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Updated on Jan 7, 2020. Posted on Dec 30, 2019

I Rewatched The Pilot Of "The Secret Life Of The American Teenager" To See If It Was As Ridiculous As I Remembered, And...Yup

I can't believe there was five seasons of this.

Hi, my name is Kelly and I LOVE teen dramas. Riverdale? Love it. Gossip Girl? Love it!

Nickelodeon / Via reddit.com

Recently, I discovered one of my old favorite shows was on Hulu: The Secret Life of the American Teenager!

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Remember? It's the story of 15-year-old Amy (played by Shailene Woodley), who gets pregnant from a one-night stand at band camp. I was totally obsessed with this show as a teen, so I decided to rewatch the pilot and see how it held up. And...WOW, do I have thoughts:

1. First off, I totally forgot Molly Ringwald plays Amy's mom in this show. Is her job just like, playing moms on teen shows now?

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2. Oh man, Amy's pregnant. I mean, I knew this was the premise of the entire show, but this is still upsetting. Molly Ringwald is not gonna be happy.

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3. Is it just me or does Grace Bowman look exactly like Sharpay Evans??!

ABC, Disney

4. Ben is a lot creepier than I remember. He's supposed to be the Nice Guy of the show, but he basically stalks Grace, then starts obsessing over Amy two seconds later. Joe Goldberg, is that you??

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5. Okay, so now Ben is in love with Amy. But she's kinda stuck on this guy Ricky because he got her pregnant at band camp. This is a VERY intense first day of high school.

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6. Oh, and Grace is dating this guy Jack. But Grace is apparently super committed to abstinence. Jack does not seem enthusiastic about this.

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7. Oh no, I think Jack is gonna cheat on Grace with Adrian (who's dating Ricky, BTW). Does he cheat? I can't remember. God, what a MESS.

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8. Now Amy's at the doctor's and all the moms are weirdly just handing their babies off to her. This seems irresponsible.

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9. Why do all the parents on this show CONSTANTLY talk about sex? I feel like nobody discusses it with their family THIS much. This is weird.

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10. How did Ben get Amy's number when he's never even spoken to her? Again, creepy.

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11. Oh yeah, Jack's definitely hiding something. You can see the guilt in his eyes.

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12. Now Ben and Amy are on an awkward first date in the gym of Grace's church after the football game. I can't take this. Make it stop.

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13. Why does this Alice girl just know a bunch of random statistics about sex? This is very strange.

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14. Why is the school counselor at this party?

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15. So Jack and Adrian DID hook up!! And now he's going on about how he's a sinner, and SHE'S a sinner, and how they need to pray for forgiveness. I wish I was kidding.

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16. So Amy's friends just came up with a "genius plan" to help her and I'm very concerned. Are we forgetting they're all supposed to be 15??!

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17. Oh...oh, now Jack is kissing Adrian. So much for that forgiveness. And UH-OH, Grace's brother just caught them!!

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18. Now the whole school knows, including the counselor. HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, JACK!

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If you'll excuse me, I need to go and process my feelings for 100 years or so.

FOX

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