14 First Date Horror Stories That'll Leave You Speechless
You've gotta be kidding me.
1. The anti-feminist.
"I made a joke about how I hoped he didn’t 'murder me.' He took this to mean I was talking about rape and said he 'hoped I wasn’t a feminist' because 'men have it much worse' and went on a literal 15-minute rant about men’s rape statistics in prison. I made it clear that wasn’t what I had meant at all, and wanted to see if we could change the conversation to make it through the meal. He replied that he was 'too fired up and couldn’t talk about anything else.' I left before the appetizer got to the table." —sierraw4e52886cf
2. Flying ~high~.
"I had the bright idea to suggest zip-lining as a first date activity, even though I had zero experience. I should have just given up when I slammed into a tree on the little practice zip line. But apparently I’m a glutton for punishment and I decided to keep going. Halfway through, I had a small panic attack and they had to come and rappel me off the platform. All this time, my date just stared at me, dumbfounded." —onajourny76
3. Keepin' it allllll in the family.
"I was asked out by a cute coworker who was from a neighboring town. He showed up to pick me up and came in to meet my parents. My grandma happened to be there and said, 'Eric, it’s so great to see you, I just had coffee with your mom.'
"'Grandma, how do you know Eric?'
"'His mom and I are cousins.'
"We went four-wheeling and hung out as friends and swore we’d never tell anyone at work that we totally dodged a bullet." —l4390543fb
4. A lesson on body parts.
"I was living in a new city and having met an interesting guy on a dating site, we decided to go to one of the city’s many museums. I was really excited, but on my way there I realized I had gotten my museums mixed up. Instead of the quirky naturalism museum I thought I had chosen, I invited this guy to a national surgery museum. Nothing like trying to make small talk while looking through glass at formaldehyde jars with severed penises in them. Later on, it came to light that we had the same last name and it was all downhill from there." —shannont19
5. Legal advice.
"I agreed to meet with a woman I met via an online dating platform. Once I arrived at the the restaurant, we had an interesting conversation (made up of lots of oversharing on her part) that spiraled horribly out of control once she found out I was a lawyer. She ended up explaining her mom’s current attempt to sue her dad for ownership of their family pet and then asked if I’d be willing to represent her brother, who was out on bail, in his upcoming trial." —dwesr
6. The vegetarian.
"I wanted to impress her by taking her to an expensive steakhouse. After we were seated, she told me that she was a vegetarian. She had a meal of bread and a side order of potatoes." —d483b5e107
7. The great pizza mishap.
"My now-husband was picking me up at work. Thirty minutes prior to when he was supposed to get there, one of my coworkers started a fire in the kitchen by leaving a pizza in the microwave too long. I pulled it out of the microwave, tossed it in the sink, and ended up smelling like burnt grease. My date and I ended up having a good time, although I found out later I stunk to high heaven." —rachelsporyh
8. Ice, ice, baby.
"I liked this guy, so I asked him to go ice skating with me. The only problem was, I didn’t know how to ice skate, so I kept falling. By the end of the night I had bruises all over my face and a black eye." —LBPotter
9. The know-it-all.
"Within the first five minutes of a dinner date, he asked if I ever wanted to have kids. He said I shouldn’t because I would 'pass on my bad genes to them' (I’m diabetic). He then told me that I have diabetes because of how poorly my grandparents ate (it doesn’t work like that). Probably the worst part of the date was halfway through dinner when he told me that he spent time in jail for a felony charge." —abudd10
10. Dodging a bullet.
"I ordered a steak for lunch and he tells me I shouldn't be eating steak, I should get a salad so I don't get fat. Freakin' serious? Then we went across the street to a bar where he totally ignored me and started talking to a guy about baseball. Like, COMPLETELY ignored me. So I grabbed my keys and said, 'I've got to use the bathroom, I'll be right back,' and Irish goodbye'd him. The next day he texted me, 'I had fun. We should go out again sometime.' LIKE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE I WENT TO THE BATHROOM AND NEVER CAME BACK!?!?" —Erica Sloan, Facebook
11. A bloody disaster.
"After our date, we had gone back to his place so I could sober up a bit before heading back to mine. We had literally just shut the front door when we heard a loud thud. We looked at each other and realized that the man we had just seen staggering down the sidewalk moments before had been hit by a car. I ran, without thinking, to the man in the street while my date called 911. By the end of the night my heels were coated in blood, my hair was a mess (it was sleeting), and my pant legs were soaked. I certainly wasn’t prepared for a first date to involve a 911 call and slight vicarious trauma." —kathrynl4824215ce
12. The casting call.
"During our date, he told me that he’d printed photos off of my dating profile to use as a character reference in an upcoming screenplay he was working on. Before I could excuse myself, he asked me loudly about what my kinks were in bed, and eventually offered to cast me in a live theater-style sex show he was directing. Needless to say, I never called him back." —littlefootlo
13. Straight-up poop.
"Poop. He smelled like actual poop. Not to mention we were in a small Thai restaurant and he was speaking really loudly and using foul language. I asked him to quiet down a couple of times, but he didn’t take the hint. I couldn’t help but give the families sitting around us an apologetic glance. And after all of that, he wanted to kiss me and asked me to go out again." —a4ef9daa44
14. Goat birth.
"I was set up on a blind date in high school and I went to the dude’s farm. Suddenly, one of his goats started giving birth, so he ran to the barn and I followed. He proceeded to go arms deep into this goat and turned around to say, 'You want in on this?' No thanks. He then showered while I awkwardly chatted with his parents. We then went to a rodeo he participated in and he grabbed the mic to give me a shout-out and called me his girlfriend. Yikes! He then came in absolute last place and tried to make out with me in the truck his dad was driving. Couldn’t make this up if I tried." —Katydid08
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.