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69 Thoughts I Had While Watching Season 5, Episode 3 Of "Game Of Thrones"

"This is all I want to do all day, every day, for the rest of my life." —Every teenage boy after he discovers his penis

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1. OK this is a pretty lengthy "previously on," which makes me think shit's about to go down on all fronts.

2. I'm going to try to watch the intro the full way through this time.

3. It's actually pretty cool.

4. ...But I need a snack.

5. Eh, I'll watch it all the way through next time.

6. So, Arya is just sweeping the inside of this place. Is some "wax on, wax off" lesson happening?

7. I feel like whenever Jaqen H'ghar speaks it's a riddle I need to solve.

8. TBH, I think both Arya and I are little lost on what that riddle is.

9. And now the dude that drank from the well is dead? Damn, don't drink the Kool-Aid I guess.


10. OK but those little carts the royal fam ride around in look TINY.

11. Tommen's face right after they tied the knot said, "I can't wait to get laid."

12. And Cersei's said, "Imma kill that bitch."

13. "It all happened so fast." LOL, Tommen is every dude.

14. "This is all I want to do all day, every day, for the rest of my life." —Every teenage boy after he discovers his penis

15. Margaery is such a sport for doing it with this hairless 13-year-old.

16. Very tactful of Margaery to throw in the mom digs immediately after she deflowers this boy.

17. "Do you think she is intelligent? I can't quite tell." LOL, easy Cersei.

18. Tommen's trying to ship his mom away to Casterly Rock.

19. Margaery just managed to subtweet Cersei for being an alcoholic AND getting old in one conversation. Pretty impressive.


20. Poor Theon/Reek.

21. Also, Reek's lookin' like he reeks.

22. No other character haunts my dreams like Ramsay, damn.

23. Oh god, Ramsay is getting married. That poor girl.

24. Oh HELL NO. Start running, Sansa.

25. Littlefinger brings her to the top of a mountain to look at her future castle/pile of dirt and tell her she's marrying a sociopath. Harsh.

26. Thank god for Brienne.

27. Podrick and Brienne relationship is truly adorable.

28. OMG she just called him Pod. <3

29. "None of the boys noticed how mulish and tall I was." Sounds like me in middle school.

30. But Gwendoline Christie is actually a babe.

31. I miss Renly Baratheon. So does Loras, I bet.


32. Jon Snow's got his own lil' Lord Commander office. Cute.

33. "Winter is coming..." Isn't it always?

34. Who is this little kid/sidekick, though? I don't know if I trust him.

35. Ser Davos is probably just antsy to get Jon Snow on board so he has one more sane person on his team.

36. Oh shit. Arya is getting this shit beat out of her with a stick.

37. I mean... if there were ever a time to use the c-word.

38. Aw, don't throw Needle in the ocean. :( Too many memz.

39. Yes, hide it under a pile of rocks. He'll never notice.

40. I don't think I like the freaky stick girl.

41. Ayra's like, sooo what are we doing here? Giving a dead guy a bath?


42. Ramsay's side thot is NOT happy about this arranged marriage.

43. "Seems like a good job for a ginger." Can we #StopGingerDiscrimination2016 please?

44. This bald dude is NOT happy.

45. "You can stick your order up your bastard ass." OH SHIT.

46. This little lunchroom fight is about to turn into an execution.

47. Damn. Jon Snow laying down the law Ned Stark style. That escalated quick.

48. This old dude with the mutton chops is a sick fuq.

49. "Two is extra, you realize." Way to kill the mood.

50. Cousin Lancel and his Sparrow cult just really ruined the High Septon's day.

51. There comes a point in your life where your ass just shouldn't be on TV anymore.

52. LOL at him trying to play it off like he was helping the poor and destitute prostitutes and not trying to get it in.

53. OMG. Gov. Swan from Pirates of the Caribbean is the High Sparrow.

54. "Send this message to Littlefinger at the Eerie or wherever he's slithering." Accurate.

55. *dead body comes back to life* ... Qyburn: "Shhhh." Casual.


56. Theon is avoiding Sansa as hard as I avoid all my exes.

57. "Inspect her, if you must." Ew, fuck off, Littlefinger.

58. Tyrion is the definition of stir crazy right now.

59. Speaking of Dany, why haven't we seen her yet?

60. Oh shit. Red witches are everywhere.

61. Girl just delivered some serious side-eye that said, "I hear you, bruh."

62. So this is where Ser Jorah has been chilling.

63. "I need to speak to someone with hair." LOL.

64. I don't appreciate that the only Daenerys we're seeing in this episode is the knockoff version.

65. Shit. Ser Jorah you can't just sneak up on a dude when he's peeing like that.

66. God, please don't put Tyrion in another box though.

67. Also no Daario Naharis this episode? Not a fan of that.

68. Where the fuck is Bran, btw?

69. I really should have finished reading the books.