Cinderella
And THAT, my friends, is what would happen to a glass slipper after a night on the town. But let's pretend that you, in fact, prance around all nimbly-bimbly like some kind of light-footed nutcracker ninja. Sure. Then you meet a man - and not just any man - THE man. BMOC. Every girl vying for his attention but he picks you, sure. You fall in lust and vanish into the night without so much as telling him your name. In such a hurry you left your shoe behind. I can say with absolute confidence that no woman would ever do that unless she was in blackout mode. I'm not even a shoe person and I wouldn't do that. The dude you "fell in love" with in a matter of hours after what appeared to be a lot of ballroom dancing and very minimal talking can't find you on any form of social media. You're a ghost. So naturally, captain dingdong's plan is to find the girl whose foot fits into the shoe that did not disappear with the rest of the magic (plot hole). Worst.Plan.Ever. This is the best plan you could come up with? I'm not Sherlock but why wouldn't you just find the girl with, I don't know, the opposite matching shoe??? And for the love of God, Cinderella, emancipate already!! You're 19!! Go get a degree or make friends that aren't mice. You're exhausting.
Snow White
If you think you have roommate problems, stand aside! I don't know a single woman on this earth who would see this living situation and be like YES!!!! Get my name on that lease!! This is a craigslist ad gone wrong. 'Secluded studio available. Wood burning fireplace. Smaller doors. Owner(s) on site. Female preferred.' I can't imagine any teenager willing to live with 7 tiny men…in the woods…parading around as their mother figure with no intent of getting a job. The bathroom situation alone would be a nightmare. I suppose if I was in the witness protection program it could be an option. And if we've learned nothing, let's NOT take edibles from random strangers - it never ends anywhere good. Case in point.
Belle
Stockholm Syndrome. Need I say more? Belle was held captive in a mansion by a giant beast of a young man who locked her father in the basement. He made the huge mistake of telling her the one wing of the house she couldn't go. If he wouldn't have mentioned it at all, she wouldn't have been so curious. Ask any woman that. That's science. So then he threw a big manchild fit which wasn't a good gameplan being that he needed someone to fall in love with him. So she became friends with several housewares items, shared a few meals with him sitting at opposite ends of what looked like a 50 yard long dining table, was forced to wear a dress he bought her and somehow fell in love. In the words of Cher Horowitz, "I don't think so!" Next.
Jasmine
Let's focus on the company she keeps. A tiger and a rug. First of all, you can't just go running around with an unleashed tiger. They are not pets. They will kill you. They don't want to be domesticated. They are hungry and your head fits inside of their mouth. We all saw Tiger King and we all know how that turned out. I'll keep all my limbs thank you very much. The mother of dragons couldn't even tame her dragons, so let's take notes. Wild animals are meant to be wild. The rug or "magic carpet" doesn't even talk, so we got a real motley crew going on with this trio. Yikes.
Rapunzel
Do I really have to explain this? If you ever get locked up in a tower, by your own parents, and feel confident in using your hair as a fire pole, it's too long girlfriend. It's called a trim. Get one. No one should be able to CLIMB up your hair. That's crazy talk. It's weird, not to mention impractical. If your hair goes past your butt - it's too long. Beyond the cheeks - way too freaking long. If your hair could get caught in an escalator - stop it. How do even you brush that? This isn't Downton Abbey, you don't have Anna to do it for you. And forget about straightening it. Stop being selfish…buy some scissors and donate to Locks of Love.
Ariel
I mean…cmon. Her entire look in reality would be a mess. None of this fluffy sex monster wet hair waving in the wind crap. For starters, she's a terrible friend. Sebastian, one of her BFFs, is a crab but then she makes google eyes with Eric and is all too excited to stuff her face with seafood!! The audacity!! And she's a quitter. Ursula took her voice and it was like all other forms of language ceased to exist. How about a PEN & PAPER ding dong??!! Maybe she didn't know how to write, although she did sign her name for Ursula so I'm trying to give the girl credit where it certainly isn't due. The entire basis of Ariel's story is you have to change who you are for a man. Why couldn't Eric become a mermaid? That option certainly was never discussed. What happened to life where it's better under the sea?! She's a turncoat and a nancy.