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Every March Madness School Ranked By Their Most Embarrassing Alum

A comprehensive guide that will instantly improve your trash-talking.

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I went through all 64 schools that made the real first round of the tournament (sorry, play-in game losers) and found their most embarrassing famous alum. They have been ranked from least embarrassing to most embarrassing.

64. Ole Miss: Eli Manning

Famed Muppet Eli Manning was far more embarrassing before he went and became one of the top quarterbacks in the NFL. His derpy-ness gets him on the list. But his championships keep him at the bottom.

63. Creighton: Anthony Tolliver

Todd Kirkland / AP

Anthony Tolliver isn't really embarrassing. He's an average NBA player. But Creighton has done well to avoid super-humiliating alums. So good on you, Creighton. Sorry, Anthony.

62. Florida Gulf Coast: The Bassist From A Band Called 7 Blue Skies

FGCU only has like seven famous alumni. This is a meta-embarrassment, but other than this album cover, I know nothing about 7 Blue Skies.

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61. Western Kentucky: He Hate Me

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When he finally made it out of the XFL and into the NFL, Rod Smart became less embarrassing and even made it to the Super Bowl with the Panthers. But being the face (back?) of the XFL? Oof.

60. Memphis: Fred Thompson

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Fred Thompson wouldn't be on this list if he never ran for president. He was a senator from Tennessee AND was on Law and Order. That's awesome. But then he ran for president and finished like 745th in the weakest Republican primary field in history.

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55. San Diego State: Mika Tan

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Mika's Wikipedia describes her as a "fetish/pantyhose model." We're a sex-positive site. She's only here because why do you have to go to college for that?

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53. Oregon: Norv Turner

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The maligned former coach of the Chargers finally got fired this year after years of people talking about how terrible a coach he was. His next job? With my beloved, terrible Cleveland Browns. Norv is not moving up in the world.

UNLV: Suge Knight (REMOVED FROM COMPETITION)

He gets credit for helping give the world Dr. Dre, NWA, Snoop Dogg, and Tupac. He loses credit for possibly being involved with the deaths of Tupac and Biggie. Also this photo.

SUGE KNIGHT HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM COMPETITION, DUE TO THERE BEING A WAAAAAY MORE EMBARRASSING UNLV ALUM. JUST WAIT.

51. La Salle: A.J. Daulerio

A.J. Daulerio is probably on cocaine right now and is most famous for buying photos of Brett Favre's penis. Those things aren't all that embarrassing — unless you're an institution of higher learning.

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42. Colorado: Rick Reilly

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The once-legendary columnist has been reduced to being a bad talking head begging for attribution for stories he didn't break.

39. Valparaiso: The Red-Shirt Kid in "Crazy Frog Bros"

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He is currently a student there.

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38. Wisconsin: Bud Selig

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Ten years ago, he would have been much more embarrassing. But then David Stern voided a Lakers–Chris Paul trade, Roger Goodell shrugged his shoulders about player safety while pretending to care, and Gary Bettman did Gary Bettman things. Now Bud Selig is probably the best commissioner in sports. Insane.

37. Pittsburgh: Harry K. Thaw

Sure he's a murderer, but he's an old-timey murderer who murdered Stanford White in a crime of passion. So he comes in here instead of with all the other murderers who are closer to No. 1.

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33. Kansas State: Michael Beasley

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One of the most disappointing NBA busts in a long time. Also he's a weirdo.

32. Pacific: Michael Olowokandi

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Maybe the worst first pick in NBA history. It's entirely possible that you, sitting there in front of your computer, are better at basketball than the Kandi Man.

31. Montana: Michael Ray Richardson

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Was banned for life for violating the NBA's drug policy three times. The ban was lifted in 1988, but then he failed two more cocaine tests in 1991.

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26. Minnesota: Rick Sanchez

He implied that Jews run the media and then lost his CNN job!

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21. North Carolina: Mike Nifong

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Mike Nifong was the prosecuting attorney in the Duke lacrosse case who was accused of hiding evidence, manipulating witnesses, and misleading the court. He was disbarred.

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17. Illinois: Gene Shalit

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(Insert pun here.)

16. New Mexico State: Joe Pisarcik

Pisarcik's heartbreaking fumble is remembered bitterly by Giants fans and warmly by Eagles fans who call the play "The Miracle at the Meadowlands."

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8. UCLA: "Dating Game Killer" Rodney Alcala

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Rodney Alcala was a winning contestant on The Dating Game before becoming a notorious serial killer.

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6. UNLV: Guy Fieri

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Guy Fieri was originally not included in this list. I apologize for this horrific oversight. This may be the selection committee's most egregious blunder ever. Suge Knight has been removed from competition.

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CORRECTION: An earlier version of this item misstated Colorado State's most embarrassing alum. The school's most embarrassing alum is Anwar al-Awlaki. The list has been re-ordered to reflect the change. (3/21/13)