The Ultimate Australia Vs. Scotland Debate 2016

Haggis nachos: Nice or nasty? Neighbours: Great or shit? Join our mass debate.

Exhibit 1: Black pudding (Scotland)

Instagram: @gazmorgan / Via instagram.com

Jemima (Australia): At first, I thought someone had just left their English muffins in the toaster for way too long. I don't know what the hell black pudding is supposed to taste like, but the description I found of it being a sausage of pork fat and pork blood made me want to hurl. Why the fuck would you choose to put those two things in your mouth? And why is it so black?

Hilary (Scotland): Sorry, but black pudding is delicious. Sure it's made with blood, but people eat rare beef oozing with the stuff all the time, and in black pudding you'd never know it was there. It's basically just a gigantic sausage, and everyone needs more sausage in their lives. Amirite, ladies? *waggles eyebrows*

Exhibit 2: Pie floaters (Australia)

commons.wikimedia.org / Creative Commons

Hilary (Scotland): What the shit is this, Australia? It sounds like something you’d leave in the toilet after a heavy night out, and it looks like it as well. Putting a pie in some pea soup is just plain weird tbh. Doesn’t the meat pie go soggy? And why do you think that tomato ketchup and pea soup is a nice combination? Did someone hurt you in the past – is this why you do such terrible things?

Jemima (Australia): Let me first clarify that this is an Adelaide thing, and they do things really differently down there. (Google "cheese slaw" if you don't believe me.) When you think about it though, this isn't all that odd. Mushy peas on pies are definitely a thing; why not go all out and make them into a soup?

Exhibit 3: Insults (Scotland)

Twitter: @JehroneKerr

Jemima (Australia): Just like everyone else on the planet, I'm a huge fan of Scottish Twitter. But honestly, the language you guys use is just perplexing. Slags? Minks? I have learned so many new insults but honestly have no clue what they mean. Can't you guys just stick to "cunt"?

Hilary (Scotland): Stick to "cunt"? Where would the fun be in that? Our insults are part of our rich, beautiful, and varied linguistic heritage, drawn from English, Scots, Gaelic, and even Old Norse. In short, shut yer geggie, ye scabby Aussie roaster. Yer maw's a bin man and yer da's a dinner lady.

Exhibit 4: Surfing (Australia)

Imgur.com

Hilary (Scotland): Everyone knows that your oceans are filled with murderous wildlife, like poisonous stonefish, stingrays, and, of course, great white sharks. So what do you guys do? Paddle out to sea on a bit of flimsy fibreglass and try to ride a towering 40ft wave, which then crashes down on top of you, burying you under a mountain of jellyfish-filled water. Do you all have a death wish?

Jemima (Australia): What's life without a little risk? Sure, there are sharks and creepy-crawlies out there, but the chances of actually getting eaten/stung/bitten/drowned/dumped by a wave are pretty low (probably). Anyway, I guess we're just a lot tougher than you wimps. I mean, your national sport is GOLF.

Exhibit 5: Deep-fried pizza (Scotland)

Instagram: @paddond / Via instagram.com

Jemima (Australia): Guys. C'mon. Who let this become a thing? Pizza is perfect on its own. Why would you want to slather it in grease and deep-fry it? I truly cannot think of anything more offensive. How do you even eat this?

Hilary (Scotland): First of all, it's actually called a pizza crunch. See, doesn't that immediately sound nicer? It's all about the branding. What you have to understand about foods like this is that they're designed to soak up litres of whisky like a big, fatty, carby sponge, and so prevent hangovers. I promise that if you drink enough booze this dish will be very, very appealing.

Exhibit 6: Neighbours (Australia)

Fremantle Media

Hilary (Scotland): Sorry, but Neighbours just isn't very good. It was never good, even when Bouncer the dog was still in it, and he was the best actor. Nothing ever happens, and eventually the cast get so bored they ask to be killed off, fail to get another job, then return implausibly about three years later *cough* Harold *cough*. It's time to pull the plug on this boredom extravaganza once and for all.

Jemima (Australia): First of all, how dare you. Second of all, who do you think you are??? Neighbours is Australian pop culture at its finest. Without it, we wouldn't have Margot Robbie, Natalie Imbruglia, Caitlin Stasey, Liam Hemsworth, Guy Pearce, or Kylie goddamn Minogue. It mightn't be the highest calibre of TV show to grace our screens, and there certainly are plot holes, but you can't deny it's damn entertaining.

