1. OK from the preview this episode actually looks SUPER dramatic. YAS.
2. Sam is looking out onto a body of water, she's got this Bachelorette thing down.
3. But why are we back to her talking about how difficult this is and how she's not over the break up?
4. Like I feel for the girl, but we definitely covered that ground last night. I want to move past "poor Sam" and be more like YAAAASS SAM GET IT.
5. Guys, we're like five minutes in and David hasn't even brought up the fact he's an international model.
6. I really enjoy them in their casual clothing.
7. Like REALLY enjoy it.
8. Really, really enjoy it.
9. Alex looks like he's ready to sit by a log fire, with a cup of tea, reading Shakespeare.
10. Jared Leto's hair looks so much better in the man bun than it does out. (I forgot his real name whoops.)
11. David wants the other guys to go first so he looks better. Mate.
12. They're all complaining about their first night in the house lol. TELL US MORE.
13. Ohhh a single date is happening YAS.
14. It's DAVE!
15. Richie you did that wrong, you're supposed to do the dumb teasing riddle first and keep us all in suspense.
16. Not complaining tbh.
17. So Dave was the first to meet Sam, the first to get a one on one and now the first date. Maybe I need to revise my top four, he might be a top contender.
18. Or not because it's almost too obvious?
19. He is adorable though. I love him.
20. I get like a Chris Hemsworth vibe from him?
21. But like Home and Away days, not modern day.
22. Nice butt slap from Richie.
23. "I'd describe falling in love like losing your car keys… you stop looking for them, and they're on the kitchen bench." TRUE DAVE! I found love on my kitchen bench too once, it was the best pizza I ever had.
24. YES SAM YOU LOOK SO GOOD.
25. OF COURSE THERE'S A HELICOPTER.
26. The producers are single-handedly keeping helicopter pilots in jobs. (Well, them and Bronwyn Bishop.)
27. I know I always get from one side of Sydney to the other via helicopter. (JK it's via trains that never run on time. *sobs*)
28. I love how Dave is so stoked he literally just thinks the date is the helicopter ride.
29. "Thank you so much for this date!" He's genuinely so happy and they haven't even landed. Bless.
30. Ah, the age-old tradition of pretending the Bachelor/Bachelorette actually organises these dates.
31. YAS DAVE TAKE IT OFF.
32. Approving, awkward snort from Sam.
33. Dave is adorable.
34. Sam is adorable.
35. They're both adorable and they should adorably makeout.
36. I'll check your box for you m8.
37. Meanwhile back at the house… the boys are playing cards.
38. Davey is talking a lot this episode, so he's probs going to go home.
39. Group date, this gon' be good.
40. Of course they call Kieren "Kizza" and Sash "Big Sash." STRAYA.
41. "Quietly shitting myself right now." STRAYA.
42. "Dude I'm spewin'." STRAYA.
43. They're going to need subtitles if they ever show this overseas, it's so damn Australian.
44. I love it.
45. THAT IS A NICE JERSEY DAVE.
46. Almost makes me want to watch more cricket.
47. Almost.
48. LOL at Doug helping Dave on with his helmet.
49. "Just gonna close my eyes and hope for the best." I hope that's not your strategy in ALL areas mate. 😏
50. FOOOOUUUR.
51. Aw that was a very chaste kiss but I'm here for it.
52. Wait she has a rose on the table already for Dave?
53. "I've arranged a lovely romantic picnic…" Yeah, sure you did Sam.
54. This whole date is very cute though.
55. DAVE IS SO HAPPY LOOK AT HIS EYES.
56. "One of the better dates I've been on." Just one of them, Dave?
57. Oh Sam is talking about being heartbroken again. Sam. Girl. There's more to you than this.
58. Dave being like "why isn't the TV on?" He totes wants some Netflix and chill.
59. This 11th box business is quite sweet.
60. "At the end of it. I just hope that you're happy." I'm going to cry.
61. Sam needs to learn some rose-hiding techniques from Woody.
62. "Definitely a spark." DRINK.
63. I ship them. HARD.
64. The boys gossiping gives me life tbh.
65. Dave walks in AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.
66. The bromance is strong.
67. ALEX. BEANIE. YES.
68. Alex should stay in knitwear 24/7 tbh.
69. Group date time!
70. "Hands off my girl, guys." The boys are so much more conspicuously territorial than the girls.
71. "I have never been in this situation before," Sam says, as she kisses six of her boyfriends on the cheek. You don't say.
72. Guys in winter fashion makes me warm inside.
73. Oh god they're going to make them JUMP OFF A CLIFF.
74. I thought this was The Bachelorette not Fear Factor.
75. Jumping off a cliff. It's really going to sort the men from the boys. Because only MEN jump off cliffs. Ya know?
76. Drew is PACKING it.
77. How does someone actually impress her the most by jumping off a cliff though?
78. Like it's … hard to do it differently to the others, you know.
79. YAS, so many shirtless guys, I love this show.
80. "This date isn't about the jump." Wut tho Sam.
