Conspiracy Theorist Nursery Rhymes

    Bedtime rhymes for baby conspiracists, from A to Z.

    A is for aliens, gray, green, and white

    Denied by the Air Force, kept out of sight

    Landed in Roswell, New Mexico

    That's no weather balloon, that's a UFO!

    B is for Bohemian Grove

    Presidents, CIA, CEOs and Karl Rove

    Meeting up for orgies, ritual and sacrifice

    They the mad scientists… all of us, their mice.

    C is for Cryptids, some big and some small

    The Loch Ness, Bigfoot, Mothman and all

    Roaming the Earth with hardly a care

    Knowing most people won’t see that they’re there.

    D is for Denver Airport, New World Order HQ

    Strange murals on the walls and swastika runways, too

    Not just an airport, say whistleblower tips,

    But also a subterranean network in the event of apocalypse.

    E is for Entertainment, every music video a sign

    That our most favorite pop stars are conspiratorially aligned

    Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus both Reptilian, so was James Dean

    All hail Bey and Jay, Illuminati’s King and Queen.

    F is for Flouride, which gets put in our water

    To weaken our brains for the Communists’ fodder

    Cavities and tooth decay may have declined,

    But drinking this poison has lost us our minds.

    G is for Globe Shapes, Team Hollow and Team Flat

    Both of them say we should question our maps.

    The former says the Earth’s core is nothing but air,

    The latter says our 3rd D just isn’t there.

    H is for HAARP, “investigating the potential for ionospheric enhancement technology”

    So says the University of Alaska, the Air Force, and the Navy

    But the massive facility is controlling our minds and our weather,

    and blew up Columbia out in the ether.

    I is for Illuminati, the All Seeing Eye

    Look for their symbol, the shape with three sides

    With Hollywood, the presidents, their power has no limit

    If you have to ask, you’re definitely not in it.

    J is for JFK, shot dead, but by whom?

    More suspects named than could fit in a room.

    You can see it right there on film in Zapruder,

    There had to be more than one or two shooters.

    K is for Klerksdorp Spheres, fallen from space

    Proof of an intelligent alien race

    Found in South Africa, three billion years old

    Just because they’re pyrite doesn’t mean they’re fools’ gold.

    L is for Le Cercle, a think tank, so they say

    Established by French prime minister Antoine Pinay

    Governmental control is its main advance,

    It’s basically the Illuminati, but in France.

    M is for Montauk Project, with its chair for time travel

    See how the space-time continuum starts to unravel

    But oh how those government scientists blew it,

    Because then a few monsters escaped right through it.

    N is for NASA, who made the country’s greatest scam.

    Anyone with eyes can see the moon landings were a sham!

    The billowing flag, and the spotlight on Armstrong’s suit:

    All just evidence of a Kubrick film shoot.

    O is for Opus Dei, the Catholic sect that hails from Spain,

    Notorious from the onset, but The Da Vinci Code brought real fame

    For its cult-like recruitment, mortification, iffy finances—

    If a member wants to leave, we don’t like his chances.

    P is for Project MKUltra, wherein the CIA was pretty sketch,

    Dosing US citizens in the ‘50s like a dangerous lech.

    Desperate for advances in chemical warfare—

    A few unexpected hallucinations? Eh, all’s fair!

    Q is for Queen Elizabeth, if that even is her name.

    The monarch has a history of not being who she claims:

    Today, a lizard leader bent on world domination;

    And in Tudor times, a dude in drag held the deceased queen’s station.

    R is for Reptilians, easy to spot if you know the signs—

    Just look for weird forehead ridges or a deadness in the eyes.

    The humanoids are on a mission to enslave the human race.

    Hate to break it to Beyoncé lovers, but she came from outer space.

    S is for Skull and Bones, secret society at Yale

    From where several Bushes, Kerry, and other leaders hail

    In cahoots with Illuminati, invented the CIA

    Is the skull of Geronimo kept in their Crypt? They’ll never say.

    T is for Tavistock, which Freud loved a lot,

    But psychological and behavioral research isn’t all that it’s got.

    Manipulation of global consciousness is the secret they’re keeping,

    Mass bombings? Beatles mania? Their chaos is sweeping.

    U is for the Underground Reich; bad news— they’re all around you.

    Just listen to Dave Emory; the Nazis’ influence will astound you.

    Their German-based conglomerates survived the second World War,

    And have their hands in global industry, politics, and more.

    V is for the Vril Society, forever searching for the “Force.”

    With it, they’ll rule the world— which is hollow, of course.

    This subterranean race is legit; wake up and smell the bacon.

    If you thought no one lived in Antarctica, you sadly were mistaken!

    W is for weather modification:

    Climate control, rainfall, even tsunami generation.

    The government’s behind it all; the proof is in the sky.

    Just look up to see the planes, their chemtrails flying by.

    X is for X-Files, our brief shining glory

    Fox Mulder to show us there’s more to each story

    Scully to teach us the importance of reason,

    We don’t have to speak of the final two seasons.

    Y is for Yonaguni, the underwater rock formation

    Which proves beyond all doubt that aliens once roamed the nation.

    Its intricate details couldn’t have been made by people.

    And natural erosion?? Open your eyes, sheeple.

    Z is for the Zeta Reticuli system

    Where aliens come from to kidnap their victims.

    Betty Hill drew a map, if you had any doubt

    They say it's not real but the truth will come out.