We Drank All The Wetherspoon's Cocktails And Rated Them
"Wanna feel it can't conceal it, sugar high."
Wetherspoon's is a wonderful place. The boozed-up bastion of every British high street.
There's an excellent selection of craft beers, real ales, and artisan spirits, as well as tasty reliable food, and it's possible to buy a round with change from a tenner. What more could you want from a pub?
But what of their cocktail list?
It's been there for yonks, featuring kitsch booze stalwarts such as Sex on the Beach and Woo Woo, plus more mysterious concoctions with names like Purple Rain, but have you considered drinking them since that time you hit Nottingham city centre dressed as an inappropriately sexy schoolkid in 2002?
You can get litre pitchers of Wetherspoon's cocktails for £8.99, less than the price of a single mixed drink in most bars, and there's not a jam jar in sight. But are they good for anything other than getting students tanked up on the cheap?
To find out, three BuzzFeed writers – Laura, 30, who has not sampled Wetherspoon's cocktails since the heady afternoons she spent in Worcester's The Postal Order in 2001, Francis, 28, usually found attending to more serious matters on the world news desk, and Hannah, 25, an American – drank them all.
Here's what happened...
Porn Star Martini – mango, passion fruit, orange, lime, Absolut Vanilla
“It’s good, although I’m not feeling any more erotic drinking this.”
“It’s very fruity, like something you’d drink at a kids party.”
“A naughty kids party.”
“Hang on, yeah, what’s porny about it?”
“Maybe it’s what you’d drink in the garden before the washing-machine delivery person came over and things got saucy.”
“The sugar would give you an energy boost before all the sex.”
“Well, I’m buzzed”.
Rating: 7.5/10. "I've enjoyed it, it's refreshed me, it's invigorated me. But a little bit more would give me diabetes."
Celebrity it's most like: Katy Perry. "It's fun, cute, racy."
The Godfather – Jack Daniel’s, Disaronno amaretto, Pepsi
“This is a lads’ cocktail.”
“LADS! LADS! LADS!”
“Economical lads who know the value of a pitcher over an individual drink.”
“Oh my god.”
“Oh, that was vile.”
“This is not nice. It’s like medicine.”
“If The Godfather were a human it would be a really sleazy man with bad aftershave who chases after very drunk Porn Star Martini.”
“But then he just falls over and doesn’t actually manage to chat her up in the end.”
“So he incessantly texts her instead.”
“With loads of winky-face emojis.”
“He has a skin condition that he needs a special cream for. This drink tastes like that cream.”
Rating: 2/10. "This is a sorry drink."
Celebrity it's most like: Dapper Laughs.
Sex on the Beach – Smirnoff vodka, Archers peach schnapps, cranberry juice, orange juice
"This is the ultimate teenager drink"
"You always felt a little bit naughty asking the barperson for 'sex on the beach'."
"This is pretty nice."
"Yeah, that's quite drinkable."
"It's good. It deserves a more grown-up name than Sex on the Beach."
"Classy Brunch With Friends."
"Grown-Up Communicative Marriage That Still Allows Flirting."
"Colleague That You Have a Crush on But That You Handle Like an Adult Because You Have Excellent Willpower."
"It contains two pure fruit juices – it's probably good for you."
"It's practically a health drink. It's a giver."
"Sex on the Beach would go down on you every time."
Rating: 7/10 "A tolerable combination."
Celebrity it's most like: Nicole Richie. "Sophisticated but totally up for getting trashed and doing bad things."
Strawberry daiquiri – Bacardi white rum, strawberry, lime, lemonade
“A proper daiquiri has actual pulped strawberries, so this is a charlatan.”
“Nooooo, yours is the posh, pretentious one. This is the daiquiri you’d want to have a pint with down the pub.”
“A pint OF.”
“A real daiquiri is one of those people who’s always banging on about ‘real music’ and signed the petition for Kanye not to play at Glastonbury.”
“This daiquiri just wants to have fun!”
“Oohh.” *face screws*
“That has that strange fizz.”
“It tastes like a Calippo that’s been left in the sun and fermented a bit.”
“Or an old pot of hummus that you should never have opened.”
