scrape near his penis, he asked everyone who passed us if they wanted to see his boo-boo and started pulling down his pants."
24. "...and when she bent over my son..."
"My 3-year-old was at a checkup and he was being such a big boy. He even let the nurse prick his finger and took it like a champ. Next thing I know she dropped her pen, and when she bent over he zoomed in on her butt and started rapping, 'Big booty ho, big big booty ho!' I have no idea where it even came from, but the nurse and I lost it."
25. "My 7-year-old son likes to pee in the front yard when the school bus is stopping to pick up his older brother."
"When my son was 3 I got a call from the day care center. Another child had knocked over a bunch of blocks my son was playing with, and my son turned to him and said, 'Matthew! You are such a douchebag!' I later got called into the office because parents were upset their kids came home asking what a douchebag was. #MotherOfTheYear"