81. This is like a weird psychological mind game.
82. "Jump off the ledge for me guys."
83. "No, no, you don't have to do it though."
84. Sash is first and he looks nervous as hell.
85. "Neck up you parrot" omg Sash.
86. Why is Osher just casually up on the ledge too, he's not like, being sent back to his basement in the mansion?
87. And why are Sam and Osher tied to the rocks while expecting the guys to literally jump off the cliff?
88. DID MICHAEL JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU SAM".
89. WHAT MICHAEL.
90. "This leap of faith is for you." Richie is so cheesy.
91. David and Sam legit have NO chemistry.
92. I'm calling it, he's going home tonight.
93. He's very bad at articulating his feelings.
94. Like his voice doesn't reach new levels, it's all the same monotone.
95. "Both my parents can't swim, they're from Poland." Wut.
96. Real talk, how is this fun for anyone?
97. Especially Jared Leto. Poor guy.
98. THIS IS AWFUL.
99. "I didn't want this." Sam, you're saying you DIDN'T want all your boyfriends to jump off a cliff for you?
100. This is literally a garbage date. Like I don't get the point at all.
101. I love Sam tho. She's the best.
102. GROUP HUG. GROUP MAN HUG.
103. Yaaass Drew got the one on one!
104. All the other guys be like, so all I had to do was NOT jump off the cliff?!
105. Another butt slap from Richie.
106. Drew is very ~deep~.
107. Sam's emotional baggage is next level, like why is she still referencing Blake ugh.
108. DREW IS IN LOVE ALREADY YOU GUYS! Well, "besotted" in his own words.
109. Drew is the guy you go on three dates with and then suggests you move in together.
110. Awks, no early rose for him yet.
111. Richie just wants to talk about what colour Sam's dress will be, he's legit here because he's such a stan for The Bachelor right?
112. Her dress is FIRE though.
113. Davey just said he's had "three" relationships in the last eight years? But I swear to god last night he said seven.
114. At the ripe old age of 25, Davey's been searching for the one for eight solid years apparently. OK Davey.
115. He's endearing though, I'll give him that.
116. Michael drops the professional soccer player thing almost as much as David drops the international model thing.
117. I don't get how someone so pretty can be so boring to listen to.
118. Like he seems sincere, but IS IT ALL AN ACT?
119. I wonder how many of these guys auditioned to be the actual Bachelor.
120. Camera guy in the shot! David is breaking the bro code too fast for them to keep up.
121. David is so intimidated by Michael, it's next level.
122. This is very, very awkward.
123. Sam is so not here for it.
124. I AM.
125. That pointed remark about Michael not being arrogant, DAVID SHE'S POINTED THAT RIGHT IN YOUR MODEL FACE DIRECTION.
126. Oh god, he's just making a right dick of himself.
127. Sam to Michael: "I don't put you in the category of being a professional soccer player" - well I've heard rumors he's actually not, so there could be that.
128. David, I don't think you can make it all better with a hat tbh.
129. Like where did you pull that from?
130. OK the SF thing is kinda sweet. Not gangsta tho.
131. Also like he did it in such an awkward way?
132. I feel like this guy has been so pretty his whole life he just hasn't bothered to develop social skills.
133. Michael is breaking the news that THE BRO CODE HAS BEEN BROKEN.
134. The passion over the bro code is actually next level.
135. "Unless it's a medical emergency, you don't interrupt", I've never seen a group of men so sure of anything in my life.
136. I'm cackling.
137. OK shit is going to go down.
138. David, let Michael go OK, you need to chill.
139. "I feel like most of the guys here are intimidated by his career, his tattoos..." Speak for yourself m8.
140. I AM SO HERE FOR SAM'S SPEECH.
141. SLAY GURL.
142. She's asking him what kind of guy he thinks she's looking for, this will probably end badly.
143. "I think you're looking for a person who could be a good baby daddy." I have been rendered SPEECHLESS.
144. Which is saying something because I have a lot to say about this show.
145. David, you're drunk, go home.
146. Sam's angry resting face is giving me absolute life.
147. SHE'S LEFT THE HAT. IT'S OVER.
148. The other guys are pissssssed.
149. Not as pissed as Sam.
150. David is GONE.
151. Ooph that glare from David when Michael was getting his rose.
152. Look, he's a huge bro, but Davey is growing on me a little, he does seem like a softie deep down.
153. Bless Kayne I'm glad he's staying.
154. Lol bye David.
155. International moll alright.
156. THIS IS SO AWKWARD.
157. The distance between them.
158. Oh god, don't open your mouth David.
159. Ho, don't do it.
160. Oh my god.
161. "I think you made a mountain out of a molehill." Sam is literally like GTFO. LITERALLY.
162. The boys' shocked faces though.
163. GROUP HUG! Get it Sam.
164. I'm almost sad David is going, he's such good value.
165. And he just wants someone to want him. I'm almost sad for HIM.
166. Almost.
167. That episode was so intense. I love it.