“I quite like it though. It’s like a sweet-shop sweet. One that you just get to pad out a pick 'n' mix but end up really liking.”
Rating: 3/10. “It’s a bit skanky.”
Celebrity it’s most like: Lindsay Lohan in that David Mamet play, Speed the Plow. “It’s supposed to be a classic but it kind of isn’t. People still order it because it has potential.”
Blue Lagoon – Blue Curaçao, Smirnoff vodka, lime cordial, lemonade
“Come on, it’s just a tarted-up vodka lemonade really, isn’t it?”
“It’s Smurf piss. Genuine Smurf piss.”
“It’s what Papa Smurf pisses out after a particularly heavy night.”
“I love that! It looks way worse than it tastes.”
“It’s like really nice lemonade. R. White's or something.”
“There’s a smoothness to it, a good level of fizz.”
“I’m sorry I misjudged you, Blue Lagoon.”
“It’s like the new guy who turns up to your office with a really bad novelty tie and making shit jokes, and at first you’re like, ‘Ah, fuck off.’”
“But then you talk to him and he’s a really nice guy, he’s got a great backstory, and you regret jumping to hasty conclusions about him.”
“You realise you’re the miserable bastard.”
“You’ve been acting like a bitter pint of Guinness your entire life without realising you’d be much happier living like a Blue Lagoon.”
“Actually It’s starting to get a bit too much.”
“The Blue Lagoon is an emotional rollercoaster.”
Rating: 6.5/10. "It was fun when it started but then the drugs wore off and you were faced again with the cold light of day."
Celebrity it's most like: Alan Carr. "He'd definitely crack a jug of this out on Chatty Man."
Woo Woo – Smirnoff vodka, Archers peach schnapps, cranberry juice
"So this is just Sex on the Beach but without the orange juice?"
"It's mainly cranberry, so you could drink this after you get cystitis from having sex on the beach."
"Woo Woo would clear up your woo-woo."
"It tastes so bland after the Blue Lagoon."
"There are no more fun times now. This drink is adulthood."
"This is the boring bastard you end up down the pub with after you turn down a night out with your lairy mate."
"They keep telling you about their failed relationships even though you never asked."
"You start to think their ex-partner was probably right."
"They don't ask any questions about you."
"More boo-hoo than Woo Woo."
"I mean, it's fine – it's nice in small doses or alongside other drinks, but you don't want to stick with it all night."
Rating: 5/10. "This drink defines average. You can neither love it, nor hate it."
Celebrity it's most like: Toby Anstis. "He keeps telling you about that time he went out with Priscilla Presley, and you're interested at first, but then he won't shut up about it."
Purple Rain – Sourz cherry, Blue Curaçao, lemonade
"What in nature makes something that purple?!"
"It's the colour of emoji crystal balls."
"It's Blue Lagoon gone goth."
"This is Blue Lagoon after they've been dumped and discovered Tumblr."
"You could drink it on Halloween. It needs to be decorated with a plastic spider and cobwebs on the glass."
"Oooh, it tastes like cherry-cola bottles."
"I can feel its little sugary pink axes hacking away at my tooth enamel."
"I think Prince would have a cow if he knew his name was being tarred with this sugary brush."
"He definitely wouldn't have it on his extensive backstage rider."
Rating: 4/10. "I like its style, but I don't like its personality."
Celebrity it's most like: Christina Ricci. "Only when she was a kid, as Wednesday Addams."
OFF MENU PRO ORDER: Cheeky Vimto – a shot of ruby port mixed with one bottle of WKD Blue
"Whew, this tastes strong after all of those."
"It looks like a serious grown-up drink, but it's fun and fruity."
"You have to drink this without the straw."
"Keep up the chic facade."
"This drink really gets down to business, but doesn't take itself too seriously."
Rating: 9/10. "You could get utterly wrecked on this while also looking quite sophisticated."
Celebrity it's most like: Joan Rivers. "It's a lairy old classic. RIP, Joan."
The definitive BuzzFeed ranking of Wetherspoon's cocktails:
1) Cheeky Vimto
2) Porn Star Martini
3) Sex on the Beach
4) Blue Lagoon
5) Woo Woo
6) Purple Rain
7) Strawberry Daiquiri
8) The Godfather