Exhibit 7: A munchie box (Scotland)

Instagram: @paulmoncur9

Jemima (Australia): Now, I am a huge fan of drunk food, and I'm definitely partial to dirty fried food when I have a hangover. But this is just a giant spew waiting to happen. I cannot identify what any of these ingredients were pre–deep fryer. Surely this cannot be good for your heart? Or your life in general????

Hilary (Scotland) Nooo, you couldn't be more wrong. A proper munchie box is a beautiful tribute to Scotland's diversity, a buffet of delicious, multicultural treats like spring rolls, pakora, chilli chips, pizza, doner kebab meat, and mysterious sauces that no one ever eats. It's truly magnificent (and delicious).

Exhibit 8: Fairy bread (Australia)

en.wikipedia.org / Creative Commons

Hilary (Scotland): I can't believe you give us shit about eating deep-fried pizza when you invented this travesty. Only the nation that came up with the pie floater would think cheap bread coated with butter and hundreds and thousands was a great party snack. Throw it in the bin, then phone for a munchie box or two.

Jemima (Australia): The backbone of any kid's party, fairy bread is such a national treasure that I'm surprised it isn't on our $5 note. The mix of soft, fresh bread, with the buttery, sweet crunch is like straight-up crack. If you diss fairy bread, you've clearly never tried it.

Exhibit 9: Coneheads (Scotland)

mephisgram

youknowyourescottishwhen.tumblr.com

Jemima (Australia): You guys and your goddamn traffic cones. I do not understand it. Why this has become a thing, and why I even know it has become a thing is well beyond me.

Hilary (Scotland): What?!? Can't you see that this is hilarious? *laughs hysterically* The Duke has a cone *giggles uncontrollably* on his HEAD *doubles over laughing* and don't *wheezes* even get me started *sinks to knees* on the horse *cackles wildly* it's just *clutches stomach, giggling* so funny... *passes out*

Exhibit 10: Big things (Australia)

Wikipedia / Creative Commons

Hilary (Scotland): Soooo, let me get this right: You guys build giant replicas of everyday objects in the middle of fuck-nowhere, then they're just automatically a tourist attraction? Why would anyone travel to see them, especially when Australia is so big? "Hey kids, fancy driving 12 hours across the outback to see a giant orange?" "Yaaaay! Yes please, Mum!" You lot are so strange.

Jemima (Australia): The thing about Australia is that once you leave the city, there's not a lot going on. You can go on a road trip and spend five hours looking at nothing but trees, grass, and the occasional cow. So we need to spice it up a little, give our travellers something to do. Though the best part of these ~big things~ is going to the servo next to it for a road trip sausage roll.

Exhibit 13: Haggis nachos (Scotland)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BITBOMug3_k/

https://www.instagram.com/p/BIubJ--hzst/?tagged=haggisnachos

Jemima (Australia): OK, haggis seems like a really gross concept to me, but I've always just assumed it's one of those cultural things I'll never understand, so I try not to drag you guys too much for it. But we have to draw the line somewhere. WHY oh why would you ruin perfectly delicious nachos by covering them in sheep stomach and whatever the hell else haggis is? NO THANK YOU.

Hilary (Scotland): Haggis is basically just tasty, spicy minced meat with some oatmeal. Usually there's nothing it doesn't go with, although to be fair nachos are a bit of a stretch. This might be another one of those dishes that are designed to be at their most appealing after 12 pints, and I've only had eight so far today.

Exhibit 12: A Bunnings sausage sizzle (Australia)

Twitter: @IvanComedy

Hilary (Scotland): Why on earth do you guys think that the height of deliciousness is a cheap sausage and some burned onions wrapped in plain white bread, served from an overheated tent in a hardware store car park? Also, have you never heard of hot dog buns? This is just too much.

Jemima (Australia): Hot dog buns are for posh wankers. The bread is really just a vessel anyway, the glue that holds the sauce, onions, and snag together in one tasty parcel. As for eating it in a car park, where the hell else would you want one? Picture this: It's a Saturday morning, you're hungover, but you still need to run errands. Enter the Bunnings sausage sizzle tent, and suddenly all your problems are solved.