1.
My money is on the live wolves.
2.
when the Uber is two mins away at pre drinks
3.
We make out like Fireman Sam is a hero but he is an absolute hack. Only about 25 people live in Pontypandy and they are setting fire to something EVERY SINGLE DAY. EDUCATE THEM SAM. GO BEYOND THE HOSE.
4.
autoglass repair me : autoglass replace
5.
Fair play to the man, he's eaten his fucking coat too
6.
The next Bond has to be black, charismatic, a hit with the ladies and always ready with a one liner. There's only candidate for the job. https://t.co/foIEjCuYtZ
7.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
8.
“I’m Barry from EastEnders.” https://t.co/bIuWvpPAhk
9.
Just went to Tesco and asked if they had any plasters and the woman thought I said pasta and now I’m stood staring at penne because I was too scared to say no
10.
The North/South divide
11.
just seen a little girl confidently walk up to a bath bomb in lush and take a bite out of it, kids are class
12.
Honestly can’t believe Shirley from Eastenders pulled off all these different moods wearing the same damn look
13.
Walk into Lush Lush Employee:
14.
Vern just got this in zante what the actual fuck
15.
To All the Boys I Repeatedly Signed In and Out of MSN to Remind Them I Was Online for
16.
Sad to see the remaining members for daft punk hunted for sport
17.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
18.
Is Jamie Oliver going to.... cook his children
19.
me: what time is swimming local council leisure centre website: >ᴸᵒⁿᵈᵒⁿ >ˢᴱ >ᴸᵉʷᶦˢʰᵃᵐ >ᶠᵘⁿ >ᵀᵘᵉˢᵈᵃʸˢ >ˢᵘᵐᵐᵉʳ >ˢᵃᵘⁿᵃ > ᴾᶦˡᵃᵗᵉˢ >ᴮᶦʳᵗʰᵈᵃʸ >ᴾᵒᵒˡ >ʰᵘᵍᵉ ᴾᴰᶠ >⁷⁻⁹ᵖᵐ
20.
me: let me buy this lovely plant to put in my living room my cat:
21.
it's true, but every American TV show is called "Sticks", is about a genius bipolar detective analyst in the sticks-related forensic crime department lab and who solves crime by analysing sticks, has a budget of $3m per episode, is on its 12th season and half the cast are British https://t.co/UUdJ8EUlpY
22.
on today’s instalment of “my family need to be taken off facebook”, my grandma’s trying to sell my grandad’s old walking frame to the attendees of dappy’s under 18s gig https://t.co/Pg5I0NufVc
23.
Oh, you’re home early...
24.
How is your love life going?
25.
"Ye ever wanty just wrap yersel up in tin foil nice and cosy and then just fucking get right inty the microwave and blow yersel up tae fuck" https://t.co/z4OLPre3wj
26.
Grant Holt has given his children some very strange names